If you happen to be reading this, you are probably aware that I have not written anything for quite some time. Ultimately, I have lost desire to share with others. None of you really need my advice, thoughts, rants or ramblings. I did it more as a catharsis. Sometimes getting my thoughts out of my head and onto the page relieved how much I had pent up inside. Lately, I have been afraid to let any of that out.
I can tell you that there are things in my life that have precipitated this shut down. I can also tell you that due to my intensely private and untrusting nature, that I will not be discussing any of that. There is some solace in not being close to anyone. There is something about being an outsider, even in your own life, that provides comfort. That sort of detachment offers a little bit of protection. Protection is what I need right now.
Please don't take offense if you think we are close. I simply do not know and am unwilling to share closeness. A lifetime of having people pass through my life and disappear into the mists of time has left me shivering in the cold. It is not with morsel of despair, but more of a longing to live with a different kind of warmth. I am going to have to stoke my own fire if I want to find that.
After years of being the person that people turn to when they need advice, comfort, companionship, conversation or just a good laugh - it has come to an end. We had a good run, didn't we? Is it possible to let others confide in you without becoming attached to their situation. Being empathetic is usually not worth the toils. While there are the wild and euphoric joys of celebration in their triumphs, there is the devastating lows of their defeats. How do I connect with one person without leaving someone else out? That dilemma has finally broken me. It is impossible. Rather than risk hurting one person's feelings to help another, I am bowing out altogether.
Find comfort and warmth in the company of others. Be good to those that consider you close. Have confidence in your own answers. For now, I am shutting down.
Blessings to you all ~ Andrea
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Thursday, August 30, 2012
What the Hell Am I Doing Here?
This post might be to intimate and personal - read at your own risk.
It's about to get real in here. Maybe it's the lack of oxygen from pneumonia, maybe it's the antibiotics talking, maybe it is that I have just held it in long enough, maybe I have reached a point of hurt and frustration. Here I am up at midnight after an hour long of silently crying into my pillow. (Yes, my robot demeanor has really broken down) There was a real rollercoaster of events that happened today and I am just trying to make sense of it all.
I did the dutiful thing today...well yesterday at this point. I went to work. Doesn't sound like a big deal, right? Factor in that after my 9+ hours were done, I went to Urgent Care where my doctor wanted to admit me for my pneumonia. I scared my boss today and at the same time showed my commitment to my job. So it was a blessing in a way. Tomorrow I will not be going to work, I bargained my doctor down to bed rest. While it paid off to go in sick, risking it tomorrow might be unwise. Guess I will stay home most of the day and say that I am resting, but in all likelihood it will be a lot of housework. I have been sick and the house definitely shows it.
Tonight it all kind of crashed on me at once. My doctor was really scared. Seeing the fear on her face shook my stubborn resolve. There was a time in the exam room where I was getting so little oxygen and coughing so violently that my vision went blurry and my ears rang - I almost fainted in the exam room. I was alone and scared, sadly enough, it felt familiar.
I have made no secret about it - I have no family. By that I mean no parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins or grandparents. I had a family once, it isn't like they were all wiped out by a terrible plague and I am the sole survivor. The plague I survived was circumstance. My mom abandoned my brother and I when we were toddlers, left us in the care of my drug addicted criminal father. She survived her attempted suicide and I wound up taking care of her after she returned from California. My dad and my uncle landed themselves a prime spot in the federal penitentiary system after a botched bankrobbery. My paternal grandparents took my 6 year old brother and raised him in Colorado until he came to live with my mom and I at age 11. My maternal grandparents both passed from cancer when I was 9. My brother found himself to be a drug addict too by the age of 12, he spent his adolescent and teen years locked up in rehab and boys' homes. My dad has been pretty absent my entire life. I know that he is sitting in jail in Missouri right now waiting trial on charges that will likely put him away for the rest of his life. My brother is on the lamb from what I have heard through the grapevine. It doesn't even phase me anymore. I rarely think about my family at all.
My mom...yeah, that's the tough one. She lives less than 10 blocks from me. Brain injury and addiction have made her an impossible person to be around. She is spiteful and venomous to frightening extremes. A little over a year ago I reached a breaking point with her that I had came to more than a few times. Backstory and awful truth time - as a child, I was shuffled around to whatever place she could sucker a man into letting her stay for awhile. She had a lot of boyfriends and we moved a lot. For a long time, we were homeless...sleeping in our car if we had one or a tent when the weather was nice. I had a couple of stepdads and one I kind of thought was going to be permanent in my life. When I was 13, I was sent to shelter because my mom was too drugged out to take care of me.
Shelter was bad, most of the other kids were there as a transition to juvenile hall, some of them had the same situation as me. After 6 long months I was placed in foster care (most foster parents don't want to take teenage girls so placement is difficult) The first foster home was a nightmare. They wanted only girls for a reason. We were paychecks and eye candy, if not worse. The fateful day came when credible allegations came and were finally founded. I was hurried out of the home and placed 10 miles north. It was a different world there. To a college town with culture and size, from a Podunk site of 200 people. It wasn't just the location that was different either. My second foster mom was about as far removed from my first placement as possible. Jayne was a confident and well off business woman with a full schedule. She was my saving grace. After two years of being with her, my mom petitioned the court to place me back with her. Two days before my 16th birthday, I went back to a home I didn't want to be in with a woman I wanted nothing to do with.
I had taken care of my mother since I was 4 years old. Far too young. I had the brief two years where I could be a child and I wasn't ready to go back to being caretaker. The drugs didn't quit and the mental/emotional abuse didn't either. It was my private, shameful hell. Well into my 30's I am not ashamed of it anymore. I am wise enough to know that those were her actions and not mine. I am also wise enough to see the damage and hurt that she placed directly upon my children. That is the ending point of my tale with her. Forgiveness isn't the issue, there is no sense in harboring that kind of hurt. The sad part is that I can't forget because my duty as a mother is to protect my children.
That brings me to the next part of this lengthy post...the family I do have. I am a mother, that is a great source of pride for me. Those children are the only blood family I have contact with. It is sad to say that they are the only family I have. My love for them is sufficient enough to fill the void of emptiness where other family once was.
I am questioning things in my life tonight. There are big decisions to be made and I have to be sure that they are the right ones for my children. They are what I have to hold on to. They are who I am responsible for. I did the dutiful thing today for them and for the man in my life, at the detriment to myself.
I am hurt right now, that isn't something I admit to easily. You know who reached out and checked on me tonight directly? (outside of the immediate household in which I reside) the father of my children and my boss. Two people who depend on me being well made the call or text, that's it. Sometimes it really sucks not belonging to a family, not having anyone to talk to or turn to. Most of all...it hurts that no one cares enough to even reach out.
It's about to get real in here. Maybe it's the lack of oxygen from pneumonia, maybe it's the antibiotics talking, maybe it is that I have just held it in long enough, maybe I have reached a point of hurt and frustration. Here I am up at midnight after an hour long of silently crying into my pillow. (Yes, my robot demeanor has really broken down) There was a real rollercoaster of events that happened today and I am just trying to make sense of it all.
I did the dutiful thing today...well yesterday at this point. I went to work. Doesn't sound like a big deal, right? Factor in that after my 9+ hours were done, I went to Urgent Care where my doctor wanted to admit me for my pneumonia. I scared my boss today and at the same time showed my commitment to my job. So it was a blessing in a way. Tomorrow I will not be going to work, I bargained my doctor down to bed rest. While it paid off to go in sick, risking it tomorrow might be unwise. Guess I will stay home most of the day and say that I am resting, but in all likelihood it will be a lot of housework. I have been sick and the house definitely shows it.
Tonight it all kind of crashed on me at once. My doctor was really scared. Seeing the fear on her face shook my stubborn resolve. There was a time in the exam room where I was getting so little oxygen and coughing so violently that my vision went blurry and my ears rang - I almost fainted in the exam room. I was alone and scared, sadly enough, it felt familiar.
I have made no secret about it - I have no family. By that I mean no parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins or grandparents. I had a family once, it isn't like they were all wiped out by a terrible plague and I am the sole survivor. The plague I survived was circumstance. My mom abandoned my brother and I when we were toddlers, left us in the care of my drug addicted criminal father. She survived her attempted suicide and I wound up taking care of her after she returned from California. My dad and my uncle landed themselves a prime spot in the federal penitentiary system after a botched bankrobbery. My paternal grandparents took my 6 year old brother and raised him in Colorado until he came to live with my mom and I at age 11. My maternal grandparents both passed from cancer when I was 9. My brother found himself to be a drug addict too by the age of 12, he spent his adolescent and teen years locked up in rehab and boys' homes. My dad has been pretty absent my entire life. I know that he is sitting in jail in Missouri right now waiting trial on charges that will likely put him away for the rest of his life. My brother is on the lamb from what I have heard through the grapevine. It doesn't even phase me anymore. I rarely think about my family at all.
My mom...yeah, that's the tough one. She lives less than 10 blocks from me. Brain injury and addiction have made her an impossible person to be around. She is spiteful and venomous to frightening extremes. A little over a year ago I reached a breaking point with her that I had came to more than a few times. Backstory and awful truth time - as a child, I was shuffled around to whatever place she could sucker a man into letting her stay for awhile. She had a lot of boyfriends and we moved a lot. For a long time, we were homeless...sleeping in our car if we had one or a tent when the weather was nice. I had a couple of stepdads and one I kind of thought was going to be permanent in my life. When I was 13, I was sent to shelter because my mom was too drugged out to take care of me.
Shelter was bad, most of the other kids were there as a transition to juvenile hall, some of them had the same situation as me. After 6 long months I was placed in foster care (most foster parents don't want to take teenage girls so placement is difficult) The first foster home was a nightmare. They wanted only girls for a reason. We were paychecks and eye candy, if not worse. The fateful day came when credible allegations came and were finally founded. I was hurried out of the home and placed 10 miles north. It was a different world there. To a college town with culture and size, from a Podunk site of 200 people. It wasn't just the location that was different either. My second foster mom was about as far removed from my first placement as possible. Jayne was a confident and well off business woman with a full schedule. She was my saving grace. After two years of being with her, my mom petitioned the court to place me back with her. Two days before my 16th birthday, I went back to a home I didn't want to be in with a woman I wanted nothing to do with.
I had taken care of my mother since I was 4 years old. Far too young. I had the brief two years where I could be a child and I wasn't ready to go back to being caretaker. The drugs didn't quit and the mental/emotional abuse didn't either. It was my private, shameful hell. Well into my 30's I am not ashamed of it anymore. I am wise enough to know that those were her actions and not mine. I am also wise enough to see the damage and hurt that she placed directly upon my children. That is the ending point of my tale with her. Forgiveness isn't the issue, there is no sense in harboring that kind of hurt. The sad part is that I can't forget because my duty as a mother is to protect my children.
That brings me to the next part of this lengthy post...the family I do have. I am a mother, that is a great source of pride for me. Those children are the only blood family I have contact with. It is sad to say that they are the only family I have. My love for them is sufficient enough to fill the void of emptiness where other family once was.
I am questioning things in my life tonight. There are big decisions to be made and I have to be sure that they are the right ones for my children. They are what I have to hold on to. They are who I am responsible for. I did the dutiful thing today for them and for the man in my life, at the detriment to myself.
I am hurt right now, that isn't something I admit to easily. You know who reached out and checked on me tonight directly? (outside of the immediate household in which I reside) the father of my children and my boss. Two people who depend on me being well made the call or text, that's it. Sometimes it really sucks not belonging to a family, not having anyone to talk to or turn to. Most of all...it hurts that no one cares enough to even reach out.
The Boogie Woogie Flu
I don't really have the Boogie Woogie Flu. I did used to go dancing every weekend til the wee hours of the morning, but I have to say that I don't miss it as much as I would have thought I did. That is a part of my life I happily left behind. My life is happy, secure and stable now. Partying doesn't make me feel fulfilled, nor is it my "right" to go get wasted to celebrate something. I am far too mature to act like that anymore. What I am looking for now is stability, security, love and true happiness. For the most part I have it too. :) But I digress to the real topic: Healthcare.
I don't have the rocking pneumonia either, what I do have is Pneumonia. Ugh, let me tell you, this is the pits. For three weeks now I have coughed, wheezed and hacked up things that looked like the slime from "You Can't Do That on Television" (Total admission as to just how old I am) I have been running a steady fever. The past week + I have been having a lot of pain in my left lung and crackling/gurgling noise when I try to breathe(the operative word there is try), especially when laying down. Now I am spitting up pinkish green stuff and I have to admit I am worried. The tiredness has been awful, there are short-lived times where I have a bit of energy for it only to dissipate a short while later. Did I mention that I have not been able to hear out of my left ear for almost 2 weeks now? My appetite is non existent and I constantly feel dehydrated. And the headaches! I have not had headaches like this since I don't know when. As much as I hate to admit it, it's time that I go to the doctor.
I loathe going to the doctor. If you had as many legitimate medical issues as I do, you would understand. My biggest fear is that they will hospitalize me. There is no amount of words in the English language to properly express how much I do not want that! Spending a month and a half in CCU (Critical Care Unit) was enough for me. Nothing makes me feel more out of control of my life than lying in a hospital, staring longingly out the window. I am not ready to let someone else make my decisions for me.
Here is the bind I am in - no insurance. When Whooping Cough started going around and my oldest caught it, I paid for the entire family to get seen and get antibiotics. Out of the 6 of us, I am the only one with no insurance. Co-pays, medications and my full bill were over $250 dollars. I paid it all, out of pocket that very day. I am not looking forward to incurring another such bill though. My insurance from work doesn't kick in until October 1st, so for now going to the doctor is costly. *sigh* I guess I just suck it up and pay it for now. Hopefully that raise I get won't all go to my medical bills.
So now the question I have is how much coverage is too much? When Chad and I get married, there will be two income earners with the availability of insurance to all 6 of us. Do we double cover just the adults? Do we double cover just the children? Do we double cover all of us? Do we double cover none of us? It would definitely be nice to never have another medical bill to worry about. How much of the cost of insurance is going to take away from our paychecks? My insurance is free for just me. I am thinking better safe than sorry. My two girls are extremely accident prone. The joke around the house is that Halle could hurt herself breathing. My youngest daughter has been nicknamed "Crash" because of her tendency to not look where she is going and subsequently end up tripping. Now comes the issue of my future step-daughter - shortly after my insurance kicks in, we will be married. That means she will be eligible to be put on my insurance. her mother reacts so brashly to anything that I try to do in assistance that I worry this will be one more pointless battle. My children may end up being triple insured before all is said and done. Their dad has a new job that will offer some great benefits as well. Hopefully we can all work together to do what's best to protect our children and keep them healthy.I definitely don't want my children suffering the tough choices I have had to make with healthcare.
To health, wealth and happiness ~ Andrea
I don't have the rocking pneumonia either, what I do have is Pneumonia. Ugh, let me tell you, this is the pits. For three weeks now I have coughed, wheezed and hacked up things that looked like the slime from "You Can't Do That on Television" (Total admission as to just how old I am) I have been running a steady fever. The past week + I have been having a lot of pain in my left lung and crackling/gurgling noise when I try to breathe(the operative word there is try), especially when laying down. Now I am spitting up pinkish green stuff and I have to admit I am worried. The tiredness has been awful, there are short-lived times where I have a bit of energy for it only to dissipate a short while later. Did I mention that I have not been able to hear out of my left ear for almost 2 weeks now? My appetite is non existent and I constantly feel dehydrated. And the headaches! I have not had headaches like this since I don't know when. As much as I hate to admit it, it's time that I go to the doctor.
I loathe going to the doctor. If you had as many legitimate medical issues as I do, you would understand. My biggest fear is that they will hospitalize me. There is no amount of words in the English language to properly express how much I do not want that! Spending a month and a half in CCU (Critical Care Unit) was enough for me. Nothing makes me feel more out of control of my life than lying in a hospital, staring longingly out the window. I am not ready to let someone else make my decisions for me.
Here is the bind I am in - no insurance. When Whooping Cough started going around and my oldest caught it, I paid for the entire family to get seen and get antibiotics. Out of the 6 of us, I am the only one with no insurance. Co-pays, medications and my full bill were over $250 dollars. I paid it all, out of pocket that very day. I am not looking forward to incurring another such bill though. My insurance from work doesn't kick in until October 1st, so for now going to the doctor is costly. *sigh* I guess I just suck it up and pay it for now. Hopefully that raise I get won't all go to my medical bills.
So now the question I have is how much coverage is too much? When Chad and I get married, there will be two income earners with the availability of insurance to all 6 of us. Do we double cover just the adults? Do we double cover just the children? Do we double cover all of us? Do we double cover none of us? It would definitely be nice to never have another medical bill to worry about. How much of the cost of insurance is going to take away from our paychecks? My insurance is free for just me. I am thinking better safe than sorry. My two girls are extremely accident prone. The joke around the house is that Halle could hurt herself breathing. My youngest daughter has been nicknamed "Crash" because of her tendency to not look where she is going and subsequently end up tripping. Now comes the issue of my future step-daughter - shortly after my insurance kicks in, we will be married. That means she will be eligible to be put on my insurance. her mother reacts so brashly to anything that I try to do in assistance that I worry this will be one more pointless battle. My children may end up being triple insured before all is said and done. Their dad has a new job that will offer some great benefits as well. Hopefully we can all work together to do what's best to protect our children and keep them healthy.I definitely don't want my children suffering the tough choices I have had to make with healthcare.
To health, wealth and happiness ~ Andrea
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Back in Session
Today marks the fifth day of school in our district. It sure seems to come early now! Yes, back in the old days when we were kids, school started after Labor Day.
This year I have an 8th grader, a 3rd grader, the fiance's 1st grader and my own kindergartner. That is a whole lot of school, scheduling, activities and projects to coordinate! We managed two separate "Meet the Teacher" nights on opposite sides of town in two nights for three kids. The oldest doesn't have Open House until Thursday of this week. Yikes! Is that coming up already?! The first book orders have already been sent home as well as the pleas from the PTA for support. *sigh* This is just the beginning of the year too. They aren't pacing themselves at all.
Last year, my son's special education teacher coaxed us to be example parents or "role model parents". We are very family oriented and have had quite a bit of success with helping Colton learn better ways of communicating. The teachers were very appreciative and thankful to have parents that were so cooperative and open with them. Sadly, that is a rarity. We didn't chose to be "role model parents" last year because it was so late in the school year. This year may be a different story. I miss my time on the PTA. Being involved in the school and helping others feels so very rewarding. With another child in the school, it feels like I should be giving back to the students, the parents and the staff.
Now I just need to figure out how to distribute my time and efforts to each of the three schools. That is a task! I am seriously considering role model parenting for the younger two of mine. I am not certain that my schedule at work will allow me to sit on the PTA. Chad's family has quite generously donated to his daughter's school and I am certain that the support will continue there. My daughter's middle school is the one I am having trouble knowing what I can do to help. Hopefully Open House provides some light to shed on that.
Teachers and schools need our help to operate and function successfully. A school's success = a child's success.
See you on the learning curve ~ Andrea
This year I have an 8th grader, a 3rd grader, the fiance's 1st grader and my own kindergartner. That is a whole lot of school, scheduling, activities and projects to coordinate! We managed two separate "Meet the Teacher" nights on opposite sides of town in two nights for three kids. The oldest doesn't have Open House until Thursday of this week. Yikes! Is that coming up already?! The first book orders have already been sent home as well as the pleas from the PTA for support. *sigh* This is just the beginning of the year too. They aren't pacing themselves at all.
Last year, my son's special education teacher coaxed us to be example parents or "role model parents". We are very family oriented and have had quite a bit of success with helping Colton learn better ways of communicating. The teachers were very appreciative and thankful to have parents that were so cooperative and open with them. Sadly, that is a rarity. We didn't chose to be "role model parents" last year because it was so late in the school year. This year may be a different story. I miss my time on the PTA. Being involved in the school and helping others feels so very rewarding. With another child in the school, it feels like I should be giving back to the students, the parents and the staff.
Now I just need to figure out how to distribute my time and efforts to each of the three schools. That is a task! I am seriously considering role model parenting for the younger two of mine. I am not certain that my schedule at work will allow me to sit on the PTA. Chad's family has quite generously donated to his daughter's school and I am certain that the support will continue there. My daughter's middle school is the one I am having trouble knowing what I can do to help. Hopefully Open House provides some light to shed on that.
Teachers and schools need our help to operate and function successfully. A school's success = a child's success.
See you on the learning curve ~ Andrea
Friday, August 24, 2012
But I Don't Wanna
It is that time again folks...ranty time. (Please keep in mind that doesn't mean that I am angry, just that I have views to express)
You may or may not know that I am a broker. That essentially means that my company is a financially responsible party that coordinates between two other parties. I work for a logistics brokerage firm. It's not a glorious job, but a worthy one. All those things that you consumers need and depend on to make it through your day (and don't be fooled, you all use these goods way more than any of you realize) are dependent upon people like me getting them to the destination point. In order for me to get those loads of product to the destination point, there has to be product to be moved. In other words...production of product is a necessary part of this equation. Seems logical, right? Most people don't think about what they consume, where it comes from or how it is manufactured until there is a demand for it.
Yesterday there was a Homeland Security raid on a manufacturing company that we do business with. It isn't a big facility, but it does a lot of business and has several sites across the U.S. I don't feel like it is my duty to expose any more information than that. The job these people do is dirty, strenuous, hot and the hours are long. If any of you haven't gathered by now what happened, I will give a more clear explanation: Many of the workers there were illegal immigrants. Their stop in production will be affecting hundreds of other workers, costing businesses millions of dollars in profitability and putting jobs on hold.
What is my problem with all this? There are a couple of things that I take issue with here. First of all, I have no problem with people wanting to immigrate to this country. Most of my ancestors immigrated here (obviously I am part native) While no nation is Utopian, for the most part, we have it good here - clean drinking water, ample roadways and through fares, a seemingly endless food supply, plenty of jobs, good schools, etc. Those might seem like simple things to us, but to many people that is ideal. Those people aren't whining about what jobs there are or that they are beneath them. They do them, without complaint, earn their paycheck and usually help their community with it. You can sling stats at me about minorities and the criminal element, but the simple fact is that wherever there is poverty (have nots) there will always be people looking to gain financial and material wealth (haves). There are just as many, if not more, of those illegal immigrants just trying to make a better life for themselves and their families. What I would like to see would be a broader system for "migrant" workers. Allow those businesses to profit if they want to, feed that money back into the economy. Provide jobs in a more legal way to mitigate some of the criminal element to just wanting to earn a paycheck. I am not saying that opening up the proverbial flood gates of immigrants is the answer, but loosening the reigns might be called for.
My second issue: Those jobs I talked about - the ones with long hours, dirty conditions, strenuous work are ones that legal workers are not taking. The unemployment rate here is significantly lower than other states, but we still have almost 90,000 people in this state unemployed. I know of able bodied people that are unemployed and refuse working certain types of jobs because "that is beneath them". That has to be one of the most repulsive statements I have ever heard! Sitting on your ass, doing nothing and collecting a check for it is far worse than anyone working here illegally. What is even more inflammatory is when parents or women say that. Really?! First, you are teaching your child the value of not being productive and leeching off the system. Second, as a parent you have cleaned up and been puked on, wiped asses and cleaned up shit, done laundry and you want to say that there is a job beneath you?! While parenting is the greatest honor, it is also the dirtiest job out there. There are thousands of jobs out there that are waiting to be filed if someone would accept their civil duty to earn a living instead of believing they are entitled to one. Nothing is lower than someone who excepts others to take care of them financially that is perfectly able of taking care of themselves.
If you want illegal immigrants to stop coming in and "taking your jobs" then take them back. Work a job that you might feel you are overqualified for. Work harder. The more jobs we as Americans fill, the less there is for someone else to fill. Have more pride in yourself and for your family than just being willing to accept a handout.
Get to work ~ Andrea
You may or may not know that I am a broker. That essentially means that my company is a financially responsible party that coordinates between two other parties. I work for a logistics brokerage firm. It's not a glorious job, but a worthy one. All those things that you consumers need and depend on to make it through your day (and don't be fooled, you all use these goods way more than any of you realize) are dependent upon people like me getting them to the destination point. In order for me to get those loads of product to the destination point, there has to be product to be moved. In other words...production of product is a necessary part of this equation. Seems logical, right? Most people don't think about what they consume, where it comes from or how it is manufactured until there is a demand for it.
Yesterday there was a Homeland Security raid on a manufacturing company that we do business with. It isn't a big facility, but it does a lot of business and has several sites across the U.S. I don't feel like it is my duty to expose any more information than that. The job these people do is dirty, strenuous, hot and the hours are long. If any of you haven't gathered by now what happened, I will give a more clear explanation: Many of the workers there were illegal immigrants. Their stop in production will be affecting hundreds of other workers, costing businesses millions of dollars in profitability and putting jobs on hold.
What is my problem with all this? There are a couple of things that I take issue with here. First of all, I have no problem with people wanting to immigrate to this country. Most of my ancestors immigrated here (obviously I am part native) While no nation is Utopian, for the most part, we have it good here - clean drinking water, ample roadways and through fares, a seemingly endless food supply, plenty of jobs, good schools, etc. Those might seem like simple things to us, but to many people that is ideal. Those people aren't whining about what jobs there are or that they are beneath them. They do them, without complaint, earn their paycheck and usually help their community with it. You can sling stats at me about minorities and the criminal element, but the simple fact is that wherever there is poverty (have nots) there will always be people looking to gain financial and material wealth (haves). There are just as many, if not more, of those illegal immigrants just trying to make a better life for themselves and their families. What I would like to see would be a broader system for "migrant" workers. Allow those businesses to profit if they want to, feed that money back into the economy. Provide jobs in a more legal way to mitigate some of the criminal element to just wanting to earn a paycheck. I am not saying that opening up the proverbial flood gates of immigrants is the answer, but loosening the reigns might be called for.
My second issue: Those jobs I talked about - the ones with long hours, dirty conditions, strenuous work are ones that legal workers are not taking. The unemployment rate here is significantly lower than other states, but we still have almost 90,000 people in this state unemployed. I know of able bodied people that are unemployed and refuse working certain types of jobs because "that is beneath them". That has to be one of the most repulsive statements I have ever heard! Sitting on your ass, doing nothing and collecting a check for it is far worse than anyone working here illegally. What is even more inflammatory is when parents or women say that. Really?! First, you are teaching your child the value of not being productive and leeching off the system. Second, as a parent you have cleaned up and been puked on, wiped asses and cleaned up shit, done laundry and you want to say that there is a job beneath you?! While parenting is the greatest honor, it is also the dirtiest job out there. There are thousands of jobs out there that are waiting to be filed if someone would accept their civil duty to earn a living instead of believing they are entitled to one. Nothing is lower than someone who excepts others to take care of them financially that is perfectly able of taking care of themselves.
If you want illegal immigrants to stop coming in and "taking your jobs" then take them back. Work a job that you might feel you are overqualified for. Work harder. The more jobs we as Americans fill, the less there is for someone else to fill. Have more pride in yourself and for your family than just being willing to accept a handout.
Get to work ~ Andrea
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Hulking Out
I am a kind of a giant, I don't turn green and unlike Dr. Banner - I am not always angry. In fact, I am rarely angry. Which is why this post is being made. I was recently called an angry person. Want to know how mad it made me? I laughed - audibly and I still am. Being called angry was probably one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard. What makes it so much more laughable was that the person who called me that has never spoken a single solitary word with me, despite being in my presence every week and despite repeated offers to talk.What would qualify someone to think that they could make a determination about my demeanor without ever speaking to me? The answer is self-righteous projection of personal issues that they possess.
Supposedly reading my blog is plenty to decipher what kind of overall personality I have. So let me do some looking through past blogs: Giving up on a lifelong dream - that would make most people angry, never once did I express anger. A passion for gardening and repurposing - ooooohhhh that seems volatile as all get out <end sarcastic tone> How about my admission that I feel unattractive at times? Does that make me angry? No, the emotion you are looking for there is sadness. What about my spiritual quest? Sorry, that isn't angry either. Parenting pieces and philosophies? None of those are angry either. Is it upsetting how people treat their children sometimes? Absolutely. Posts about my disease? No anger at all there, in fact, I am grateful for the opportunity to see things in a different perspective. How about the post where I talk about break up hair? Hmmm...still no anger found there. A lot of my posts are about behaviors and philosophy - any anger there? Those are searching for answers and reasons, exploring thoughts. Angry? Still no. Damn, it seems as though this myth of me being angry is debunked. My posts may be opinionated, direct, honest and lacking the sugar-coating and pandering that some people feel necessary. None of those make me angry though.
The people that truly know me know exactly how calm and even keeled I am. One of my friends refers to me as being her "zen". I rarely cry, panic isn't an option and I am not ruled by my emotions. Logic is my friend. It is difficult to use logic at all if you are emotional and out of control. There is nothing that I find overwhelming or that I simply can't deal with it. That is the secret to being "zen" - treat everything as if it is merely one more challenge to face, a challenge that you will triumph over. I am a firm believer in learning the lessons of life. There is absolutely no reason to be angry. Life is to be learned from, to be embraced, the be celebrated - not to be wasted by being angry. I don't experience the crushing lows, which also means that I don't experience the euphoric highs that come from stepping outside of reality. I am perfectly fine with that. Depression isn't required to be sad, just as euphoria isn't required to be happy. That is bi-polar disorder, not normal emotional process. I am generally a happy person that is thankful for the life I have and that I have triumphed over the adversities of my life.
For someone to project their obvious anger onto my personality is not only sad and pathetic, but just one more sign that this person is not in control of their own life. I left my first marriage because of the anger. Thankfully, my former spouse has grown out of that anger he once had. He is a much better father now, recently graduated with a quality job, the kids love spending time with him, we all work together as a family and I am happy to report that he has a new relationship with a woman who makes him happy. Him being happy and being able to be a good father makes me happy. My own relationship makes me very happy. I am with a man that is helpful, caring, appreciative, funny, intelligent, silly beyond belief, sarcastic, witty charming and all mine. We are expressive about our love, affectionate and share every aspect of our lives. Have I mentioned we are getting married very soon?! What more could a woman ask for?! The absolute highlight of my life is that I have raised 3 wonderful children full of enthusiasm and wonder to all be individuals that are my joy. I know have a fourth child that is my fiancee's "spark" - she radiates energy and liveliness, bringing me as much joy as my very own do. My job is decent. I make enough money to ensure that our family is supported well, with hours and flexibility that accommodate being a mom. My friends are supportive and fun, not just 'good time' friends. We see them often and reciprocate the support and care they give. My gardens are blooming and growing. I am sharing my creativity that is appreciated by many. My house is filled with love and laughter <3
To the misguided that clearly have no perception on how to gauge emotion - I am not angry. I feel sad for you, but in no way do I have anger. Anger is a wasted emotion that becomes an addiction, just like pity. I am hooked on being happy. We aren't entitled to anger if wrong has been done to us. Anger is only imprisoning yourself and inhibiting joy from coming in. If you wish for me to be angry, you may be waiting a lifetime.
Live happy, live free ~ Andrea
Supposedly reading my blog is plenty to decipher what kind of overall personality I have. So let me do some looking through past blogs: Giving up on a lifelong dream - that would make most people angry, never once did I express anger. A passion for gardening and repurposing - ooooohhhh that seems volatile as all get out <end sarcastic tone> How about my admission that I feel unattractive at times? Does that make me angry? No, the emotion you are looking for there is sadness. What about my spiritual quest? Sorry, that isn't angry either. Parenting pieces and philosophies? None of those are angry either. Is it upsetting how people treat their children sometimes? Absolutely. Posts about my disease? No anger at all there, in fact, I am grateful for the opportunity to see things in a different perspective. How about the post where I talk about break up hair? Hmmm...still no anger found there. A lot of my posts are about behaviors and philosophy - any anger there? Those are searching for answers and reasons, exploring thoughts. Angry? Still no. Damn, it seems as though this myth of me being angry is debunked. My posts may be opinionated, direct, honest and lacking the sugar-coating and pandering that some people feel necessary. None of those make me angry though.
The people that truly know me know exactly how calm and even keeled I am. One of my friends refers to me as being her "zen". I rarely cry, panic isn't an option and I am not ruled by my emotions. Logic is my friend. It is difficult to use logic at all if you are emotional and out of control. There is nothing that I find overwhelming or that I simply can't deal with it. That is the secret to being "zen" - treat everything as if it is merely one more challenge to face, a challenge that you will triumph over. I am a firm believer in learning the lessons of life. There is absolutely no reason to be angry. Life is to be learned from, to be embraced, the be celebrated - not to be wasted by being angry. I don't experience the crushing lows, which also means that I don't experience the euphoric highs that come from stepping outside of reality. I am perfectly fine with that. Depression isn't required to be sad, just as euphoria isn't required to be happy. That is bi-polar disorder, not normal emotional process. I am generally a happy person that is thankful for the life I have and that I have triumphed over the adversities of my life.
For someone to project their obvious anger onto my personality is not only sad and pathetic, but just one more sign that this person is not in control of their own life. I left my first marriage because of the anger. Thankfully, my former spouse has grown out of that anger he once had. He is a much better father now, recently graduated with a quality job, the kids love spending time with him, we all work together as a family and I am happy to report that he has a new relationship with a woman who makes him happy. Him being happy and being able to be a good father makes me happy. My own relationship makes me very happy. I am with a man that is helpful, caring, appreciative, funny, intelligent, silly beyond belief, sarcastic, witty charming and all mine. We are expressive about our love, affectionate and share every aspect of our lives. Have I mentioned we are getting married very soon?! What more could a woman ask for?! The absolute highlight of my life is that I have raised 3 wonderful children full of enthusiasm and wonder to all be individuals that are my joy. I know have a fourth child that is my fiancee's "spark" - she radiates energy and liveliness, bringing me as much joy as my very own do. My job is decent. I make enough money to ensure that our family is supported well, with hours and flexibility that accommodate being a mom. My friends are supportive and fun, not just 'good time' friends. We see them often and reciprocate the support and care they give. My gardens are blooming and growing. I am sharing my creativity that is appreciated by many. My house is filled with love and laughter <3
To the misguided that clearly have no perception on how to gauge emotion - I am not angry. I feel sad for you, but in no way do I have anger. Anger is a wasted emotion that becomes an addiction, just like pity. I am hooked on being happy. We aren't entitled to anger if wrong has been done to us. Anger is only imprisoning yourself and inhibiting joy from coming in. If you wish for me to be angry, you may be waiting a lifetime.
Live happy, live free ~ Andrea
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Read It and Weep
So this writey/thinky thing I do here is gaining some popularity. A few of my readers weren't necessarily welcomed here, but honestly I don't care if they read or not. If people who don't like me choose to read what I write, then have a good hard look folks - I am going to keep giving you plenty to see. This has never been and will never be a blog about slamming specific individuals, chastising people pointedly or holding myself above others. Don't like it? Don't read it. Why read or view something only to piss yourself off? That is a logic fail there...not that I take anybody who would do something like that as a person with an overwhelming sense of logic. I write for me and me alone.
Back to the subject at hand (Snoop Lion) This is a post about crying.
A few short weeks ago, my youngest asked me if I ever cried. That question took me back a bit. That is a child who has never seen her mother visibly upset. Mind you, she is five and a half years old. I am emotionally even keeled for the most part. My thoughts are that everything is temporary unless I choose to make it permanent. Or 'this too shall pass'. Ironically enough, she got to see me cry a few short days later. I reached a breaking point emotionally. A friend passed, another friend's mother was diagnosed with cancer, I was personally having trouble with my illness at the time (still am) and our wedding date had just been moved. Only one of those was a happy event. I got caught up in everything that was going on and I wept openly in front of my children. That is not something I am proud of, but I also do not regret it. In that case, it was ok to let my children know that I was sad because someone died. To me, that is an acceptable reason to cry.
Children should see their parents as strong and stable, that is exactly what mine view me as. While I am loving, concerned, helpful, fun, supportive - I fail to show my children when I have a weakness because I do not want them to be afraid, right down to hiding as much of my disease from them as possible. I also do not want to show them that it is ok to be overly emotionally invested in everything (aka a drama queen). We all cry, we all need that release sometimes. That release should not be our children's burden to bear though. Often times that frightens children because crying is a clue that something is wrong.
People cry for a multitude of reasons: sadness, happiness, being hurt, being upset, being overwhelmed or for those that do not have their their emotions in balance it is their gut check response to anything that they do not like. I am all for using the release of crying where it is warranted. What really bothers me is when people use crying for someone to feel sorry for them or to get their way. That is manipulation through pity. It is a disgusting and immature trait. You want pity? Look elsewhere. If you want to pout and throw a temper tantrum, take that elsewhere too. My gut check response when anyone acts like that is to walk away and ignore the bad behavior. Cry to try and get sympathy or pity from me and I am likely to hit you with some truth so extreme that it will make you cry. Crying doesn't get you out of trouble and if it does, that is temporary because most people do not react that way. It makes people angry when they are manipulated. That is an unspoken way of telling them they are a fool and a sucker. Make someone else out to be the fool and you will be the one looking foolish. That is the universal law of returns.
If you need to cry, let it out. If you need to release, let it go. If you need pity and sympathy - get over yourself.
Back to the subject at hand (Snoop Lion) This is a post about crying.
A few short weeks ago, my youngest asked me if I ever cried. That question took me back a bit. That is a child who has never seen her mother visibly upset. Mind you, she is five and a half years old. I am emotionally even keeled for the most part. My thoughts are that everything is temporary unless I choose to make it permanent. Or 'this too shall pass'. Ironically enough, she got to see me cry a few short days later. I reached a breaking point emotionally. A friend passed, another friend's mother was diagnosed with cancer, I was personally having trouble with my illness at the time (still am) and our wedding date had just been moved. Only one of those was a happy event. I got caught up in everything that was going on and I wept openly in front of my children. That is not something I am proud of, but I also do not regret it. In that case, it was ok to let my children know that I was sad because someone died. To me, that is an acceptable reason to cry.
Children should see their parents as strong and stable, that is exactly what mine view me as. While I am loving, concerned, helpful, fun, supportive - I fail to show my children when I have a weakness because I do not want them to be afraid, right down to hiding as much of my disease from them as possible. I also do not want to show them that it is ok to be overly emotionally invested in everything (aka a drama queen). We all cry, we all need that release sometimes. That release should not be our children's burden to bear though. Often times that frightens children because crying is a clue that something is wrong.
People cry for a multitude of reasons: sadness, happiness, being hurt, being upset, being overwhelmed or for those that do not have their their emotions in balance it is their gut check response to anything that they do not like. I am all for using the release of crying where it is warranted. What really bothers me is when people use crying for someone to feel sorry for them or to get their way. That is manipulation through pity. It is a disgusting and immature trait. You want pity? Look elsewhere. If you want to pout and throw a temper tantrum, take that elsewhere too. My gut check response when anyone acts like that is to walk away and ignore the bad behavior. Cry to try and get sympathy or pity from me and I am likely to hit you with some truth so extreme that it will make you cry. Crying doesn't get you out of trouble and if it does, that is temporary because most people do not react that way. It makes people angry when they are manipulated. That is an unspoken way of telling them they are a fool and a sucker. Make someone else out to be the fool and you will be the one looking foolish. That is the universal law of returns.
If you need to cry, let it out. If you need to release, let it go. If you need pity and sympathy - get over yourself.
Friday, August 3, 2012
Playing by the Rules
Not too terribly long ago I posted Life Guarantees, in it were some loose rules about lessons. Lately, I have been thinking a lot about that. This is going to be a bit of tangent correlation about lessons and rules. Bear with me through the meandering of trying to nail these thoughts down to the virtual paper.
The lesson that's going to be addressed today is about playing by the rules. I am what some people, including myself, would call rebellious. Hold your gasps of shock there, 'tis true. Some of that rebellion has faded as wisdom has matured my spirit into a more graceful nature. I was a risk taker, not just the skipping a class or two type. Sure, I jumped off the cliffs in the summer 50 feet into the murky white capped waters of the lake below. I have sky dived, in fact, I have flown in a plane several times - but never have I landed in one. That is the fairly mundane risk taking. I took chances with my life in those ways. It wasn't something I really thought about when I broke the ultimate rule - death. I have chronicled in this blog how I have cheated death- no sense in retelling it. At this point in my life, the most risky thing I am going to do would be working myself to exhaustion in the yard with the knowledge that I will pay for it for a few days. I have become safer with my body, I have some pretty important people counting on me to do so. I still have a way to rebel without breaking any laws or rules...with my ideals. Here is the rule I live by though: my ideals shouldn't impose on anyone else's. That is a self inflicted rule that I think I can live by.
Rules are everywhere: at home, at school, at work and we all have to abide by them or suffer the consequences. What happens when that 'rule' is the law? Break that rule and the consequences could be steep, depending on the offense. Then there are rules that we lay out for others. This is a slippery slope to be approached carefully, but so many approach it carelessly with self righteousness. Any rule that you set out for someone else is applicable to you as well. Whoa...that doesn't seem fair, or does it? You certainly wouldn't want someone flaunting how they were above the rules you had to follow. Look how pissed off we all get when the government does it. Every now and then, those rules that we set out for others become law. If you think for one moment that you are getting something over on someone else or punishing them, rest assured it will come back on you when you don't want to play by the rules you laid out. Trying to manipulate the situation in your favor might be calculating and clever, but if you are seeking to manipulate then you are already in the wrong. That sounds like a pretty shitty statement by me, I admit that, but it is the truth. If you were truly righteous, you would have no need to dictate to others, no need to feel the desire to control. That my readers is called insecurity. If you are secure and respectful rules don't need to be made. If you don't care for this line of thought, them I suggest you quit reading what I write...I will only infuriate you further.
Let go of the reigns if you really want to be a rebel. Unleash yourself from the burdens of trying to make rules and control others. Experience the freedom of not having to live with a clandestine agenda. Once you let go of the desire to control other people, they will reciprocate. After all, who wants to fight a battle when there is no one to fight against? If you can't stand playing by the rules, then stop playing bullshit games.
Live free ~ Andrea
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
New Passion
Repurposing. Upcycling. Reclaiming. Call it what you want. I call it bliss. Sunday's unexpected acquire gave me (us) a renewed zest for creating from the already made. We are always repurposing something into another spot or project. Removed blocks by the driveway have become retaining wall for the terracing on the NE 40. Old timbers have become the base for a loft bed. Cabinets have transformed into a toy box. A chicken coop is now a super awesome compost bin with lots of beautiful mulch/compost rotting away :) The base for the chicken coop is one of our raised garden beds now. That is just the tip of the iceberg of the reclaiming projects.
The new acquisition - pallets. We had a few laying around and have been given about 10 more. I have a personal source that can supply endless amounts of them for nothing more than me removing them from their site. (This job of mine has some perks) It looks like we will have a total of at least 25 pallets by the end of the week. What are we going to do with all those pallets?! First off, they are going to be sanded, painted or stained, torn apart where needed and sorted by size. From there, they will be designated for use. The simplest plan is to make them into row planters for our ever expanding gardens. The first of those should be installed by the end of this weekend, the herb garden is the first on our list. That involves pulling up some pavers and finding another place for them, which we are handy at anyway. Other exciting pallet plans: outside rolling coffee table, chairs, benches, potting stands, a strawberry pyramid, shelving for the garage, dining table (most likely to remain in the garage for our many cookouts and get togethers) my very favorite idea - a painted "living" gate to unusable treacherous stairs, a storage bench and perhaps a painted walkway in the NE40 gardens.
Some of these ideas we had been thinking on a while, some came to us from online inspiration. All of them give us another opportunity to do something we love together and something the kids can help us with. The children will get to paint the gate and put their handprints on it. All of them love planting, especially the Autumns :) They love the excitement and accomplishment of creating. I am quite certain the eldest will dive right into the painting and be begging for pieces of her own to show off. We may or may not make something more out of it other than our personal whimsy. The man of the house, he is a handy sort and will definitely find a way to make them all work. My job - inspiration, vision, labor and encouragement. Who knows...maybe I will have some pictures to share with you all soon.
See you on the Oregon Trail ~
Andrea
The new acquisition - pallets. We had a few laying around and have been given about 10 more. I have a personal source that can supply endless amounts of them for nothing more than me removing them from their site. (This job of mine has some perks) It looks like we will have a total of at least 25 pallets by the end of the week. What are we going to do with all those pallets?! First off, they are going to be sanded, painted or stained, torn apart where needed and sorted by size. From there, they will be designated for use. The simplest plan is to make them into row planters for our ever expanding gardens. The first of those should be installed by the end of this weekend, the herb garden is the first on our list. That involves pulling up some pavers and finding another place for them, which we are handy at anyway. Other exciting pallet plans: outside rolling coffee table, chairs, benches, potting stands, a strawberry pyramid, shelving for the garage, dining table (most likely to remain in the garage for our many cookouts and get togethers) my very favorite idea - a painted "living" gate to unusable treacherous stairs, a storage bench and perhaps a painted walkway in the NE40 gardens.
Some of these ideas we had been thinking on a while, some came to us from online inspiration. All of them give us another opportunity to do something we love together and something the kids can help us with. The children will get to paint the gate and put their handprints on it. All of them love planting, especially the Autumns :) They love the excitement and accomplishment of creating. I am quite certain the eldest will dive right into the painting and be begging for pieces of her own to show off. We may or may not make something more out of it other than our personal whimsy. The man of the house, he is a handy sort and will definitely find a way to make them all work. My job - inspiration, vision, labor and encouragement. Who knows...maybe I will have some pictures to share with you all soon.
See you on the Oregon Trail ~
Andrea
Friday, July 27, 2012
The Death of a Dream
I have had this hair-brained dream for about 15 years that turned into a nightmare last night. Anyone who knows me, knows how much I love to cook and host. I am not professionally trained by any means, but I developed a knack for it. A knack for it is underselling it a lot. I started catering and serving meals to 30+ people when I was 19. It started with potlucks at work and friends coming over for dinners or cookouts. From there it grew into catering full dinners for the office I worked in and doing full-on Christmas trays by order. We do dinners for friends and family every couple of weeks now. For a while there was a plan in place to turn it into a cafe or full time catering business. It made me happy, almost euphoric to think about it. Last night told me that this dream I have had for half my life was nothing more than some silly fantasy that will never and should never come true.
Before people scream at me for giving up on a dream, let me explain. I have a family, a relationship and a full time job already. My family and my relationship are the most important things in my life. My fiance needs me and our 4 children need me. Last night it was trying to find time to cook for 6 hours, get 3 kids cycled through bathing, clip all of their nails and help them brush their hair, keep track of my eldest and her company, drop off and pickup my fiance at an appointment, take a bath myself, go to the grocery store and attempt to keep the kitchen clean and in reasonable order while I did all this. *sigh* All of that was after working a full 9 hours and making an hour commute. Scheduling wise, it all fell into place somehow. The whole family helped with making the 8 dozen cookies last night. The kids really love to help with cooking and we are happy to oblige that. It was the after affects that were the downfall.
At the end of the day (midnight) I had been going for 18 hours. I was exhausted, not just worn out. There was this nervousness about how much of the housework I would be able to get done before we have dinner with our friends tonight. None of them expect the house to be perfect, but I do. It's just part of that desire to be a good hostess and make dinner enjoyable for everyone. The worst of it came after we crawled into bed for the night. I made the man in my life feel neglected and "put on the back burner" because I was so focused on my desire and goal. That was really unfair of me. Because I needed to get so much done last night, we couldn't spend any quality time together. In the end, I felt guilty for even taking the time to take a bath. That is pretty much a staple to everyday life and somehow I felt like I didn't deserve it because I took time to do other things.
I stopped doing things for me a while ago. Even something as simple as taking the 15 minutes to go tanning isn't happening anymore. There is positively no time for me to do things for me. I resigned that right when I had a family and entered into a relationship, trying to rectify that with my spirit has been pretty difficult. I am not an individual anymore and I don't get the luxury of a personal agenda. If I want to stay in a relationship and be the mother of children, it is time to accept that my place and stop wishing or wanting for more. I love them and am not going to do anything to jeopardize their happiness, even if it means giving up on my dreams. My life might just be better than my dreams.
Before people scream at me for giving up on a dream, let me explain. I have a family, a relationship and a full time job already. My family and my relationship are the most important things in my life. My fiance needs me and our 4 children need me. Last night it was trying to find time to cook for 6 hours, get 3 kids cycled through bathing, clip all of their nails and help them brush their hair, keep track of my eldest and her company, drop off and pickup my fiance at an appointment, take a bath myself, go to the grocery store and attempt to keep the kitchen clean and in reasonable order while I did all this. *sigh* All of that was after working a full 9 hours and making an hour commute. Scheduling wise, it all fell into place somehow. The whole family helped with making the 8 dozen cookies last night. The kids really love to help with cooking and we are happy to oblige that. It was the after affects that were the downfall.
At the end of the day (midnight) I had been going for 18 hours. I was exhausted, not just worn out. There was this nervousness about how much of the housework I would be able to get done before we have dinner with our friends tonight. None of them expect the house to be perfect, but I do. It's just part of that desire to be a good hostess and make dinner enjoyable for everyone. The worst of it came after we crawled into bed for the night. I made the man in my life feel neglected and "put on the back burner" because I was so focused on my desire and goal. That was really unfair of me. Because I needed to get so much done last night, we couldn't spend any quality time together. In the end, I felt guilty for even taking the time to take a bath. That is pretty much a staple to everyday life and somehow I felt like I didn't deserve it because I took time to do other things.
I stopped doing things for me a while ago. Even something as simple as taking the 15 minutes to go tanning isn't happening anymore. There is positively no time for me to do things for me. I resigned that right when I had a family and entered into a relationship, trying to rectify that with my spirit has been pretty difficult. I am not an individual anymore and I don't get the luxury of a personal agenda. If I want to stay in a relationship and be the mother of children, it is time to accept that my place and stop wishing or wanting for more. I love them and am not going to do anything to jeopardize their happiness, even if it means giving up on my dreams. My life might just be better than my dreams.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Life Guarantees
I borrowed this image from a sister of mine whom takes this spiritual journey with me. We now live hundreds of miles (almost 1700) away from each other, but I still connect with her and think of her every day. These aren't some steadfast rules that I have affixed myself to, but they are every bit true and have a lot of merit. Timeless advice and wisdom lies within these words.
There has been a lot of death in close circles lately. My fiance's aunt took her life about a month ago. My friend had to deliver her baby at 28 weeks due to eclampsia. She had a seizure and they took her off of life support about a week after delivering her baby. Her best friend then lost her husband trying to save a child that had drifted away from the boat - less than a week apart.That is a lot of death in one month. That is a lot of people hurting, feeling loss. That is a lot of lessons to be learned. These Rules for Being Human really resonated while I was thinking about all this death and loss.
I make a big to do about learning lessons. It happens to be something I try to be very cognizant of. My life, my person, my spirit has changed a lot over the past few years mostly because I took a harder look at myself and started dedicating myself to learning the lessons, not just acknowledging that they are lessons to be learned. We haven't every truly learned anything until we retain the knowledge of the lesson and apply it to similar situations every time. Just one slip up means that lesson has to be learned all over again. That there is a whole new painstaking process and suffering of consequences. I, for one, do not want to spend my life learning the same lesson. Knowledge is power, so the quicker the lesson is learned, the quicker the next one will come.
Everyone has their downfalls, their lessons to learn. The biggest one seems to be the number 6 rule here. Essentially it tells us to appreciate what we have and what surrounds us. It tells us to have gratitude. It is so easy to take the time that we have with people in our life for granted. We aren't given an eternity to right our wrongs or to express our love. We are given seconds, minutes, days, weeks, months, years and decades. While it may seem like a long time when it is stretched out, there is never enough time to show all the people that we love and care about just how deeply that runs. You never truly know how much time anyone has. We must make our here and now the best that it can possibly be. That is our task. I am not saying that we become short-sighted and only think of the now, but rather that we embrace the here and now with a resolve to improve where we can.
The hardest part about all of these deaths are the children left behind. I do my best to show all four children of the house how much they are loved - not just showering them with tangible, monetary gains (although anyone will attest that they want for nothing). We give them our time, our attention, our understanding and support. This is the biggest lesson of these tragedies for me - show your children love, give them worthwhile time. There is more to being a parent than mindlessly sitting in front of the tv or computer. Interact with them, converse and joke with them, teach them. Those are the best rewards that make our here and now a better future. Memories are some of the best lessons learned. Hug your children, kiss their foreheads, assure them a place of security. Show them that you have learned the lesson of appreciation for a child's love for their parent.
Love to you all ~ Andrea
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Gratitude the Attitude
It's more than just an action, it's an attitude.
On my way to work every morning for the past couple of weeks I have noticed the same man in the same place, wearing the same things. He is an elderly black man, quite obviously homeless. He wears black clothes - long sleeved shirt and pants, a black cap with a bandana on underneath it, even on days like today when it is supposed to be 100+ degrees. He sits at the corner by the bus station with bags and a rolling cart with some clothes or something in it. He doesn't panhandle, doesn't bother anybody, there are no signs asking for pity or hand outs. He is just simply sitting there with what little he has watching the traffic go bustling by as we all hurriedly scatter our different directions to jobs or homes or appointments. He doesn't have much, but doesn't seem to want much either. He has this air of contentment to him that struck me a while ago, but more this morning than ever.
This morning started off like most other mornings. The alarm goes off, Chad hits the snooze and climbs back into bed so that we can curl up together just a little longer. Finally, we relinquish the idea of staying in bed all day cuddling to wander zombie-like to shower. Showering done, we get dressed and ready to head out the door. Not very exciting stuff, but it is part of the routine. This morning the routine broke in a heavy way. I got a call just as I was finishing my hair from my boss. He has had his struggles lately (not anything that I am going to post here, not mine to share) His life is changing in almost every realm that it possibly can. He resigned from his job this morning. A part of me was shocked, sad, worried and wanting to support him all at once. He seems to have the need for a more simple life. So as I drove to work and saw that man sitting by the bus station and thought about my overwhelmed boss, I thought of how grateful I was for what I have in my life.
Gratitude is the expression of appreciation. It is an acknowledgement of benefit or thankfulness. So why is it so difficult for people to say those two words? 'Thank you' can be be the hardest words for people to say, but they are also the two best words to hear.
Having gratitude replaces and eliminates so many other troubles and worries. If you are happy or content with what you have and express that, you aren't likely to want for more or lose what you have. There isn't added pressure or stress to attain things that aren't needed. It opens us up to feel love, to share love - which is the greatest gift any of us have. Love for what we have, who we are, the people we know, what surrounds us gives an intimate sense peace with ourselves and our surroundings. That calm that comes from being thankful, from being gracious has a multitude of benefits. People without stress live longer, it lowers blood pressure, reduces anxiety, reduces risk of stroke. How many times have you heard of a doctor telling someone to reduce stress in their lives? There is a reason for that.
Practicing gratitude, saying thank you, appreciating things will make graciousness almost second nature. Once you recognize things that you are grateful for, express it. Take notice of the good things around you and release yourself to the acknowledgement that this life is what we make of it. It is a reminder to yourself to be positive. It keeps you in a frame of mind where things are good. Focusing on the negative is so easy, letting that negativity go can be so very difficult. If you are filling your thoughts with what makes you happy, it makes it less room for what's missing. Telling people thank you not only gives that happiness to them, it gives it to you as well.
Make gratitude your attitude, not just a fleeting action. With gratitude for your eyes gracing my words ~ Andrea
On my way to work every morning for the past couple of weeks I have noticed the same man in the same place, wearing the same things. He is an elderly black man, quite obviously homeless. He wears black clothes - long sleeved shirt and pants, a black cap with a bandana on underneath it, even on days like today when it is supposed to be 100+ degrees. He sits at the corner by the bus station with bags and a rolling cart with some clothes or something in it. He doesn't panhandle, doesn't bother anybody, there are no signs asking for pity or hand outs. He is just simply sitting there with what little he has watching the traffic go bustling by as we all hurriedly scatter our different directions to jobs or homes or appointments. He doesn't have much, but doesn't seem to want much either. He has this air of contentment to him that struck me a while ago, but more this morning than ever.
This morning started off like most other mornings. The alarm goes off, Chad hits the snooze and climbs back into bed so that we can curl up together just a little longer. Finally, we relinquish the idea of staying in bed all day cuddling to wander zombie-like to shower. Showering done, we get dressed and ready to head out the door. Not very exciting stuff, but it is part of the routine. This morning the routine broke in a heavy way. I got a call just as I was finishing my hair from my boss. He has had his struggles lately (not anything that I am going to post here, not mine to share) His life is changing in almost every realm that it possibly can. He resigned from his job this morning. A part of me was shocked, sad, worried and wanting to support him all at once. He seems to have the need for a more simple life. So as I drove to work and saw that man sitting by the bus station and thought about my overwhelmed boss, I thought of how grateful I was for what I have in my life.
Gratitude is the expression of appreciation. It is an acknowledgement of benefit or thankfulness. So why is it so difficult for people to say those two words? 'Thank you' can be be the hardest words for people to say, but they are also the two best words to hear.
Having gratitude replaces and eliminates so many other troubles and worries. If you are happy or content with what you have and express that, you aren't likely to want for more or lose what you have. There isn't added pressure or stress to attain things that aren't needed. It opens us up to feel love, to share love - which is the greatest gift any of us have. Love for what we have, who we are, the people we know, what surrounds us gives an intimate sense peace with ourselves and our surroundings. That calm that comes from being thankful, from being gracious has a multitude of benefits. People without stress live longer, it lowers blood pressure, reduces anxiety, reduces risk of stroke. How many times have you heard of a doctor telling someone to reduce stress in their lives? There is a reason for that.
Practicing gratitude, saying thank you, appreciating things will make graciousness almost second nature. Once you recognize things that you are grateful for, express it. Take notice of the good things around you and release yourself to the acknowledgement that this life is what we make of it. It is a reminder to yourself to be positive. It keeps you in a frame of mind where things are good. Focusing on the negative is so easy, letting that negativity go can be so very difficult. If you are filling your thoughts with what makes you happy, it makes it less room for what's missing. Telling people thank you not only gives that happiness to them, it gives it to you as well.
Make gratitude your attitude, not just a fleeting action. With gratitude for your eyes gracing my words ~ Andrea
Thursday, July 5, 2012
It's Not What You Say, It's Who You Say It To
I came across an article this morning while surfing the interwebz. Thought I would share it with you, as well as my correlating thoughts of course...
During divorce, people are often blinded by their own ego to truly consider their child. They are so focused on the lustful inflicting of damage to their ex that they don't think about the damage that it also does to their child. If the relationship ended, it was because it had problems. Whether both parties want to admit it or not, both were to blame in some way - no divorce is 100% anyone's fault.
If you are telling the child what 'terrible things the other person has done' that makes your personal experience become the child's personal experience. That is narcissism at it's finest, my readers. That does absolutely nothing to benefit the child, only to support your own personal vendetta agenda. Your child the mercenary? Pretty disgusting move. While it may work temporarily in your favor to trash talk the other parent, eventually the child will come to realize that they were put in the middle and treated with complete disrespect. Bottom line here is that as an adult, your wants do not supersede the needs of child feeling stable and secure. A child should be given the opportunity to love both of their parents, not be forced into living a bad experience vicariously through someone else.
After a divorce a child has enough on their proverbial plate to worry about taking on feelings that aren't their own. They have already 'lost' daily interaction with both of their parents. There is confusion about the differences in between the two houses and how to deal with each parent separately. The child has to figure out how they fit into the new dynamic, all the while trying to keep up with their everyday tasks - like school, sports and their . Any adult who goes through divorce knows how difficult it is for them to keep it together and still manage their everyday, so how do they expect that a child could? Why would any adult think it is ok to pile more emotional BS onto a child that doesn't belong to them?! Kids have enough to deal with on their own.
Children should be allowed to love and allowed to receive love from both parents. Taking a side should never be a parent's goal. That is a selfish act of insecurity and ultimately it is a betrayal of the trust and love that your child needs. Children expect to be safe with their parents, they expect love from their parents. Love means not having to choose, love means giving them open arms and welcoming them for who they are - that includes who they love.
Love your child more than hate someone else.
During divorce, people are often blinded by their own ego to truly consider their child. They are so focused on the lustful inflicting of damage to their ex that they don't think about the damage that it also does to their child. If the relationship ended, it was because it had problems. Whether both parties want to admit it or not, both were to blame in some way - no divorce is 100% anyone's fault.
If you are telling the child what 'terrible things the other person has done' that makes your personal experience become the child's personal experience. That is narcissism at it's finest, my readers. That does absolutely nothing to benefit the child, only to support your own personal vendetta agenda. Your child the mercenary? Pretty disgusting move. While it may work temporarily in your favor to trash talk the other parent, eventually the child will come to realize that they were put in the middle and treated with complete disrespect. Bottom line here is that as an adult, your wants do not supersede the needs of child feeling stable and secure. A child should be given the opportunity to love both of their parents, not be forced into living a bad experience vicariously through someone else.
After a divorce a child has enough on their proverbial plate to worry about taking on feelings that aren't their own. They have already 'lost' daily interaction with both of their parents. There is confusion about the differences in between the two houses and how to deal with each parent separately. The child has to figure out how they fit into the new dynamic, all the while trying to keep up with their everyday tasks - like school, sports and their . Any adult who goes through divorce knows how difficult it is for them to keep it together and still manage their everyday, so how do they expect that a child could? Why would any adult think it is ok to pile more emotional BS onto a child that doesn't belong to them?! Kids have enough to deal with on their own.
Children should be allowed to love and allowed to receive love from both parents. Taking a side should never be a parent's goal. That is a selfish act of insecurity and ultimately it is a betrayal of the trust and love that your child needs. Children expect to be safe with their parents, they expect love from their parents. Love means not having to choose, love means giving them open arms and welcoming them for who they are - that includes who they love.
Love your child more than hate someone else.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Undo
The girls both got Leappads for Christmas (probably one of the most used gifts ever bought) there is an app on them for drawing that they fancy quite a bit. The paint option makes this strange and almost inappropriate squirting sound and the 'undo' quips loudly in almost a singing fashion that it is undoing. There are jokes in the household about the undo of the Leappad that has me thinking about permanence.
How wonderful would it be if we could just click a button and erase whatever it was that we did or said? No mistakes, no hurtful actions or words, no regrets, no faults. Sadly and happily at the same time, that is not the way things work. The sadly part is pretty obvious. We don't want to mess up and hurt people, but that is all part of being human. Fallible is something that affects us all, a common trait we share with the entire human race. Think on that for a moment - despite all of our differences: broad culture, languages, heritage, gender, financial status, religion and viewpoints we are all tied by the bind of of having fault and making mistakes. That is a bond, a thread between all of 6 billion plus people in the world. This isn't some claim to the worn out cliche of perfectly imperfect (that makes me want to yak) this is a realization that none of has attained perfection and we have all failed along the way. That alone should give us some higher understanding of others and an allotment of patience for when someone does err.
The things that can't be undone, unseen, unfelt (is that a word?) happen to give us alertness to something that is awry or needs changed in our lives. If it hurts, don't do it. If you didn't do it, don't let someone else do it to you. There is little to nothing that we can do to change the actions of others, but we can certainly learn from that mistake and not make the same one if we see the problem or the issue with that behavior or action. The only course of action is to move forward with the knowledge that things will never be the same, but that they aren't the same for a reason. Grow from it, learn from it, move on. Sounds simple enough, but it is not so easy in practice. Those memories, those 'what ifs' are haunting. The questions that can't be answered are the hardest ones to ask.
Be careful in what you do, what you say and how you act. Nothing can be undone. Some things are far more permanent and the impact more lasting than others. Until this life gets an 'undo' button, we are all fallible and this life is indelible.
How wonderful would it be if we could just click a button and erase whatever it was that we did or said? No mistakes, no hurtful actions or words, no regrets, no faults. Sadly and happily at the same time, that is not the way things work. The sadly part is pretty obvious. We don't want to mess up and hurt people, but that is all part of being human. Fallible is something that affects us all, a common trait we share with the entire human race. Think on that for a moment - despite all of our differences: broad culture, languages, heritage, gender, financial status, religion and viewpoints we are all tied by the bind of of having fault and making mistakes. That is a bond, a thread between all of 6 billion plus people in the world. This isn't some claim to the worn out cliche of perfectly imperfect (that makes me want to yak) this is a realization that none of has attained perfection and we have all failed along the way. That alone should give us some higher understanding of others and an allotment of patience for when someone does err.
The things that can't be undone, unseen, unfelt (is that a word?) happen to give us alertness to something that is awry or needs changed in our lives. If it hurts, don't do it. If you didn't do it, don't let someone else do it to you. There is little to nothing that we can do to change the actions of others, but we can certainly learn from that mistake and not make the same one if we see the problem or the issue with that behavior or action. The only course of action is to move forward with the knowledge that things will never be the same, but that they aren't the same for a reason. Grow from it, learn from it, move on. Sounds simple enough, but it is not so easy in practice. Those memories, those 'what ifs' are haunting. The questions that can't be answered are the hardest ones to ask.
Be careful in what you do, what you say and how you act. Nothing can be undone. Some things are far more permanent and the impact more lasting than others. Until this life gets an 'undo' button, we are all fallible and this life is indelible.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Folsom Prison Relationships
This isn't going to be a post about a pen pal in the slammer or some tribute to the Man in Black - though completely deserving. Ladies and gentlemen (broads and dudes, chicks and guys, females and males - if you're not into the whole brevity thing) I am talking about keeping a relationship on track instead of longing watching the relationship train move down the line from your imprisonment of issues.
Relationships aren't easy and take a lot of work. Anyone that says different is a flat out liar. What does it take to get a relationship 'back on track' once it has been derailed? That all depends on what happened to the relationship, where the relationship is and how the people in the relationship act/react. The third part of the equation is probably going to be the highlighted topic today (I am not ever totally sure where a post will lead me).
Let's look at some simple ways to keep it on track first:
1) Don't take the person you are with for granted - I have to say this is probably where most relationships go wrong. There was something about that person that you drew you to them, sparked your interest and made you want more than just a friendship with them. That does not mean that once you have them that they are to be treated poorly or dismissively. Best of all the choices - show him/her and tell that person why you are with them and that you want them in your life.
2) Appreciate the person you are with - It kind of goes with the first one, but isn't quite the same. Sometimes two little words can mean more than three little words. Do you tell your partner thank you and genuinely mean it? Try it, it works. Not just for the big things either, try it out on unexpected times and for something little. In our house...it's the pepper on the potatoes.
3) Speak up - if something is bothering you, say it. It is so much easier to deal with something when it happens, rather than let it fester under the surface. Be careful and respectful about how you approach it and the other person might be more inclined to listen. Happiness counts :)
4) Live without secrets - this one is hard for some people. Secrets, lies and hiding are products of shame. If you weren't ashamed of it and didn't feel guilty about it, there would be no need to hide it. Shame and guilt are there to tell us that something isn't right and we shouldn't be doing it.
5) Respect yourself - equally as hard as the fourth one. If you respect yourself and don't tolerate any less than you would give, you are much more likely to find someone who is able to give you what it is you need out of a relationship.
What happens when things start to go wrong? The two prime culprits here are hurt and blame. One party is hurt by something the other person did. Person A is hurt and gives Person B a lot of blame. Anyone who has ever laid eyes on this page knows what a huge proponent I am of personal responsibility, so in my eyes, owning up to whatever your part in the issue is, makes it that much easier to repair the damage. Not one single instance can be put solely on one person's shoulders. There is plenty of blame to pass around. Far too often, the person that is hurt is not willing to accept any of that. I know that this isn't a very popular standpoint, but I don't give two shits about popularity. I do care about truth and realism. The reality is that no relationship ever makes it or fails based upon one person alone. It takes two to make a relationship and it takes two to let it fall apart.
Blame is a nasty, nasty thing. It can be just as hurtful as whatever actions caused the blame, especially if the blame is repeated and manifests its way into an assault of verbal jabs. So you were hurt, that really sucks. Makes you want to hurt that other person back, huh? They should feel a little of the sting, right? You would expect me to say wrong, but I am surprisingly not going to. They should feel the hurt that you feel, that will make it clear to them that whatever they did or did not do was totally unacceptable. That doesn't give you the right to punish them long-term either. Say what you need to say, get the hurt conveyed. If you want to move past that point, you have to recommit yourself to a positive interaction. The hurt and doubt isn't going to go away, trust is going to be hard - the decision is going to have to be made whether the relationship is worth the work.
Blame and hurt are the beginnings. The two that follow those are very hard to attain and some people never truly get past blame and hurt to get the tools that are needed to move past that point. The two most important tools to getting through a rough spot in a relationship: Patience and understanding. If you want a trusting, loving and open relationship after there has been hurt - then you have to be willing to put the time and effort in to making it right. Whoever did the hurting (most likely both parties) have to quit blaming and give some understanding and patience for the other person to heal from that. Nothing is magically better and there is no 'just add water' instant fix. Healing takes time, if someone is rushed into acting like everything is fine then it is likely that it is not only insincere, but that they are feeling resentful of the lack of consideration for the healing process. Then it all swirls right back into that horrible cycle of hurt and blame all over again.
Ask yourself what it is you want and consider all the good and bad. If you are ready to get out of the relationship, then don't stay to drag it out and dish out more hurt. If you want to stay in it, then stop the blaming and hurt, give some patience and understanding. Time won't heal all wounds, but it may provide you with some insight and gratefulness as to why you did want to stay. You don't have to forget to forgive, but you do owe it to yourself to not stay in the past forever. That only keeps you in prison. Give yourself and the person you are in a relationship with the freedom of love and caring instead of the shackles of spite and blame.
Relationships aren't easy and take a lot of work. Anyone that says different is a flat out liar. What does it take to get a relationship 'back on track' once it has been derailed? That all depends on what happened to the relationship, where the relationship is and how the people in the relationship act/react. The third part of the equation is probably going to be the highlighted topic today (I am not ever totally sure where a post will lead me).
Let's look at some simple ways to keep it on track first:
1) Don't take the person you are with for granted - I have to say this is probably where most relationships go wrong. There was something about that person that you drew you to them, sparked your interest and made you want more than just a friendship with them. That does not mean that once you have them that they are to be treated poorly or dismissively. Best of all the choices - show him/her and tell that person why you are with them and that you want them in your life.
2) Appreciate the person you are with - It kind of goes with the first one, but isn't quite the same. Sometimes two little words can mean more than three little words. Do you tell your partner thank you and genuinely mean it? Try it, it works. Not just for the big things either, try it out on unexpected times and for something little. In our house...it's the pepper on the potatoes.
3) Speak up - if something is bothering you, say it. It is so much easier to deal with something when it happens, rather than let it fester under the surface. Be careful and respectful about how you approach it and the other person might be more inclined to listen. Happiness counts :)
4) Live without secrets - this one is hard for some people. Secrets, lies and hiding are products of shame. If you weren't ashamed of it and didn't feel guilty about it, there would be no need to hide it. Shame and guilt are there to tell us that something isn't right and we shouldn't be doing it.
5) Respect yourself - equally as hard as the fourth one. If you respect yourself and don't tolerate any less than you would give, you are much more likely to find someone who is able to give you what it is you need out of a relationship.
What happens when things start to go wrong? The two prime culprits here are hurt and blame. One party is hurt by something the other person did. Person A is hurt and gives Person B a lot of blame. Anyone who has ever laid eyes on this page knows what a huge proponent I am of personal responsibility, so in my eyes, owning up to whatever your part in the issue is, makes it that much easier to repair the damage. Not one single instance can be put solely on one person's shoulders. There is plenty of blame to pass around. Far too often, the person that is hurt is not willing to accept any of that. I know that this isn't a very popular standpoint, but I don't give two shits about popularity. I do care about truth and realism. The reality is that no relationship ever makes it or fails based upon one person alone. It takes two to make a relationship and it takes two to let it fall apart.
Blame is a nasty, nasty thing. It can be just as hurtful as whatever actions caused the blame, especially if the blame is repeated and manifests its way into an assault of verbal jabs. So you were hurt, that really sucks. Makes you want to hurt that other person back, huh? They should feel a little of the sting, right? You would expect me to say wrong, but I am surprisingly not going to. They should feel the hurt that you feel, that will make it clear to them that whatever they did or did not do was totally unacceptable. That doesn't give you the right to punish them long-term either. Say what you need to say, get the hurt conveyed. If you want to move past that point, you have to recommit yourself to a positive interaction. The hurt and doubt isn't going to go away, trust is going to be hard - the decision is going to have to be made whether the relationship is worth the work.
Blame and hurt are the beginnings. The two that follow those are very hard to attain and some people never truly get past blame and hurt to get the tools that are needed to move past that point. The two most important tools to getting through a rough spot in a relationship: Patience and understanding. If you want a trusting, loving and open relationship after there has been hurt - then you have to be willing to put the time and effort in to making it right. Whoever did the hurting (most likely both parties) have to quit blaming and give some understanding and patience for the other person to heal from that. Nothing is magically better and there is no 'just add water' instant fix. Healing takes time, if someone is rushed into acting like everything is fine then it is likely that it is not only insincere, but that they are feeling resentful of the lack of consideration for the healing process. Then it all swirls right back into that horrible cycle of hurt and blame all over again.
Ask yourself what it is you want and consider all the good and bad. If you are ready to get out of the relationship, then don't stay to drag it out and dish out more hurt. If you want to stay in it, then stop the blaming and hurt, give some patience and understanding. Time won't heal all wounds, but it may provide you with some insight and gratefulness as to why you did want to stay. You don't have to forget to forgive, but you do owe it to yourself to not stay in the past forever. That only keeps you in prison. Give yourself and the person you are in a relationship with the freedom of love and caring instead of the shackles of spite and blame.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
I Was Here First - The Art of Parental Pouting
Divorce isn't a strange subject for me. I am a child of divorced parents, I am divorced and my fiance is also divorced. That doesn't make me an expert by means, but it does give me some significant insight into the subject matter.
Children of divorce have a whole set of different rules to live by. One of the saddest ones that I have seen and personally experienced is this bullshit notion that a parent thinks they have to 'out-do' the other parent. If the child or children of that relationship loves one parent more than the other, they win right? That is an awful way to ultimately treat a person like a possession, something that we should NEVER do to a child. Unfortunately it is all too common.
I don't feel like I need a play by play of what happens with my children and their father when they are there every other weekend. Do they tell me what they did? Yes, they want to share. Do I ask them or pry to 'spy' on my ex? Absolutely not. That is a practice that my ex and I both do make the children feel more comfortable. Nothing is worse than putting a child in the middle. In Iowa, it is mandated that a class is taken on this before a divorce is final (not that most parents really gather anything from it if it doesn't suit their needs) It doesn't concern me if he takes them places or buys them things. I have even went as far as giving him money and ideas for thing for the kids that they have said they would like to do. All I truly care about is that they have a good time and feel loved no matter what parent they are with. Pretty odd concept, huh?
The game I refuse to play is the 'out buying' the other parent. Frankly, I would win because of the money I make and the way we handle our finances, that certainly doesn't mean that we go into a bidding war over the kids. My fiance and I do put our children's wants and needs before our own, but we certainly don't buy their affections. That often results in going to movies that they would like to see before we get a chance to see a movie that we would like to see. They get clothes and shoes before we do. Family entertainment takes precedent over 'adult' entertainment. We would really like to take a trip to Omaha and do things as a couple, but that will just have to wait a while because we have kids 7 days a week. We could have easily spent money on going out, but we bought a pool for the kids instead. When we do buy things for them it is things that will last, not some fleeting fancy of a toy that will quickly be forgotten and tossed into the pile. I also do NOT give into a case of the gimmes. Just because we are at the store, doesn't mean they get something.
There are better ways to make children feel loved than by slinging gifts at them. We do things together as a family - walks, gardening, playing games, feeding the geese, playing at the park, cooking and chores and they LOVE it! They don't get ignored for the tv, the computer or to socialize with someone else. They are included and encouraged. We don't shove our own personal agendas and ideas down their gullets, we let them decide what it is they like and take interest in. It is tough to let them do their own thing, but they feel so much more confident when they do. They will feel open with a parent if they don't feel like they have to 'perform' or put on an act.
This sick obsession that parents have with getting to do something 'first' or more with their child or children is pretty repulsive emotionally. That is a sign that a parent is living vicariously through a child. That is a role reversal, the parent is acting more like a child. Being secure in your place with your child is important to them. That offers them the freedom of happiness no matter where they are and who they are with. Don't act like a selfish child about your child, act like a grown up that just wants them to be happy. You will be giving them the best gift that money can't buy - love.
This weekend we have plans (we always have plans) and they include all of our kids and still serve nourishing our adult side as well. Friday night is always night out for us. We are going to do a little shopping, have some dinner and go see 'Brave' a new Pixar movie. Saturday morning is always the Farmer's Market - complete with yummy goodness, balloon animals, plants and entertainment. Every other Saturday is a cookout at our house with friends - roughly 20 people or so. They all bring their kids, we eat my awesome food, have conversation and laughs, the kids play and no one has to drink to have a good time. We are going to try to squeeze in some time this weekend at one or both of the art fests in town. Not to mention, the on-going commitment to the yard improvement. Not one of those plans is about buying our kids or who does it better, faster or more. Every single one of them is about the memories we can make, the love we can show and the laughs we can have.
Treat your child like a child and give yourself the respect of being a parent. Do it for the right reasons - not to be first. This is parenting, not a race.
Children of divorce have a whole set of different rules to live by. One of the saddest ones that I have seen and personally experienced is this bullshit notion that a parent thinks they have to 'out-do' the other parent. If the child or children of that relationship loves one parent more than the other, they win right? That is an awful way to ultimately treat a person like a possession, something that we should NEVER do to a child. Unfortunately it is all too common.
I don't feel like I need a play by play of what happens with my children and their father when they are there every other weekend. Do they tell me what they did? Yes, they want to share. Do I ask them or pry to 'spy' on my ex? Absolutely not. That is a practice that my ex and I both do make the children feel more comfortable. Nothing is worse than putting a child in the middle. In Iowa, it is mandated that a class is taken on this before a divorce is final (not that most parents really gather anything from it if it doesn't suit their needs) It doesn't concern me if he takes them places or buys them things. I have even went as far as giving him money and ideas for thing for the kids that they have said they would like to do. All I truly care about is that they have a good time and feel loved no matter what parent they are with. Pretty odd concept, huh?
The game I refuse to play is the 'out buying' the other parent. Frankly, I would win because of the money I make and the way we handle our finances, that certainly doesn't mean that we go into a bidding war over the kids. My fiance and I do put our children's wants and needs before our own, but we certainly don't buy their affections. That often results in going to movies that they would like to see before we get a chance to see a movie that we would like to see. They get clothes and shoes before we do. Family entertainment takes precedent over 'adult' entertainment. We would really like to take a trip to Omaha and do things as a couple, but that will just have to wait a while because we have kids 7 days a week. We could have easily spent money on going out, but we bought a pool for the kids instead. When we do buy things for them it is things that will last, not some fleeting fancy of a toy that will quickly be forgotten and tossed into the pile. I also do NOT give into a case of the gimmes. Just because we are at the store, doesn't mean they get something.
There are better ways to make children feel loved than by slinging gifts at them. We do things together as a family - walks, gardening, playing games, feeding the geese, playing at the park, cooking and chores and they LOVE it! They don't get ignored for the tv, the computer or to socialize with someone else. They are included and encouraged. We don't shove our own personal agendas and ideas down their gullets, we let them decide what it is they like and take interest in. It is tough to let them do their own thing, but they feel so much more confident when they do. They will feel open with a parent if they don't feel like they have to 'perform' or put on an act.
This sick obsession that parents have with getting to do something 'first' or more with their child or children is pretty repulsive emotionally. That is a sign that a parent is living vicariously through a child. That is a role reversal, the parent is acting more like a child. Being secure in your place with your child is important to them. That offers them the freedom of happiness no matter where they are and who they are with. Don't act like a selfish child about your child, act like a grown up that just wants them to be happy. You will be giving them the best gift that money can't buy - love.
This weekend we have plans (we always have plans) and they include all of our kids and still serve nourishing our adult side as well. Friday night is always night out for us. We are going to do a little shopping, have some dinner and go see 'Brave' a new Pixar movie. Saturday morning is always the Farmer's Market - complete with yummy goodness, balloon animals, plants and entertainment. Every other Saturday is a cookout at our house with friends - roughly 20 people or so. They all bring their kids, we eat my awesome food, have conversation and laughs, the kids play and no one has to drink to have a good time. We are going to try to squeeze in some time this weekend at one or both of the art fests in town. Not to mention, the on-going commitment to the yard improvement. Not one of those plans is about buying our kids or who does it better, faster or more. Every single one of them is about the memories we can make, the love we can show and the laughs we can have.
Treat your child like a child and give yourself the respect of being a parent. Do it for the right reasons - not to be first. This is parenting, not a race.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Milking It For All It's Worth
I am doing so major revamping to my appearance right now. The renewed commitment to overall health and well-being has me thinking about a few things.
It started about 3 weeks ago with adding tanning back into my schedule. I do not like taking 15 minutes a day for myself, it just seems selfish. That has been curbed some by taking a break at work and hitting the bed during the workday so that I am not skipping out on the kids or the man in my life. Tanning, healthy? Not for all people and in moderation. Sometimes because of my pancreas issues, I experience a core temperature that is well below the average 98.6 F. The 12 minutes of warmth is enough to hold that at bay. My skin is firmer and clearer now (you can tan and not look like leather) I can tolerate time in the sun much easier and there tends to be a lot of that. There is the obvious added benefit of feeling better about myself. That alone encouraged a lot of other changes.
Water, water everywhere. I drink it, lots of it. I cut out soda which was amazingly easy for a self-admitted caffeine addict. Once I nixed the soda, that is when water came in with a vengeance. There is a water cooler in my office that I have been assaulting lately, somewhere to the tune of a gallon a day. That has been an amazing appetite suppressant, as it always is. Fast food? No thanks. I don't really have an issue with wanting fast food to begin with. Greasy, disgusting food rarely appeals to me (unless it's pizza). I am quite skilled in the kitchen and often have friends clamoring to eat items of 'culinary whimsy' so I would much rather bring leftovers to work than punish myself by ordering out of a clown's face.
Now for my first big test - 3 day Watermelon Cleanse. It starts tomorrow, following a 2 day fast that I have been on. I hate crash dieting, I did it. It produces results and quickly, but in the long run it is an awful idea. Just to make it perfectly clear, THIS IS NOT A CRASH DIET. It is a cleanse that will be used to boost my body and clear it of toxins. After the 3 day cleanse, it will be time to start adding food back in slowly. A smaller stomach and better food choices hopefully will get me to my desired goal.
My goal? 60 lbs down from where I was a week ago. That puts me at a reasonable weight and healthy BMI. Am I ever going to be 'skinny'? Hell no. I am just under 6 feet tall, with farm girl shoulders and track runners legs. Petite or emaciated are not in my capabilities. Once upon a time, I lost about 100 pounds. I didn't do it the right way and it resulted in me eventually gaining a lot of it back. While I will be going back to some of the things that worked for me like spin class, walking, lots of water and a heavy ab routine. I will not be returning to the unhealthy things that worked for me but in the end were not of any good consequence - starving myself, getting sick, massive amounts of energy drinks and body obsession. Body obsessed women are usually condescending, bitchy, self-absorbed drones that are so insecure that they worry about it to the extent of being a bore. Not on any list of appealing attributes for me.
What does the title have to do with any of this? An epiphany happened a few nights ago in a joking conversation had between me and the man in my life. There was a joke about old people and how they are all lactose intolerant. There is a reason most people become lactose intolerant as adults. We aren't meant to consume large doses of dairy. We are mammals, we are omnivores. That means we are meant to consume animal meats and vegetation. We aren't cows, so why are we all consuming cow milk? When was the last time you heard of any other mammal drinking milk as an adult? Don't tell me cats, because it makes them sick too. Ask your vet...cats + cow milk = diarrhea. You don't see that, because they know they aren't supposed to. Animal instinct is an amazing thing! Don't get me started on soy milk, coconut milk or almond milk - those aren't milks, those are juices. All of this health consciousness has led me to something I am sure the household might not like. Limited dairy. Yogurts will still be available, low fat and natural cheeses will still be in the fridge. Finding a gallon of ice cream in there is not going to happen, nor is there going to be milk at every meal. Calcium can be supplemented in other ways that won't wreck the digestive system. I will be healthier and I will not be milking it for all it's worth.
It started about 3 weeks ago with adding tanning back into my schedule. I do not like taking 15 minutes a day for myself, it just seems selfish. That has been curbed some by taking a break at work and hitting the bed during the workday so that I am not skipping out on the kids or the man in my life. Tanning, healthy? Not for all people and in moderation. Sometimes because of my pancreas issues, I experience a core temperature that is well below the average 98.6 F. The 12 minutes of warmth is enough to hold that at bay. My skin is firmer and clearer now (you can tan and not look like leather) I can tolerate time in the sun much easier and there tends to be a lot of that. There is the obvious added benefit of feeling better about myself. That alone encouraged a lot of other changes.
Water, water everywhere. I drink it, lots of it. I cut out soda which was amazingly easy for a self-admitted caffeine addict. Once I nixed the soda, that is when water came in with a vengeance. There is a water cooler in my office that I have been assaulting lately, somewhere to the tune of a gallon a day. That has been an amazing appetite suppressant, as it always is. Fast food? No thanks. I don't really have an issue with wanting fast food to begin with. Greasy, disgusting food rarely appeals to me (unless it's pizza). I am quite skilled in the kitchen and often have friends clamoring to eat items of 'culinary whimsy' so I would much rather bring leftovers to work than punish myself by ordering out of a clown's face.
Now for my first big test - 3 day Watermelon Cleanse. It starts tomorrow, following a 2 day fast that I have been on. I hate crash dieting, I did it. It produces results and quickly, but in the long run it is an awful idea. Just to make it perfectly clear, THIS IS NOT A CRASH DIET. It is a cleanse that will be used to boost my body and clear it of toxins. After the 3 day cleanse, it will be time to start adding food back in slowly. A smaller stomach and better food choices hopefully will get me to my desired goal.
My goal? 60 lbs down from where I was a week ago. That puts me at a reasonable weight and healthy BMI. Am I ever going to be 'skinny'? Hell no. I am just under 6 feet tall, with farm girl shoulders and track runners legs. Petite or emaciated are not in my capabilities. Once upon a time, I lost about 100 pounds. I didn't do it the right way and it resulted in me eventually gaining a lot of it back. While I will be going back to some of the things that worked for me like spin class, walking, lots of water and a heavy ab routine. I will not be returning to the unhealthy things that worked for me but in the end were not of any good consequence - starving myself, getting sick, massive amounts of energy drinks and body obsession. Body obsessed women are usually condescending, bitchy, self-absorbed drones that are so insecure that they worry about it to the extent of being a bore. Not on any list of appealing attributes for me.
What does the title have to do with any of this? An epiphany happened a few nights ago in a joking conversation had between me and the man in my life. There was a joke about old people and how they are all lactose intolerant. There is a reason most people become lactose intolerant as adults. We aren't meant to consume large doses of dairy. We are mammals, we are omnivores. That means we are meant to consume animal meats and vegetation. We aren't cows, so why are we all consuming cow milk? When was the last time you heard of any other mammal drinking milk as an adult? Don't tell me cats, because it makes them sick too. Ask your vet...cats + cow milk = diarrhea. You don't see that, because they know they aren't supposed to. Animal instinct is an amazing thing! Don't get me started on soy milk, coconut milk or almond milk - those aren't milks, those are juices. All of this health consciousness has led me to something I am sure the household might not like. Limited dairy. Yogurts will still be available, low fat and natural cheeses will still be in the fridge. Finding a gallon of ice cream in there is not going to happen, nor is there going to be milk at every meal. Calcium can be supplemented in other ways that won't wreck the digestive system. I will be healthier and I will not be milking it for all it's worth.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Gut Feeling
Intuition is a powerful tool. It shouldn't be wielded unless you are ready for the repercussions of finding out the truth.
Trust your gut, it is one of the few animal instincts we have not thoroughly muted. We spend so much time not being in tune, being disconnected to our nature while we are socially connected to every outlet, that intuition seems foreign. It is scary to believe that there is something out there that eludes us to that which we do not directly know.
There is far more to us than we give ourselves credit for. We are an energy source (that is what all carbon based life forms are) That means that we transmit waves of energy and we can receive them as well. Admittedly, this all sounds a little crazy. I am a huge science buff and have done the critical thinking as to why we have deja vu or 'gut feeling' and this is where it has led me. Surely, most of you have had a 'hunch' or 'sneaking suspicion' and those are there to warn you. It is our heightened mental awareness that prepares us for what is to come.
As highly evolved animals (I use that term lightly, mind you) our awareness has given us the same sense as it does other animals. Frequently animals can predict earthquakes, volcano eruptions and storms. Why is it that we would be any less likely to posses coming turbulence? So often, it is easy enough to ignore signs and signals that others send. It is much harder to attach yourself to the environment you are surrounded by - including the other people in it. That kind of connection can lead to more than someone is ready for. It definitely has for me. Knowing that something ill is coming, that impending doom is an awful feeling.
It is high time to trust my gut, that is the only thing I can trust.
Trust your gut, it is one of the few animal instincts we have not thoroughly muted. We spend so much time not being in tune, being disconnected to our nature while we are socially connected to every outlet, that intuition seems foreign. It is scary to believe that there is something out there that eludes us to that which we do not directly know.
There is far more to us than we give ourselves credit for. We are an energy source (that is what all carbon based life forms are) That means that we transmit waves of energy and we can receive them as well. Admittedly, this all sounds a little crazy. I am a huge science buff and have done the critical thinking as to why we have deja vu or 'gut feeling' and this is where it has led me. Surely, most of you have had a 'hunch' or 'sneaking suspicion' and those are there to warn you. It is our heightened mental awareness that prepares us for what is to come.
As highly evolved animals (I use that term lightly, mind you) our awareness has given us the same sense as it does other animals. Frequently animals can predict earthquakes, volcano eruptions and storms. Why is it that we would be any less likely to posses coming turbulence? So often, it is easy enough to ignore signs and signals that others send. It is much harder to attach yourself to the environment you are surrounded by - including the other people in it. That kind of connection can lead to more than someone is ready for. It definitely has for me. Knowing that something ill is coming, that impending doom is an awful feeling.
It is high time to trust my gut, that is the only thing I can trust.
Friday, June 15, 2012
Has Anybody Seen My Mind?
It's that time again, shaktipat. For those of you who don't know, I am a highly spiritual person. I am not loud about it and I definitely don't go preaching to others. I do try to live genuinely and with grace where I can. Shaktipat is a transference of energy from one individual to another. It can produce a myriad of emotions. With Summer Solstice rapidly approaching, it is time for another brush with the Kundalini.
The last time I openly submitted myself to a shaktipat, I had some very impressive results and worked through several issues. The results were amazing and the changes were positive for me and others around me. I admit that this time I am having much more trouble opening up and allowing vulnerability to the process. It is an internal battle with my will and my desire. My desire is to feel love, grace and joy to be accepting of that. My will wants control and direct. It is a battle of the ages and I am not sure who is going to win.
I have regressed lately. I returned to shutting down and not talking. It's comfortable there. No one can bother you in your thoughts if they aren't included. When you live as a mother, companion, friend - there is often very little that you have that is personal. That want to have something for myself has resulted in me being selfish with my thoughts and feelings. It is an extreme form of introversion, one I would like very much to change. My problem is fighting ego. Being emotionally open feels so raw, so naked, so exposed. It's not that I don't have people to open up to, some have even gone as far as to offer themselves up as a sounding board or place to vent. While I am comfortable in the role of the person listening, I am not very comfortable being the orator.
While I can't speak for everyone who 'shuts down' I know that I do it because I begin to feel too much. It's a sort of sensory overload. My natural demeanor is calm, almost tranquil. (Can you be tranquil while laughing uproariously?) I don't like to create turbulence, so letting emotions out risks releasing turbulence. You know how someone asks what you are thinking or feeling? If I respond 'nothing or I don't want to talk about it right now' that is usually greeted with a 'you can tell me, I won't get mad'. No one can guarantee that they won't be upset if they don't know what you are thinking. The key is to control my own reaction to someone else's reaction.; *sigh* tall task there.
The other part about this spiritual journey that I am embarking on over the next month or so is the fact that it involves facing my fears, weaknesses and faults. It is like staring down the barrel of a loaded, semi-automatic 12 gauge and seeing how rapidly the trigger can be pulled. The faults I have looked at pretty long and hard at and I have accepted those, amending them where I could. My weaknesses are readily apparent as well. I am working on strengthening myself. I want a better resolve and fortitude. The fears, oh the fears...this is my struggle. I look at them, the variables, the possible outcomes and I still find the uncertainty frightening. I don't even want to admit my fears, let alone experience them or live them. I want to survive them. I want a harrowing tale of triumph instead of the quiet ambivalence that I subscribe to now.
This fear of the unknown, the inability to direct or guide the outcomes, the vulnerability of accepting love - it isn't going to control me. I am going to face this fear. Just let me gather my thoughts first so I know how to do it. Has anybody seen my mind?
The last time I openly submitted myself to a shaktipat, I had some very impressive results and worked through several issues. The results were amazing and the changes were positive for me and others around me. I admit that this time I am having much more trouble opening up and allowing vulnerability to the process. It is an internal battle with my will and my desire. My desire is to feel love, grace and joy to be accepting of that. My will wants control and direct. It is a battle of the ages and I am not sure who is going to win.
I have regressed lately. I returned to shutting down and not talking. It's comfortable there. No one can bother you in your thoughts if they aren't included. When you live as a mother, companion, friend - there is often very little that you have that is personal. That want to have something for myself has resulted in me being selfish with my thoughts and feelings. It is an extreme form of introversion, one I would like very much to change. My problem is fighting ego. Being emotionally open feels so raw, so naked, so exposed. It's not that I don't have people to open up to, some have even gone as far as to offer themselves up as a sounding board or place to vent. While I am comfortable in the role of the person listening, I am not very comfortable being the orator.
While I can't speak for everyone who 'shuts down' I know that I do it because I begin to feel too much. It's a sort of sensory overload. My natural demeanor is calm, almost tranquil. (Can you be tranquil while laughing uproariously?) I don't like to create turbulence, so letting emotions out risks releasing turbulence. You know how someone asks what you are thinking or feeling? If I respond 'nothing or I don't want to talk about it right now' that is usually greeted with a 'you can tell me, I won't get mad'. No one can guarantee that they won't be upset if they don't know what you are thinking. The key is to control my own reaction to someone else's reaction.; *sigh* tall task there.
The other part about this spiritual journey that I am embarking on over the next month or so is the fact that it involves facing my fears, weaknesses and faults. It is like staring down the barrel of a loaded, semi-automatic 12 gauge and seeing how rapidly the trigger can be pulled. The faults I have looked at pretty long and hard at and I have accepted those, amending them where I could. My weaknesses are readily apparent as well. I am working on strengthening myself. I want a better resolve and fortitude. The fears, oh the fears...this is my struggle. I look at them, the variables, the possible outcomes and I still find the uncertainty frightening. I don't even want to admit my fears, let alone experience them or live them. I want to survive them. I want a harrowing tale of triumph instead of the quiet ambivalence that I subscribe to now.
This fear of the unknown, the inability to direct or guide the outcomes, the vulnerability of accepting love - it isn't going to control me. I am going to face this fear. Just let me gather my thoughts first so I know how to do it. Has anybody seen my mind?
Monday, June 11, 2012
Break Up Hair
This is dedicated to all of those men and especially women who have done this, the stylists who have suffered from bat shit crazy insecure clients and to the rest of us that get a good laugh at your expense. nothing says nut job like a bad dye job.
We have all seen it - drastic cuts or color changes, sudden emergence of bangs. Nothing says unstable like ripping your appearance apart because someone rejected you. Rejection hurts, no doubt about that, but why give someone else the power to tell you that you aren't good enough? Making yourself look ridiculous with changes to your hair sure isn't the way to do it. You left your hair the way it was during the relationship because you knew it looked good on you and felt confident in that. What is the purpose of turning yourself into something laughable because your relationship didn't work? What I find even more curious is the defiance factor - my ex would never allow me to do this with my looks, so I am going to do it now. Why did you allow someone else to determine how YOU look?
I change my hair constantly, but not out of rejection. I change it to do something new and fun and because occasionally my health deems it necessary. I am happy in my relationship and that gives me the confidence to make changes in my appearance. I don't want my partner becoming bored with me. I also know that the happier I am with myself, the happier my relationship will be. (strange concept)
What ultimately makes relationships fail is not physical appearance, so why does someone think that is the answer when things go wrong? Maybe your sex life wasn't bad because you were fat, maybe it was because you were a prude. Was it your long hair that made your communication bad, Samson? Or was it your unwillingness to be open? Did your hair color ruin your relationship or was it your insecurities?
We should never allow someone else to tell us how to look. Likewise, we should never allow ourselves to blame our lousy relationship on our looks. If you keep having relationships that fail, stop looking to physical means to make your next one better. Make yourself better before you get into another relationship. If your claim to fame is that you act completely insane, no relationship is going to last. No amount of stomach crunches, kettle bells or bad dye jobs can change that. Get yourself to the real workout, I mean the tough stuff. Find out whatever it is about YOU that is causing this rejection and breakups, stop blaming superficial means for a problem that is about personality. The crass saying goes "For every beautiful woman out there, there is a man tired of putting up with her shit". No matter what your physical appearance is, you have to be beautiful on the inside to be truly desirable. Instead of giving your looks a makeover, give your emotions and spirit a makeover. While I do appreciate a good laugh, the world could do with a few less bad 'dos' or don'ts if you will.
We have all seen it - drastic cuts or color changes, sudden emergence of bangs. Nothing says unstable like ripping your appearance apart because someone rejected you. Rejection hurts, no doubt about that, but why give someone else the power to tell you that you aren't good enough? Making yourself look ridiculous with changes to your hair sure isn't the way to do it. You left your hair the way it was during the relationship because you knew it looked good on you and felt confident in that. What is the purpose of turning yourself into something laughable because your relationship didn't work? What I find even more curious is the defiance factor - my ex would never allow me to do this with my looks, so I am going to do it now. Why did you allow someone else to determine how YOU look?
I change my hair constantly, but not out of rejection. I change it to do something new and fun and because occasionally my health deems it necessary. I am happy in my relationship and that gives me the confidence to make changes in my appearance. I don't want my partner becoming bored with me. I also know that the happier I am with myself, the happier my relationship will be. (strange concept)
What ultimately makes relationships fail is not physical appearance, so why does someone think that is the answer when things go wrong? Maybe your sex life wasn't bad because you were fat, maybe it was because you were a prude. Was it your long hair that made your communication bad, Samson? Or was it your unwillingness to be open? Did your hair color ruin your relationship or was it your insecurities?
We should never allow someone else to tell us how to look. Likewise, we should never allow ourselves to blame our lousy relationship on our looks. If you keep having relationships that fail, stop looking to physical means to make your next one better. Make yourself better before you get into another relationship. If your claim to fame is that you act completely insane, no relationship is going to last. No amount of stomach crunches, kettle bells or bad dye jobs can change that. Get yourself to the real workout, I mean the tough stuff. Find out whatever it is about YOU that is causing this rejection and breakups, stop blaming superficial means for a problem that is about personality. The crass saying goes "For every beautiful woman out there, there is a man tired of putting up with her shit". No matter what your physical appearance is, you have to be beautiful on the inside to be truly desirable. Instead of giving your looks a makeover, give your emotions and spirit a makeover. While I do appreciate a good laugh, the world could do with a few less bad 'dos' or don'ts if you will.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
We Are Young
This song has caught my ire in a BIG way. I listen to the music that my kids listen to, not because I like it, but to be familiar with it. There is a lot of reasoning behind it (Queen of Reason? A later posting) This song's message and popularity has me a bit disturbed. Allow, if you will, a print out of the lyrics:
Give me a second I,
I need to get my story straight
My friends are in the bathroom getting higher than the Empire State
My lover she’s waiting for me just across the bar
My seat’s been taken by some sunglasses asking 'bout a scar, and
I know I gave it to you months ago
I know you’re trying to forget
But between the drinks and subtle things
The holes in my apologies, you know
I’m trying hard to take it back
So if by the time the bar closes
And you feel like falling down
I’ll carry you home
Tonight
We are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun
Tonight
We are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun
Now I know that I’m not
All that you got
I guess that I, I just thought
Maybe we could find new ways to fall apart
But our friends are back
So let’s raise a cup
‘Cause I found someone to carry me home
Tonight
We are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun
Tonight
We are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun
Carry me home tonight (Nananananana)
Just carry me home tonight (Nananananana)
Carry me home tonight (Nananananana)
Just carry me home tonight (Nananananana)
The moon is on my side
I have no reason to run
So will someone come and carry me home tonight
The angels never arrived
But I can hear the choir
So will someone come and carry me home
Tonight
We are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun
Tonight
We are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun
So if by the time the bar closes
And you feel like falling down
I’ll carry you home tonight
Give me a second I,
I need to get my story straight
My friends are in the bathroom getting higher than the Empire State
My lover she’s waiting for me just across the bar
My seat’s been taken by some sunglasses asking 'bout a scar, and
I know I gave it to you months ago
I know you’re trying to forget
But between the drinks and subtle things
The holes in my apologies, you know
I’m trying hard to take it back
So if by the time the bar closes
And you feel like falling down
I’ll carry you home
Tonight
We are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun
Tonight
We are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun
Now I know that I’m not
All that you got
I guess that I, I just thought
Maybe we could find new ways to fall apart
But our friends are back
So let’s raise a cup
‘Cause I found someone to carry me home
Tonight
We are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun
Tonight
We are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun
Carry me home tonight (Nananananana)
Just carry me home tonight (Nananananana)
Carry me home tonight (Nananananana)
Just carry me home tonight (Nananananana)
The moon is on my side
I have no reason to run
So will someone come and carry me home tonight
The angels never arrived
But I can hear the choir
So will someone come and carry me home
Tonight
We are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun
Tonight
We are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun
So if by the time the bar closes
And you feel like falling down
I’ll carry you home tonight
Now that we have the lyrics posted, let's break this down a bit. Lying is right off the bat - give me a second I need to get my story straight. Straight into drug abuse in the next line - my friends are in the bathroom getting higher than the empire state. Physical abuse - my seat's been taken by some sunglasses asking bout a scar. Deceitfulness - but between the drinks and the subtle things, the holes in my apologies. Great, you said sorry and really didn't mean it. Cheating - I know that I'm not all that you've got. Binge drinking - so by the time the bar closes and you feel like falling down, I'll carry you home tonight.
All of this is topped off with the anthem of reckless abandon. Tonight, we are young, so let's set the world on fire. We can burn brighter than the sun. This has become the hit song of the early summer and people everywhere are eating it up. I can't turn the radio station without hearing this song and it has me concerned about the message it sends for the sake of being popular.
We all stumble and fall along the way, we all make mistakes but to make them out to be something of valor for popularity is truly disappointing. This should be a running list of what NOT to. During our youth and maturing process, many of these issues arise and are suffered. What is the worst part is that it is treated all as right of passage passe. The message is that it's not only ok, but fun (That's the band's name - Fun) This isn't fun, deprecation of self and character to be cool and popular.
The song is catchy and it becomes imbedded in your ears from the media overexposure. While I think some of the lyrics are paid attention to, it's the ending that seems to pass people by. The angels never arrived, but I can hear the choir. That eludes to all of the debauchery getting the ultimate best of the writer - death. We are not as invincible as we would believe to be in our youth. There is no eternal flame that sets our spirit ablaze and leaves us forever in remembrance. I, for one, wouldn't want to be remembered for the folly of my youth. I would much rather be remembered for my maturity and strides I have made past that crazed youth.
Today, I am old.
I want to do responsible things
like housework and going to my job
I am too tired to stay up late
Can I just take a nap?
Yeah, my song doesn't have as much pizzazz. It isn't looking for popularity and isn't catchy. That's ok though, I am not looking to impress anyone. Impress yourself with how far you have come instead of living in some fleeting youth. Growing old can be graceful and beautiful <3
Today, I am old.
I want to do responsible things
like housework and going to my job
I am too tired to stay up late
Can I just take a nap?
Yeah, my song doesn't have as much pizzazz. It isn't looking for popularity and isn't catchy. That's ok though, I am not looking to impress anyone. Impress yourself with how far you have come instead of living in some fleeting youth. Growing old can be graceful and beautiful <3
Monday, June 4, 2012
Summa Summa Summatime
The school year has ended here for all of the kids. That only means 1 thing - the unofficial start of summer. I have some plans for the summer (no surprise there, I plan EVERYTHING!) Planning does not exclude me from spontaneity though, some of our best 'plans' are spontaneous.Most of my recent plans have revolved around gardening - my addiction/passion.
Gardening, oh how I LOVE gardening! There are a lot of improvements that need done to the land on the property and I am definitely the gal up for the task. Last summer, the fiance and I started the work that will need to continue over the next few years until the space is thoroughly revamped into a family friendly and functional space. We put in 150 hostas that were reclaimed from my childhood farmsted last August, that was the first big project we did together. I am not talking about me sitting there watching him do all the work either, I don't believe in that. Want some feminism? Try some REAL equality. I am talking about 100+ degree weather, me running a shovel, slicing into the earth to save some dying plants. Chad is pulling the plants and carrying them to their awaiting chariot of a 1998 Chey pick up. The following day, planting them in a space that was riddled with weeds in the pouring down rain - yeah, that kind of equality and improvement together. Seeing them flourish this year has been a joy for both of us.
Synopsis of the projects done this year so far:
Revitalized the roses (honestly, I did that last summer, but this year - Whoa!) The are on their second full bloom of the year and have grown 6 inches in the last year. Talk about serious improvement :)
Altering the front flower beds into more than just a haven for weeds and the roses. This was another project that we started last year. We took the old wood chip mulch out (terrible to have next to the house, it brings in pests and insect - no thanks) and rocked it with repurposed rock from another part of the property. We also tore up the nonsensically placed pavers and added a few to the front beds so that we could place pots there. This year the beds have had some heavy planting done to them. We added correopsis, lollipop lilies, asiatic lilies, tiny ghost lilies, elephant ears, hen and chicks, geum and sunflowers. We took out the hideous, black scalloped edging and replaced it with a natural rock border. More improvements to come!
Raised vegetable gardens. This was a project we started talking about last year, but knew we had to wait until this year to execute it. There was a chicken coop that sat empty on one of the spots. One of the previous residents had chickens and did take care of them, so they died, leaving an empty chicken coop. What to do with it? REPURPOSE! The chicken coop has become our compost bin (a large one at that) and the base has become one of our raised vegetable gardens. We added some poles and screen for the green beans to climb, making it a very useful space, even though it is small. There are 3 tomato plants in there, 7 varieties of peppers and 6 hills of zucchini squash (green and yellow). Not a bad start for the first year. Did I happen to mention that Chad built another raised garden? Yeah, he is totally my handy man :) We have planted about 30 strawberries in it, watermelon and pumpkins. Next year, we will be adding a couple more to complete the space that was virtually unusable to a sustainable space for our family.
Berry patch and vineyard - this project is just beginning and will take a bit more work than the other projects we have done. We have the strawberries, rhubarb and black raspberries so far. Still to acquire: blueberries, black berries, red raspberries and a couple of different varieties of grapes. Chad and our friend will be building the pergola trellis entrance to it (if I don't find one to purchase that I like) and we will be paving a path through it. Add the tearing out of some invasive tree species and leveling and it's complete.
East side container, paver and rock bed: Chad tore out the rain barrels that he installed at one point in time because they were never used for their original purpose and ended up clogging the downspouts. The old lumber was removed and the surface scraped down. Pavers have been added for planters, which have also been already added. Grass seed has been laid down and now we just need to rock it in. Better drainage in a shady spot? Yes, please!
Driveway random placement of retaining wall blocks: Sometimes I swear the previous owners just stuck things somewhere because they didn't know what else to do with it. This is a prime example. There was about 15 feet of retaining wall blocks running partially along the West driveway. Not the complete length of the lawn and a disaster waiting to happen for someone's tire. We tore those out a couple of weeks ago and repurposed the blocks over to the East driveway where a flower bed with spirea and weigela reside. The railroad ties had begun collapsing and were infested. Two projects in one :) Now the drive on the West is lined with celosia, begonias, vinca and dusty miller. Did his bright little spark ever have fun putting those in!
Oak tree/deck area: This was another one that started last year and is in the process of being perfected this year. Along with the hostas that were reclaimed from the farmsted, I also kept a couple of heirloom lilies. The were my great grandmas and I desperately wanted them to stay in the family.One of the towers above 6 foot right now, with tons of 'babies' sprouting up. Some silver creeper came along for the ride, guess that is going to stay. A winter hardy hibiscus was also salvaged from the farmsted. Joining them this year are purple gladiolas, zebra grass and purple larkspur.
Potted plants? Yeah, we have those <chuckle> The planting thing is a serious addiction. I won't apologize for it at all, I am quite proud of all the work we put in. The kids love gardening, especially Autumn Rosalie. They are eager to help and potted plants often see the quickest results for them. Potted plant run down list? Sure, let's just show how deep this sickness runs: canna lilies (3 different types), salvia, begonias (3 different types), coleus (2 kinds), pansies (3 kinds), violas, lobelia, petunias (4 kinds), asparagus fern, 2 different kinds of vinca, celosia, latana, 3 different varieties of impatients, gladiolas, 3 kinds of begonias, marigold (volunteer) spike (reclaimed), hen and chicks (trailing in a hanging basket), snapdragons and calla lillies. I probably forgot a few that will have to be mentioned later.
Herb Garden? I have one of those too! (Did you really think I wouldn't?!) Peppermint, basil, rosemary, thyme, oregano and chives. Those are the staples for the season. They are placed so that they are accessible to the grill and the kitchen.
Only one project has been started without a lot of real progress, the NE corner of the house. We put in about 20 feet of pampass grass last summer that is taking off well right now. The rest of the space needs a lot of revamping before we can really do anything with it. It is going to require terracing and paving. Plant plans are grass varieties, hollyhocks, lupines, delphiniums, foxgloves and succulents. We plan on creating our own paths, scattering large rocks and giving it a country feel. Maybe I will learn to take before and after photos at some point, it would be incredible to see all the progress we have made.
Back to the 40 and the Oregon Trail! See you off the beaten path!
Gardening, oh how I LOVE gardening! There are a lot of improvements that need done to the land on the property and I am definitely the gal up for the task. Last summer, the fiance and I started the work that will need to continue over the next few years until the space is thoroughly revamped into a family friendly and functional space. We put in 150 hostas that were reclaimed from my childhood farmsted last August, that was the first big project we did together. I am not talking about me sitting there watching him do all the work either, I don't believe in that. Want some feminism? Try some REAL equality. I am talking about 100+ degree weather, me running a shovel, slicing into the earth to save some dying plants. Chad is pulling the plants and carrying them to their awaiting chariot of a 1998 Chey pick up. The following day, planting them in a space that was riddled with weeds in the pouring down rain - yeah, that kind of equality and improvement together. Seeing them flourish this year has been a joy for both of us.
Synopsis of the projects done this year so far:
Revitalized the roses (honestly, I did that last summer, but this year - Whoa!) The are on their second full bloom of the year and have grown 6 inches in the last year. Talk about serious improvement :)
Altering the front flower beds into more than just a haven for weeds and the roses. This was another project that we started last year. We took the old wood chip mulch out (terrible to have next to the house, it brings in pests and insect - no thanks) and rocked it with repurposed rock from another part of the property. We also tore up the nonsensically placed pavers and added a few to the front beds so that we could place pots there. This year the beds have had some heavy planting done to them. We added correopsis, lollipop lilies, asiatic lilies, tiny ghost lilies, elephant ears, hen and chicks, geum and sunflowers. We took out the hideous, black scalloped edging and replaced it with a natural rock border. More improvements to come!
Raised vegetable gardens. This was a project we started talking about last year, but knew we had to wait until this year to execute it. There was a chicken coop that sat empty on one of the spots. One of the previous residents had chickens and did take care of them, so they died, leaving an empty chicken coop. What to do with it? REPURPOSE! The chicken coop has become our compost bin (a large one at that) and the base has become one of our raised vegetable gardens. We added some poles and screen for the green beans to climb, making it a very useful space, even though it is small. There are 3 tomato plants in there, 7 varieties of peppers and 6 hills of zucchini squash (green and yellow). Not a bad start for the first year. Did I happen to mention that Chad built another raised garden? Yeah, he is totally my handy man :) We have planted about 30 strawberries in it, watermelon and pumpkins. Next year, we will be adding a couple more to complete the space that was virtually unusable to a sustainable space for our family.
Berry patch and vineyard - this project is just beginning and will take a bit more work than the other projects we have done. We have the strawberries, rhubarb and black raspberries so far. Still to acquire: blueberries, black berries, red raspberries and a couple of different varieties of grapes. Chad and our friend will be building the pergola trellis entrance to it (if I don't find one to purchase that I like) and we will be paving a path through it. Add the tearing out of some invasive tree species and leveling and it's complete.
East side container, paver and rock bed: Chad tore out the rain barrels that he installed at one point in time because they were never used for their original purpose and ended up clogging the downspouts. The old lumber was removed and the surface scraped down. Pavers have been added for planters, which have also been already added. Grass seed has been laid down and now we just need to rock it in. Better drainage in a shady spot? Yes, please!
Driveway random placement of retaining wall blocks: Sometimes I swear the previous owners just stuck things somewhere because they didn't know what else to do with it. This is a prime example. There was about 15 feet of retaining wall blocks running partially along the West driveway. Not the complete length of the lawn and a disaster waiting to happen for someone's tire. We tore those out a couple of weeks ago and repurposed the blocks over to the East driveway where a flower bed with spirea and weigela reside. The railroad ties had begun collapsing and were infested. Two projects in one :) Now the drive on the West is lined with celosia, begonias, vinca and dusty miller. Did his bright little spark ever have fun putting those in!
Oak tree/deck area: This was another one that started last year and is in the process of being perfected this year. Along with the hostas that were reclaimed from the farmsted, I also kept a couple of heirloom lilies. The were my great grandmas and I desperately wanted them to stay in the family.One of the towers above 6 foot right now, with tons of 'babies' sprouting up. Some silver creeper came along for the ride, guess that is going to stay. A winter hardy hibiscus was also salvaged from the farmsted. Joining them this year are purple gladiolas, zebra grass and purple larkspur.
Potted plants? Yeah, we have those <chuckle> The planting thing is a serious addiction. I won't apologize for it at all, I am quite proud of all the work we put in. The kids love gardening, especially Autumn Rosalie. They are eager to help and potted plants often see the quickest results for them. Potted plant run down list? Sure, let's just show how deep this sickness runs: canna lilies (3 different types), salvia, begonias (3 different types), coleus (2 kinds), pansies (3 kinds), violas, lobelia, petunias (4 kinds), asparagus fern, 2 different kinds of vinca, celosia, latana, 3 different varieties of impatients, gladiolas, 3 kinds of begonias, marigold (volunteer) spike (reclaimed), hen and chicks (trailing in a hanging basket), snapdragons and calla lillies. I probably forgot a few that will have to be mentioned later.
Herb Garden? I have one of those too! (Did you really think I wouldn't?!) Peppermint, basil, rosemary, thyme, oregano and chives. Those are the staples for the season. They are placed so that they are accessible to the grill and the kitchen.
Only one project has been started without a lot of real progress, the NE corner of the house. We put in about 20 feet of pampass grass last summer that is taking off well right now. The rest of the space needs a lot of revamping before we can really do anything with it. It is going to require terracing and paving. Plant plans are grass varieties, hollyhocks, lupines, delphiniums, foxgloves and succulents. We plan on creating our own paths, scattering large rocks and giving it a country feel. Maybe I will learn to take before and after photos at some point, it would be incredible to see all the progress we have made.
Back to the 40 and the Oregon Trail! See you off the beaten path!
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Let's Talk About Sex, Baby
Ah, the taboo topic of sex. Unless you are in a convent or under the age of 17 reading this blog, I am going to venture a guess that you have had sex. So why is it that so many people have difficulty talking about it with their partner?
I am in a relationship, we are engaged and we live together. It might shock you to know that we have sex. What's more shocking is that we talk about sex - openly. That isn't to say that we talk about our sex life with other people, but rather we talk about it with each other. The talking about it with others is a matter I will get to in a paragraph or two. Here is the ultimate surprise - we are happy and fulfilled. That is about the most detailed I will discuss with anyone, but what I will tell you about is the secret to that for us. Expression, honesty, trust and communication have been the keys to getting to this point. It isn't automatically granted, it takes work and dedication. The rewards of closeness and intimacy with your partner is very much worth the risk of vulnerability.
Talking about 'what makes you tick' with your partner should never be taboo or forbidden. It should be encouraged and treated like any other important topic that concerns the relationship. How is your companion to know what you want, desire, think or enjoy with talking about it? We all want sex to be enjoyable for us and our partner, so the best way to get there is to discuss it. It can be scary to talk about at first, just as scary as the first time having sex was. It gets easier to open up and have discussion, to the point where it seems natural to talk about it. The thing to keep in mind is that you must treat the way you approach it with care, just as you would want your partner to treat it with care. You can't just say, 'Ugh, I hate when you do that!' That is very off putting. I have no qualms telling my partner what I DO like and that nets pretty good results. In most cases, your partner wants to know that they are pleasing to you, that you desire them, that you have sexual thoughts about them. It is a matter of focus on the positive. Someone is much more likely to react to instruction if it is made it a positive manner. It doesn't mean you talk filthy to someone to get them to do what you want them to in bed if you are not comfortable with it, there is more than one way to communicate ;)
So after the brief 'how to' section above, I feel the need to explore why people don't talk about it or who they talk about it with. We live in a society where we are given sexual images, innuendos and media 'standards' on a regular basis. We are also a society that is largely made up of WASPy (White. Anglo. Saxon Protestant.) values. The two just don't intersect and we end up confused about what is 'normal'. Bottom line is that 'normal' means only that it is normal to you or your partner. Everyone reacts differently, everyone's body is different and everyone's ideas are different. Becoming comfortable with who you are and how your body reacts is paramount to making you a good partner to someone else. A bit of self-acceptance goes a long way here. After you have accepted yourself, keep in mind that your partner wants that same acceptance and it will be very successful. Talking about sex and expressing your wants and desires can make someone feel vulnerable. Why is that vulnerability there? It comes down to a fear of rejection. Of course we want acceptance by the person we chose, but showing the other person that we trust them enough to share is the best expression of love we can have.
Talking to others about our private sex life: This is where things get a bit touchy. If you aren't discussing your sex life with your partner, you certainly shouldn't be discussing it with anybody else. That is saying that someone else whom you are not intimate with has a more important role than the person that you are intimate with. Give your partner the opportunity to address any concerns you have before taking it to someone else. If you aren't comfortable talking to your partner, then you had better start figuring out why that is before involving someone else. That can lead to a lot of hurt feelings and gossip if you do not. Talking about your sex life life can create jealousy if you have it good or make you the butt of the joke if you don't have it good. Bragging about your sex life can make you look arrogant, cheap, slutty or a liar. Your partner might not be comfortable with being talked about either, that can be very damaging to a relationship. Most people are not comfortable hearing about someone else's sex life and are definitely not qualified to. When we are teenagers and new to sexual experiences, we look to peers (erroneously) for advice and norms. ( I say erroneously because at that age, none of us is truly knowledgeable or emotionally secure enough to know anything outside of we are supposed to like it) As adults, especially in long-term relationships, we should be building that skill set with the person we chose to be with, not basing it off of what someone else says.
Opening up to my fiance about our sex life has not only encouraged sexual intimacy, but emotional intimacy as well. I feel secure with him because of it, I don't feel ashamed with him and we have exchanged a higher form of trust in each other, as well as given reciprocal acceptance. Open up and be honest, the benefits to that are a wonderful gift to give your partnership. Have a frank discussion about what you like and want, your partner will gain the confidence to be able to do the same. So do a little dance, make a little love and get down tonight ;)
I am in a relationship, we are engaged and we live together. It might shock you to know that we have sex. What's more shocking is that we talk about sex - openly. That isn't to say that we talk about our sex life with other people, but rather we talk about it with each other. The talking about it with others is a matter I will get to in a paragraph or two. Here is the ultimate surprise - we are happy and fulfilled. That is about the most detailed I will discuss with anyone, but what I will tell you about is the secret to that for us. Expression, honesty, trust and communication have been the keys to getting to this point. It isn't automatically granted, it takes work and dedication. The rewards of closeness and intimacy with your partner is very much worth the risk of vulnerability.
Talking about 'what makes you tick' with your partner should never be taboo or forbidden. It should be encouraged and treated like any other important topic that concerns the relationship. How is your companion to know what you want, desire, think or enjoy with talking about it? We all want sex to be enjoyable for us and our partner, so the best way to get there is to discuss it. It can be scary to talk about at first, just as scary as the first time having sex was. It gets easier to open up and have discussion, to the point where it seems natural to talk about it. The thing to keep in mind is that you must treat the way you approach it with care, just as you would want your partner to treat it with care. You can't just say, 'Ugh, I hate when you do that!' That is very off putting. I have no qualms telling my partner what I DO like and that nets pretty good results. In most cases, your partner wants to know that they are pleasing to you, that you desire them, that you have sexual thoughts about them. It is a matter of focus on the positive. Someone is much more likely to react to instruction if it is made it a positive manner. It doesn't mean you talk filthy to someone to get them to do what you want them to in bed if you are not comfortable with it, there is more than one way to communicate ;)
So after the brief 'how to' section above, I feel the need to explore why people don't talk about it or who they talk about it with. We live in a society where we are given sexual images, innuendos and media 'standards' on a regular basis. We are also a society that is largely made up of WASPy (White. Anglo. Saxon Protestant.) values. The two just don't intersect and we end up confused about what is 'normal'. Bottom line is that 'normal' means only that it is normal to you or your partner. Everyone reacts differently, everyone's body is different and everyone's ideas are different. Becoming comfortable with who you are and how your body reacts is paramount to making you a good partner to someone else. A bit of self-acceptance goes a long way here. After you have accepted yourself, keep in mind that your partner wants that same acceptance and it will be very successful. Talking about sex and expressing your wants and desires can make someone feel vulnerable. Why is that vulnerability there? It comes down to a fear of rejection. Of course we want acceptance by the person we chose, but showing the other person that we trust them enough to share is the best expression of love we can have.
Talking to others about our private sex life: This is where things get a bit touchy. If you aren't discussing your sex life with your partner, you certainly shouldn't be discussing it with anybody else. That is saying that someone else whom you are not intimate with has a more important role than the person that you are intimate with. Give your partner the opportunity to address any concerns you have before taking it to someone else. If you aren't comfortable talking to your partner, then you had better start figuring out why that is before involving someone else. That can lead to a lot of hurt feelings and gossip if you do not. Talking about your sex life life can create jealousy if you have it good or make you the butt of the joke if you don't have it good. Bragging about your sex life can make you look arrogant, cheap, slutty or a liar. Your partner might not be comfortable with being talked about either, that can be very damaging to a relationship. Most people are not comfortable hearing about someone else's sex life and are definitely not qualified to. When we are teenagers and new to sexual experiences, we look to peers (erroneously) for advice and norms. ( I say erroneously because at that age, none of us is truly knowledgeable or emotionally secure enough to know anything outside of we are supposed to like it) As adults, especially in long-term relationships, we should be building that skill set with the person we chose to be with, not basing it off of what someone else says.
Opening up to my fiance about our sex life has not only encouraged sexual intimacy, but emotional intimacy as well. I feel secure with him because of it, I don't feel ashamed with him and we have exchanged a higher form of trust in each other, as well as given reciprocal acceptance. Open up and be honest, the benefits to that are a wonderful gift to give your partnership. Have a frank discussion about what you like and want, your partner will gain the confidence to be able to do the same. So do a little dance, make a little love and get down tonight ;)
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