Ah, the taboo topic of sex. Unless you are in a convent or under the age of 17 reading this blog, I am going to venture a guess that you have had sex. So why is it that so many people have difficulty talking about it with their partner?
I am in a relationship, we are engaged and we live together. It might shock you to know that we have sex. What's more shocking is that we talk about sex - openly. That isn't to say that we talk about our sex life with other people, but rather we talk about it with each other. The talking about it with others is a matter I will get to in a paragraph or two. Here is the ultimate surprise - we are happy and fulfilled. That is about the most detailed I will discuss with anyone, but what I will tell you about is the secret to that for us. Expression, honesty, trust and communication have been the keys to getting to this point. It isn't automatically granted, it takes work and dedication. The rewards of closeness and intimacy with your partner is very much worth the risk of vulnerability.
Talking about 'what makes you tick' with your partner should never be taboo or forbidden. It should be encouraged and treated like any other important topic that concerns the relationship. How is your companion to know what you want, desire, think or enjoy with talking about it? We all want sex to be enjoyable for us and our partner, so the best way to get there is to discuss it. It can be scary to talk about at first, just as scary as the first time having sex was. It gets easier to open up and have discussion, to the point where it seems natural to talk about it. The thing to keep in mind is that you must treat the way you approach it with care, just as you would want your partner to treat it with care. You can't just say, 'Ugh, I hate when you do that!' That is very off putting. I have no qualms telling my partner what I DO like and that nets pretty good results. In most cases, your partner wants to know that they are pleasing to you, that you desire them, that you have sexual thoughts about them. It is a matter of focus on the positive. Someone is much more likely to react to instruction if it is made it a positive manner. It doesn't mean you talk filthy to someone to get them to do what you want them to in bed if you are not comfortable with it, there is more than one way to communicate ;)
So after the brief 'how to' section above, I feel the need to explore why people don't talk about it or who they talk about it with. We live in a society where we are given sexual images, innuendos and media 'standards' on a regular basis. We are also a society that is largely made up of WASPy (White. Anglo. Saxon Protestant.) values. The two just don't intersect and we end up confused about what is 'normal'. Bottom line is that 'normal' means only that it is normal to you or your partner. Everyone reacts differently, everyone's body is different and everyone's ideas are different. Becoming comfortable with who you are and how your body reacts is paramount to making you a good partner to someone else. A bit of self-acceptance goes a long way here. After you have accepted yourself, keep in mind that your partner wants that same acceptance and it will be very successful. Talking about sex and expressing your wants and desires can make someone feel vulnerable. Why is that vulnerability there? It comes down to a fear of rejection. Of course we want acceptance by the person we chose, but showing the other person that we trust them enough to share is the best expression of love we can have.
Talking to others about our private sex life: This is where things get a bit touchy. If you aren't discussing your sex life with your partner, you certainly shouldn't be discussing it with anybody else. That is saying that someone else whom you are not intimate with has a more important role than the person that you are intimate with. Give your partner the opportunity to address any concerns you have before taking it to someone else. If you aren't comfortable talking to your partner, then you had better start figuring out why that is before involving someone else. That can lead to a lot of hurt feelings and gossip if you do not. Talking about your sex life life can create jealousy if you have it good or make you the butt of the joke if you don't have it good. Bragging about your sex life can make you look arrogant, cheap, slutty or a liar. Your partner might not be comfortable with being talked about either, that can be very damaging to a relationship. Most people are not comfortable hearing about someone else's sex life and are definitely not qualified to. When we are teenagers and new to sexual experiences, we look to peers (erroneously) for advice and norms. ( I say erroneously because at that age, none of us is truly knowledgeable or emotionally secure enough to know anything outside of we are supposed to like it) As adults, especially in long-term relationships, we should be building that skill set with the person we chose to be with, not basing it off of what someone else says.
Opening up to my fiance about our sex life has not only encouraged sexual intimacy, but emotional intimacy as well. I feel secure with him because of it, I don't feel ashamed with him and we have exchanged a higher form of trust in each other, as well as given reciprocal acceptance. Open up and be honest, the benefits to that are a wonderful gift to give your partnership. Have a frank discussion about what you like and want, your partner will gain the confidence to be able to do the same. So do a little dance, make a little love and get down tonight ;)
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