I have had this hair-brained dream for about 15 years that turned into a nightmare last night. Anyone who knows me, knows how much I love to cook and host. I am not professionally trained by any means, but I developed a knack for it. A knack for it is underselling it a lot. I started catering and serving meals to 30+ people when I was 19. It started with potlucks at work and friends coming over for dinners or cookouts. From there it grew into catering full dinners for the office I worked in and doing full-on Christmas trays by order. We do dinners for friends and family every couple of weeks now. For a while there was a plan in place to turn it into a cafe or full time catering business. It made me happy, almost euphoric to think about it. Last night told me that this dream I have had for half my life was nothing more than some silly fantasy that will never and should never come true.
Before people scream at me for giving up on a dream, let me explain. I have a family, a relationship and a full time job already. My family and my relationship are the most important things in my life. My fiance needs me and our 4 children need me. Last night it was trying to find time to cook for 6 hours, get 3 kids cycled through bathing, clip all of their nails and help them brush their hair, keep track of my eldest and her company, drop off and pickup my fiance at an appointment, take a bath myself, go to the grocery store and attempt to keep the kitchen clean and in reasonable order while I did all this. *sigh* All of that was after working a full 9 hours and making an hour commute. Scheduling wise, it all fell into place somehow. The whole family helped with making the 8 dozen cookies last night. The kids really love to help with cooking and we are happy to oblige that. It was the after affects that were the downfall.
At the end of the day (midnight) I had been going for 18 hours. I was exhausted, not just worn out. There was this nervousness about how much of the housework I would be able to get done before we have dinner with our friends tonight. None of them expect the house to be perfect, but I do. It's just part of that desire to be a good hostess and make dinner enjoyable for everyone. The worst of it came after we crawled into bed for the night. I made the man in my life feel neglected and "put on the back burner" because I was so focused on my desire and goal. That was really unfair of me. Because I needed to get so much done last night, we couldn't spend any quality time together. In the end, I felt guilty for even taking the time to take a bath. That is pretty much a staple to everyday life and somehow I felt like I didn't deserve it because I took time to do other things.
I stopped doing things for me a while ago. Even something as simple as taking the 15 minutes to go tanning isn't happening anymore. There is positively no time for me to do things for me. I resigned that right when I had a family and entered into a relationship, trying to rectify that with my spirit has been pretty difficult. I am not an individual anymore and I don't get the luxury of a personal agenda. If I want to stay in a relationship and be the mother of children, it is time to accept that my place and stop wishing or wanting for more. I love them and am not going to do anything to jeopardize their happiness, even if it means giving up on my dreams. My life might just be better than my dreams.
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