This isn't going to be a post about a pen pal in the slammer or some tribute to the Man in Black - though completely deserving. Ladies and gentlemen (broads and dudes, chicks and guys, females and males - if you're not into the whole brevity thing) I am talking about keeping a relationship on track instead of longing watching the relationship train move down the line from your imprisonment of issues.
Relationships aren't easy and take a lot of work. Anyone that says different is a flat out liar. What does it take to get a relationship 'back on track' once it has been derailed? That all depends on what happened to the relationship, where the relationship is and how the people in the relationship act/react. The third part of the equation is probably going to be the highlighted topic today (I am not ever totally sure where a post will lead me).
Let's look at some simple ways to keep it on track first:
1) Don't take the person you are with for granted - I have to say this is probably where most relationships go wrong. There was something about that person that you drew you to them, sparked your interest and made you want more than just a friendship with them. That does not mean that once you have them that they are to be treated poorly or dismissively. Best of all the choices - show him/her and tell that person why you are with them and that you want them in your life.
2) Appreciate the person you are with - It kind of goes with the first one, but isn't quite the same. Sometimes two little words can mean more than three little words. Do you tell your partner thank you and genuinely mean it? Try it, it works. Not just for the big things either, try it out on unexpected times and for something little. In our house...it's the pepper on the potatoes.
3) Speak up - if something is bothering you, say it. It is so much easier to deal with something when it happens, rather than let it fester under the surface. Be careful and respectful about how you approach it and the other person might be more inclined to listen. Happiness counts :)
4) Live without secrets - this one is hard for some people. Secrets, lies and hiding are products of shame. If you weren't ashamed of it and didn't feel guilty about it, there would be no need to hide it. Shame and guilt are there to tell us that something isn't right and we shouldn't be doing it.
5) Respect yourself - equally as hard as the fourth one. If you respect yourself and don't tolerate any less than you would give, you are much more likely to find someone who is able to give you what it is you need out of a relationship.
What happens when things start to go wrong? The two prime culprits here are hurt and blame. One party is hurt by something the other person did. Person A is hurt and gives Person B a lot of blame. Anyone who has ever laid eyes on this page knows what a huge proponent I am of personal responsibility, so in my eyes, owning up to whatever your part in the issue is, makes it that much easier to repair the damage. Not one single instance can be put solely on one person's shoulders. There is plenty of blame to pass around. Far too often, the person that is hurt is not willing to accept any of that. I know that this isn't a very popular standpoint, but I don't give two shits about popularity. I do care about truth and realism. The reality is that no relationship ever makes it or fails based upon one person alone. It takes two to make a relationship and it takes two to let it fall apart.
Blame is a nasty, nasty thing. It can be just as hurtful as whatever actions caused the blame, especially if the blame is repeated and manifests its way into an assault of verbal jabs. So you were hurt, that really sucks. Makes you want to hurt that other person back, huh? They should feel a little of the sting, right? You would expect me to say wrong, but I am surprisingly not going to. They should feel the hurt that you feel, that will make it clear to them that whatever they did or did not do was totally unacceptable. That doesn't give you the right to punish them long-term either. Say what you need to say, get the hurt conveyed. If you want to move past that point, you have to recommit yourself to a positive interaction. The hurt and doubt isn't going to go away, trust is going to be hard - the decision is going to have to be made whether the relationship is worth the work.
Blame and hurt are the beginnings. The two that follow those are very hard to attain and some people never truly get past blame and hurt to get the tools that are needed to move past that point. The two most important tools to getting through a rough spot in a relationship: Patience and understanding. If you want a trusting, loving and open relationship after there has been hurt - then you have to be willing to put the time and effort in to making it right. Whoever did the hurting (most likely both parties) have to quit blaming and give some understanding and patience for the other person to heal from that. Nothing is magically better and there is no 'just add water' instant fix. Healing takes time, if someone is rushed into acting like everything is fine then it is likely that it is not only insincere, but that they are feeling resentful of the lack of consideration for the healing process. Then it all swirls right back into that horrible cycle of hurt and blame all over again.
Ask yourself what it is you want and consider all the good and bad. If you are ready to get out of the relationship, then don't stay to drag it out and dish out more hurt. If you want to stay in it, then stop the blaming and hurt, give some patience and understanding. Time won't heal all wounds, but it may provide you with some insight and gratefulness as to why you did want to stay. You don't have to forget to forgive, but you do owe it to yourself to not stay in the past forever. That only keeps you in prison. Give yourself and the person you are in a relationship with the freedom of love and caring instead of the shackles of spite and blame.
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