Shutting Down

If you happen to be reading this, you are probably aware that I have not written anything for quite some time. Ultimately, I have lost desire to share with others. None of you really need my advice, thoughts, rants or ramblings. I did it more as a catharsis. Sometimes getting my thoughts out of my head and onto the page relieved how much I had pent up inside. Lately, I have been afraid to let any of that out.

I can tell you that there are things in my life that have precipitated this shut down. I can also tell you that due to my intensely private and untrusting nature, that I will not be discussing any of that. There is some solace in not being close to anyone. There is something about being an outsider, even in your own life, that provides comfort. That sort of detachment offers a little bit of protection. Protection is what I need right now.

Please don't take offense if you think we are close. I simply do not know and am unwilling to share closeness. A lifetime of having people pass through my life and disappear into the mists of time has left me shivering in the cold. It is not with morsel of despair, but more of a longing to live with a different kind of warmth. I am going to have to stoke my own fire if I want to find that.

After years of being the person that people turn to when they need advice, comfort, companionship, conversation or just a good laugh - it has come to an end. We had a good run, didn't we? Is it possible to let others confide in you without becoming attached to their situation. Being empathetic is usually not worth the toils. While there are the wild and euphoric joys of celebration in their triumphs, there is the devastating lows of their defeats. How do I connect with one person without leaving someone else out? That dilemma has finally broken me. It is impossible. Rather than risk hurting one person's feelings to help another, I am bowing out altogether.

Find comfort and warmth in the company of others. Be good to those that consider you close. Have confidence in your own answers. For now, I am shutting down.

Blessings to you all ~ Andrea