During divorce, people are often blinded by their own ego to truly consider their child. They are so focused on the lustful inflicting of damage to their ex that they don't think about the damage that it also does to their child. If the relationship ended, it was because it had problems. Whether both parties want to admit it or not, both were to blame in some way - no divorce is 100% anyone's fault.
If you are telling the child what 'terrible things the other person has done' that makes your personal experience become the child's personal experience. That is narcissism at it's finest, my readers. That does absolutely nothing to benefit the child, only to support your own personal vendetta agenda. Your child the mercenary? Pretty disgusting move. While it may work temporarily in your favor to trash talk the other parent, eventually the child will come to realize that they were put in the middle and treated with complete disrespect. Bottom line here is that as an adult, your wants do not supersede the needs of child feeling stable and secure. A child should be given the opportunity to love both of their parents, not be forced into living a bad experience vicariously through someone else.
After a divorce a child has enough on their proverbial plate to worry about taking on feelings that aren't their own. They have already 'lost' daily interaction with both of their parents. There is confusion about the differences in between the two houses and how to deal with each parent separately. The child has to figure out how they fit into the new dynamic, all the while trying to keep up with their everyday tasks - like school, sports and their . Any adult who goes through divorce knows how difficult it is for them to keep it together and still manage their everyday, so how do they expect that a child could? Why would any adult think it is ok to pile more emotional BS onto a child that doesn't belong to them?! Kids have enough to deal with on their own.
Children should be allowed to love and allowed to receive love from both parents. Taking a side should never be a parent's goal. That is a selfish act of insecurity and ultimately it is a betrayal of the trust and love that your child needs. Children expect to be safe with their parents, they expect love from their parents. Love means not having to choose, love means giving them open arms and welcoming them for who they are - that includes who they love.
Love your child more than hate someone else.
A little addendum here after some post posting discussion:
ReplyDeleteA friend of mine expressed how grateful she was to have good interactions with her ex for the sake of their children after reading this. That is about all I am inclined to say, because if she wanted her comments shared here and publicly, then she would have. It was definitely refreshing to see someone else reporting putting their children first. Another friend of mine that I approached with this article also reported a lack of mud slinging towards his ex. His thoughts were that no matter how much his ex infuriates him and most likely vice versa they refrain from talking badly about their ex in front of their children. Of course no one is fully happy with all the choices their ex has made and they have the right to express that, just not to a child. That is giving and expecting a child to grasp the complexities of an adult relationship. It is encouraging to know that other parents are acting with their minds and their hearts!
My ex and I didn't always get along, but we do now. Whatever happened between us is not bigger than the love we have for our children. While we are no longer in a relationship, we are still parenting together. We help each house in the ways that we can to make life as good as possible for the kids. There have been times my ex has eaten with us, times when we have shared labor or materials for the betterment of the children's living space. We aren't a perfect example by any means, but we try to be as good of one as we can. There is no pressure here for them to pledge any allegiance to a parent, there is no stress about being quizzed about what they did with the other parent, no interrogations. There is compromise and unity for our children because we love them more than value our ego. I a, thankful to have two men in my life making the best of it for my children, one is my former spouse and their father, the other my very very soon to be spouse and the male influence in the home they reside in. Thank you fellas for being more than just guys, thank you for being men.