It's that time again, shaktipat. For those of you who don't know, I am a highly spiritual person. I am not loud about it and I definitely don't go preaching to others. I do try to live genuinely and with grace where I can. Shaktipat is a transference of energy from one individual to another. It can produce a myriad of emotions. With Summer Solstice rapidly approaching, it is time for another brush with the Kundalini.
The last time I openly submitted myself to a shaktipat, I had some very impressive results and worked through several issues. The results were amazing and the changes were positive for me and others around me. I admit that this time I am having much more trouble opening up and allowing vulnerability to the process. It is an internal battle with my will and my desire. My desire is to feel love, grace and joy to be accepting of that. My will wants control and direct. It is a battle of the ages and I am not sure who is going to win.
I have regressed lately. I returned to shutting down and not talking. It's comfortable there. No one can bother you in your thoughts if they aren't included. When you live as a mother, companion, friend - there is often very little that you have that is personal. That want to have something for myself has resulted in me being selfish with my thoughts and feelings. It is an extreme form of introversion, one I would like very much to change. My problem is fighting ego. Being emotionally open feels so raw, so naked, so exposed. It's not that I don't have people to open up to, some have even gone as far as to offer themselves up as a sounding board or place to vent. While I am comfortable in the role of the person listening, I am not very comfortable being the orator.
While I can't speak for everyone who 'shuts down' I know that I do it because I begin to feel too much. It's a sort of sensory overload. My natural demeanor is calm, almost tranquil. (Can you be tranquil while laughing uproariously?) I don't like to create turbulence, so letting emotions out risks releasing turbulence. You know how someone asks what you are thinking or feeling? If I respond 'nothing or I don't want to talk about it right now' that is usually greeted with a 'you can tell me, I won't get mad'. No one can guarantee that they won't be upset if they don't know what you are thinking. The key is to control my own reaction to someone else's reaction.; *sigh* tall task there.
The other part about this spiritual journey that I am embarking on over the next month or so is the fact that it involves facing my fears, weaknesses and faults. It is like staring down the barrel of a loaded, semi-automatic 12 gauge and seeing how rapidly the trigger can be pulled. The faults I have looked at pretty long and hard at and I have accepted those, amending them where I could. My weaknesses are readily apparent as well. I am working on strengthening myself. I want a better resolve and fortitude. The fears, oh the fears...this is my struggle. I look at them, the variables, the possible outcomes and I still find the uncertainty frightening. I don't even want to admit my fears, let alone experience them or live them. I want to survive them. I want a harrowing tale of triumph instead of the quiet ambivalence that I subscribe to now.
This fear of the unknown, the inability to direct or guide the outcomes, the vulnerability of accepting love - it isn't going to control me. I am going to face this fear. Just let me gather my thoughts first so I know how to do it. Has anybody seen my mind?
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