Shamefully Absent

I am thinking of skipping the grueling lectures of personal responsibility for this post (notice I didn't say today, because I might have another post in me before the day is up)

There has been a little something missing from my life lately outside of the writey/thinky thing I do here - creating. I got a bit of a scolding for having absconded from it yesterday. I have made a lot of money doing the creating thing, but that is not my personal motivation for it. The release of expression, care and thought that goes into creating a piece of jewelry, hairpiece or drawing is like my soul bursts all over what I am making. A soulgasm? I have a bit of a Tom Hanks moment. 'Look what I have created!' It's like seeing fire for the first time. Lately my flame has been at a low smolder. Tonight, I am about to throw some kerosene on that mutha!

I needed a bit of inspiration and I think the amazing weather, the walks at the lake, the flowers in bloom have provided all I need. I have a serious love of planting and flowers. Growth and blooms are a wonderful personal reminder of who we are and how we should be. I am growing, but not blooming. That is a shot right to the heart. I want to be beautiful and without doing some creating, all I am being is plain.

I used to call myself a peacock. It was very fitting. I was flamboyant and flashy, readily displaying all of my magnificence.Those stunning birds taught me a lot about making people pay attention to something spectacular. It was a matter of 'fake it til you make it'. It's high time I went back to that.

I quit creating because of a lack of confidence. I quit taking time for me. I love being able to help everyone that comes to me. Being understanding and available are traits about me that I cherish. I have felt guilty for taking time away from what everyone else needs from me to know that it is perfectly acceptable to take time for myself. It's awfully hard for me to follow my own advice on this one. I am always telling people that it is ok to take time for themselves and that it is necessary. Easier said than done. I am just not good at being selfish, guess that's an area to work on. Someone smart told me 'If you aren't centered, it is going to be damn hard for you to center anyone else'.  Time to get back to creation, where I first found my zen, my quiet place in all this madness. OM