Ashes, Ashes We All Fall Down

Kind of haunting sentiment for a children's game, huh? I am not sure what the meaning behind those words was, for I am not the author of them, the meaning I have assigned to them is that we can't be strong forever. Everyone breaks, everyone falls, everyone fails, everyone has been burnt. No matter how many roses and posies we can grasp, there still comes a time when we will fall.

I fancy myself to be a strong woman, not just physically but emotionally as well. The physical strength is obvious - I was practically an indentured servant aka farm girl. I can butcher your deer, plow your 40, split wood all day long (my step-dad's favorite punishment) and still make a meal at the end of the day. My physical stature is massive, honestly, I don't really care for that either. I would rather be able to handle my own than rely on others to do my work for me. Self-sufficient is what I like to call it, being an 'independent woman' has some negative connotation in my mind.

Emotional strength is where I have had my fair share of struggles. I try to be strong and reserved, not allowing my emotions to spill over onto others. How many people can really say they know me or know much of anything about me? Not many, because I simply don't share. It's preservation for me. I don't feel comfortable with expressing my feelings to others. Sounds pretty strange coming from someone who has a public blog, I know. Sometimes, especially lately I find that I am thinking even when I don't want to. It's almost like I can't get thoughts, ideas, feelings or notions out of my head because I do not share any of them. Being a private and reserved person offers protection from others, but does little in the way of protecting from self. Will I cry publicly or proclaim my feelings all over the place? Not likely, that just isn't my style. I don't offer up much publicly in the way of substance about my own personal life, because I am not sure who is genuine and who is false. Does that make me strong to keep it all to myself or does that just make me doubtful of others and their intentions?

I am burning myself up inside trying to chase down the answers to these questions. Right now, I run the risk of overflowing with emotion and sentiment, to the point where it will be blunt and raw when it comes out. Is anyone equipped to deal with that kind of openness? I am not sure that I am willing to find out all the answers just yet. To be completely honest, I am not sure I want the love, care and concern of others. It feels intrusive and unnatural for me. I want to have the power and control to chose who I let in my life and who I feel safe with. Until I can find a safe place...Ashes, ashes - we all fall down.