Volcano

We are all familiar with volcanoes - those opening or ruptures in the earth's crust that send magma, hot ash and gasses spilling out onto the earth's surface. I am not imagining the slow rolling rivers of lava that continuously build an island, more like the violent explosions that expel molten chunks of rock and destructive pyroclastic flow.

Why images of volcanoes? That is what I feel like lately on both a physical and emotional level. Let's be honest here, I am not the most emotional person out there, so for me to be this affected has taken a lot. The physical is a direct result of some bacteria and a ton of stress that just doesn't show itself. (back to not being emotional) After two days of excruciating stomach pain, throwing up copious amounts of blood and some other undesirable side effects that I don't care to reveal here for personal humility - I have come to the conclusion that I need to do some serious releasing. My body is acting like the volcano that I feel like inside.

I have relayed in this blog before that I am frequently a sounding board, voice of reason, confidant and person of understanding for many others in my life. Here is the terrible honesty part - I have enough going on in my life right now that I just can't be the person of support for everyone else. I feel guilty for that and I shouldn't. It feels selfish to take time for myself and not consider everyone else first. (major flaw) I don't ever ask for help from others and it is rare that I even let others in on what's going on in my life. Being protective and careful of myself has made it difficult to open up. I have found myself feeling like I have taken on more than I can handle for other people and have little to often no time to dedicate to myself and the issues in my life.

I am so ready to blow and I don't want to be toxic or destructive to other people in my life. That is the antithesis of what I seek out to do. I am not ready to blow out of anger or frustration (even though some of that crops up from time to time) more like the pressure is just building without an effective way to vent. I am running an entire business by myself, dealing with a family of 6 that has constant demands on my schedule and attention,  working a full-time job, helping my ex-husband get through a program to help himself, all while being a counselor to a lot of people (about 10 outside of my household that lean on/vent to me regularly). I love my family, I love my friends and I am there at a drop of a hat, but a bit of this pressure has to simmer for a bit before I blow. I am doing all I can to complete capacity and it has taken it's toll.

How do I go about telling other people 'no' or that I need a break? I am not used to doing that and I am very hesitant to turn someone away that is wanting to open up to me. I don't want to seem ungrateful for their trust. I just need a little while to recoup my own life, relationships and health. Seeming that I have it all under control and that I am calm and collected has become my double-edged sword. Please don't take it as an insult if I don't reply immediately or if I don't throw my offers of help at you right now. It is simply me time for a little while. Call it a mother's Day present to myself. What mother couldn't use a little extra sanity?