Up for the Challenge

When is it time for me? That is a question that a lot of us have had to ask. Let me be transparent here - I neglect me in order to make sure others are taken care of. Sounds pretty counter-intuitive, right? Well it is. Knowing is half the battle, so at least I have that going for me. How do I go about correcting it?

Do I feel that it is ok to take time for me and just do what I want? Unequivocally no. For the life of me, I just don't know why that is either. I used to have spin class for an hour every day, walk 5+ miles a day, go tanning, had an ab routine that would force grown men into tears and generally took time for myself. Now I can't even seem to do the smallest thing in order to make me feel better about myself. I hate, HATE the way I look now and I am positively miserable about it. Heaven forbid if a guy or gal should 'hit on me' then I just spend the whole time wondering what is wrong with that person. How did I get to the point where I am stuck back here again?

3 years ago I looked better than I ever had in my life. I put a lot of work into too. It seems like I just don't have the time to commit to myself like that anymore. I really can't stand those parents who make more time for themselves than they do for their kids. Nothing says selfish like a mom who looks great, but whose child looks disheveled and dirty. So how do I find a balance that allows me time to work on myself and still maintain a relationship with my kids and my fiance? Does that mean that exercise is family time? There are a few members of the family that don't need it and are far too young to.

I am not really sure where I am going with this. All I know is that something needs to change soon. A year from now I am going to be married and I sure don't want to be a fat bride. I want to be someone who is confident walking down the aisle, someone that impresses the man I love with my commitment to making sure I am attractive to him. I need to cleanse my body of the negativity I hold on to about myself. I need to forgive myself and allow a better body for me. I need to tell me I am worthy of it - that's the hard part. Exercise is easy, dieting is easy, the mental preparedness is the most difficult of these tasks. Today I am telling myself that I am up for the challenge.