Let's Talk About Sex, Baby

Ah, the taboo topic of sex. Unless you are in a convent or under the age of 17 reading this blog, I am going to venture a guess that you have had sex. So why is it that so many people have difficulty talking about it with their partner?

I am in a relationship, we are engaged and we live together. It might shock you to know that we have sex. What's more shocking is that we talk about sex - openly. That isn't to say that we talk about our sex life with other people, but rather we talk about it with each other. The talking about it with others is a matter I will get to in a paragraph or two. Here is the ultimate surprise - we are happy and fulfilled. That is about the most detailed I will discuss with anyone, but what I will tell you about is the secret to that for us. Expression, honesty, trust and communication have been the keys to getting to this point. It isn't automatically granted, it takes work and dedication. The rewards of closeness and intimacy with your partner is very much worth the risk of vulnerability.

Talking about 'what makes you tick' with your partner should never be taboo or forbidden. It should be encouraged and treated like any other important topic that concerns the relationship. How is your companion to know what you want, desire, think or enjoy with talking about it? We all want sex to be enjoyable for us and our partner, so the best way to get there is to discuss it. It can be scary to talk about at first, just as scary as the first time having sex was. It gets easier to open up and have discussion, to the point where it seems natural to talk about it. The thing to keep in mind is that you must treat the way you approach it with care, just as you would want your partner to treat it with care. You can't just say, 'Ugh, I hate when you do that!' That is very off putting. I have no qualms telling my partner what I DO like and that nets pretty good results. In most cases, your partner wants to know that they are pleasing to you, that you desire them, that you have sexual thoughts about them. It is a matter of focus on the positive. Someone is much more likely to react to instruction if it is made it a positive manner. It doesn't mean you talk filthy to someone to get them to do what you want them to in bed if you are not comfortable with it, there is more than one way to communicate ;)

So after the brief 'how to' section above, I feel the need to explore why people don't talk about it or who they talk about it with. We live in a society where we are given sexual images, innuendos and media 'standards' on a regular basis. We are also a society that is largely made up of WASPy (White. Anglo. Saxon Protestant.) values. The two just don't intersect and we end up confused about what is 'normal'. Bottom line is that 'normal' means only that it is normal to you or your partner. Everyone reacts differently, everyone's body is different and everyone's ideas are different. Becoming comfortable with who you are and how your body reacts is paramount to making you a good partner to someone else. A bit of self-acceptance goes a long way here. After you have accepted yourself, keep in mind that your partner wants that same acceptance and it will be very successful. Talking about sex and expressing your wants and desires can make someone feel vulnerable. Why is that vulnerability there? It comes down to a fear of rejection. Of course we want acceptance by the person we chose, but showing the other person that we trust them enough to share is the best expression of love we can have.

Talking to others about our private sex life: This is where things get a bit touchy. If you aren't discussing your sex life with your partner, you certainly shouldn't be discussing it with anybody else. That is saying that someone else whom you are not intimate with has a more important role than the person that you are intimate with. Give your partner the opportunity to address any concerns you have before taking it to someone else. If you aren't comfortable talking to your partner, then you had better start figuring out why that is before involving someone else. That can lead to a lot of hurt feelings and gossip if you do not. Talking about your sex life life can create jealousy if you have it good or make you the butt of the joke if you don't have it good. Bragging about your sex life can make you look arrogant, cheap, slutty or a liar. Your partner might not be comfortable with being talked about either, that can be very damaging to a relationship. Most people are not comfortable hearing about someone else's sex life and are definitely not qualified to. When we are teenagers and new to sexual experiences, we look to peers (erroneously) for advice and norms. ( I say erroneously because at that age, none of us is truly knowledgeable or emotionally secure enough to know anything outside of we are supposed to like it) As adults, especially in long-term relationships, we should be building that skill set with the person we chose to be with, not basing it off of what someone else says.

Opening up to my fiance about our sex life has not only encouraged sexual intimacy, but emotional intimacy as well. I feel secure with him because of it, I don't feel ashamed with him and we have exchanged a higher form of trust in each other, as well as given reciprocal acceptance. Open up and be honest, the benefits to that are a wonderful gift to give your partnership. Have a frank discussion about what you like and want, your partner will gain the confidence to be able to do the same. So do a little dance, make a little love and get down tonight ;)

Ashes, Ashes We All Fall Down

Kind of haunting sentiment for a children's game, huh? I am not sure what the meaning behind those words was, for I am not the author of them, the meaning I have assigned to them is that we can't be strong forever. Everyone breaks, everyone falls, everyone fails, everyone has been burnt. No matter how many roses and posies we can grasp, there still comes a time when we will fall.

I fancy myself to be a strong woman, not just physically but emotionally as well. The physical strength is obvious - I was practically an indentured servant aka farm girl. I can butcher your deer, plow your 40, split wood all day long (my step-dad's favorite punishment) and still make a meal at the end of the day. My physical stature is massive, honestly, I don't really care for that either. I would rather be able to handle my own than rely on others to do my work for me. Self-sufficient is what I like to call it, being an 'independent woman' has some negative connotation in my mind.

Emotional strength is where I have had my fair share of struggles. I try to be strong and reserved, not allowing my emotions to spill over onto others. How many people can really say they know me or know much of anything about me? Not many, because I simply don't share. It's preservation for me. I don't feel comfortable with expressing my feelings to others. Sounds pretty strange coming from someone who has a public blog, I know. Sometimes, especially lately I find that I am thinking even when I don't want to. It's almost like I can't get thoughts, ideas, feelings or notions out of my head because I do not share any of them. Being a private and reserved person offers protection from others, but does little in the way of protecting from self. Will I cry publicly or proclaim my feelings all over the place? Not likely, that just isn't my style. I don't offer up much publicly in the way of substance about my own personal life, because I am not sure who is genuine and who is false. Does that make me strong to keep it all to myself or does that just make me doubtful of others and their intentions?

I am burning myself up inside trying to chase down the answers to these questions. Right now, I run the risk of overflowing with emotion and sentiment, to the point where it will be blunt and raw when it comes out. Is anyone equipped to deal with that kind of openness? I am not sure that I am willing to find out all the answers just yet. To be completely honest, I am not sure I want the love, care and concern of others. It feels intrusive and unnatural for me. I want to have the power and control to chose who I let in my life and who I feel safe with. Until I can find a safe place...Ashes, ashes - we all fall down.

Hey Dumbass!

I have a little saying that goes, 'For being so smart, you sure are a dumbass'. Pretty nice of me, huh? In the spirit of honesty, I will tell you plainly that I don't always care for being nice. I don't go out of my way to be mean and hurtful to anyone, but I damn sure don't pull punches or sugarcoat things for others either. I shouldn't have to be fake, I refuse to as a matter of fact. Courteous and civil are standards, unless I am forced into a position where I feel it is necessary to point out someone else's misgivings.

We have all met one of these smart dumbasses. Someone book smart, a quick learner, obvious intelligence who lacks reasoning or logic completely, or worse a lack of common sense. Isn't it a shame that the meaning of common sense is that it should be common knowledge, not that people commonly act with sense? People that contradict themselves fall into this category as well. See also hypocrite. If your words and your actions do not intersect, you look like a dumbass. How is it possible that someone teaming with intelligence and confidence can act so effin stupid?! That, my dear readers, is someone who does not think things through - a reactionary person whom often is compelled to give knee-jerk responses. We all have those 8lb thinky things in our heads, so why not put them to use once in a while?

I really don't care if you can spit algorithms at me all day every day if you don't know how to effectively communicate and reason. That just makes you an idiot savant. Nothing will make me shut you down faster than acting like a dumbass. I know exactly what buttons to push to get someone to shut up if I need to. That is probably a terrible admission by me, but at this moment, I really don't care. If you are one of those irrational idiots, I get sick of hearing and dealing with your melodramatics and non-sense. Most other people feel the same way too. The only ones willing to listen still, are those who are arming themselves with ammunition or those who like to watch the train wreck. So, go ahead, vent and unburden yourself, with the full knowledge that if you are being a dumbass, it will come back around to you.

Here is the point to all of this - I am pissed off and tired of solving other people's problems for them. If it is something that is obvious and the answer is right there, why not solve it yourself? Laziness is why. It is so much harder to analyze your own situation and do the work to make it better than it is to get someone else to tell you the answer. I find that I don't tell other people my problems very often (it's kind of a rule that I don't). There is a great reason for it too. Do you want to know my secret? Of course you do - nosy jerks. I am aware that I can say what I want, but I am still very cautious because of repercussions. Words, especially anything that is electronically sent is indelible. All it takes is one click of 'send' to leave those words forever set, forever accessible. That means someone can go look back at those words as often as they like and derive whatever meaning they chose to. If I choose to open up to you, I want you to know it is special. If you are smart, show that you are smart enough to know when to shut up and not act. If you are smart, take time to think about things before saying them or asking for them. If you are smart, stop acting like a dumbass.

Up for the Challenge

When is it time for me? That is a question that a lot of us have had to ask. Let me be transparent here - I neglect me in order to make sure others are taken care of. Sounds pretty counter-intuitive, right? Well it is. Knowing is half the battle, so at least I have that going for me. How do I go about correcting it?

Do I feel that it is ok to take time for me and just do what I want? Unequivocally no. For the life of me, I just don't know why that is either. I used to have spin class for an hour every day, walk 5+ miles a day, go tanning, had an ab routine that would force grown men into tears and generally took time for myself. Now I can't even seem to do the smallest thing in order to make me feel better about myself. I hate, HATE the way I look now and I am positively miserable about it. Heaven forbid if a guy or gal should 'hit on me' then I just spend the whole time wondering what is wrong with that person. How did I get to the point where I am stuck back here again?

3 years ago I looked better than I ever had in my life. I put a lot of work into too. It seems like I just don't have the time to commit to myself like that anymore. I really can't stand those parents who make more time for themselves than they do for their kids. Nothing says selfish like a mom who looks great, but whose child looks disheveled and dirty. So how do I find a balance that allows me time to work on myself and still maintain a relationship with my kids and my fiance? Does that mean that exercise is family time? There are a few members of the family that don't need it and are far too young to.

I am not really sure where I am going with this. All I know is that something needs to change soon. A year from now I am going to be married and I sure don't want to be a fat bride. I want to be someone who is confident walking down the aisle, someone that impresses the man I love with my commitment to making sure I am attractive to him. I need to cleanse my body of the negativity I hold on to about myself. I need to forgive myself and allow a better body for me. I need to tell me I am worthy of it - that's the hard part. Exercise is easy, dieting is easy, the mental preparedness is the most difficult of these tasks. Today I am telling myself that I am up for the challenge.

Tattoos, Divas and the Signals You Send

This post has been cultivating for awhile now. I have been noticing signs lately, not just the ones on billboards or bus stops, but ones that we send as people send - appearance, ways we describe ourselves, the company we keep, the way we act publicly, how we treat others. People read as much as they want or derive as little as they want from all of those signs. It is our job to be careful about what messages we send.

Let's start with tattoos. Freedom of expression - blah, blah, blah. No, it's not. I have tattoos, several of them and plan on getting more. I am proud of the artwork on my body and I think it is beautiful. Here's the thing, I didn't get my 'ink' for everybody else to notice. I got it for me. You won't find me wearing clothing specifically to show off my tattoos, standing with my body strategically placed to show them off or defining myself by as a tattooed person. That is like saying you are a pair of pants that you wear. I like my jeans, but I am not my jeans. It is a pretty desperate cry for attention if someone is always pushing their tattoos at you. Is that really the most interesting thing about you, someone else's artwork? Surely there is more than that to offer about yourself. Whether or not any of us with tattoos like it, we are judged by them. Appearance matters. People who are renting to you, selling goods, potential employers and even strangers will not judge you on your full merit if you choose to put your tattoos at the forefront of your appearance.

Divas *eyeroll* Grown women calling themselves divas or naming their business with diva in it? This word was supposed to be a reference to a talented singer. It has turned into a pejorative of broad horizons now. Often it means a woman who is unyielding on her stance on even the smallest of instances, one who belittles others, throws tantrums and fits if she doesn't get her way, selfish, spoiled, dramatic and acts like an overgrown brat - essentially a bitch on wheels. Why on earth would anyone want to refer to themselves as something with such a negative connotation, especially with a business?! That doesn't sound like anyone I would be interested in buying a product or service from. The terms you use to define yourself should be chosen carefully. What could be considered as witty or trendy by one person, may be considered crass and flighty to another.

This whole post is about the signals we send to others. A major part of that is who you align yourself with or the company you keep. You can either be brought up to their level or down to their level. Your trajectory is ultimately your choice. Acquaintances aside, this is about the people you are friends with, those you associate with. The saying is 'birds of a feather flock together'. I didn't want to believe it when I was younger, but the older/wiser me sees the merit in the adage. If you are ashamed of the actions of someone in your group, there is a reason for that - it is not in line with your views, beliefs or morals. Frankly, you aren't going to see me hanging out with a bunch of stanky hippies that believe the 99% is right and that it is ok to waste your time getting high, drunk or f*cked up because 'it broadens your horizons'. Like wise, you won't find me rubbing elbows with some bible-beating right wing extremists that are ready to club the next baby seal they see.

I recently told a friend that I could no longer be a friend to them because I didn't want to be associated with the style of life she lives and the drama that she chooses to keep in it. It didn't feel good at all, kind of hurt like hell. I didn't want to watch her hurt herself anymore and didn't want to be someone identified as 'part of the problem'. Here is the truth about it though, our lives could not be more different. I don't go out and drink, I don't seek out approval from others, I am not out being promiscuous and I don't have a pill addiction. I am not saying that is all she is, but I am saying that there are plenty of people that identify her that way and she has pigeon holed herself there. Negativity sticks to us. It takes an awful lot to overcome what we have put out in our past. Unless there is concerted effort to change it, it will remain. I have done enough defamation to my own character in the past to try to overcome anyone else's. What really made me think about it was my future MIL asking me about a girl that was close to my age and referred to her as 'my friend'. I quipped 'oh, that's not my friend - I just know her name'. I was pretty quick to dismiss someone I thought of as unsavory. That told me right then and there it was high time to disassociate myself with the forms of negativity that I could. I am trying to live up to being positive and changing my life for the better, so don't bring me down.

Mother of All Evils

Mother's Day is just a couple of days away and here I sit in my office with my youngest daughter. For the past two days, she has accompanied me here at work and it has been a sheer joy. I have her at work because she needs a close eye kept on her after a nasty bump on her head that she got at preschool, but she has been a real trooper. It is pretty fortunate that I have a job where I can take time off for any of the four kids when they need me.

Enough of the bragging and on to the real post. My goal is to be the best parent I possibly can. Pretty normal statement huh? Most people would make that same statement, but how many people really act on that? It it easy to say that you put your children first, actually doing it and not putting your own wants in front of that are all together different things. Do I think I always do the right thing? No, I don't and I haven't, because I am human. None of us are infallible. If you say that you haven't ever made a mistake as a parent then you are a flat out liar. If you don't have any regrets regarding your parenting choices then you are are blinded by your own foolish self-righteousness. It is perfectly healthy to have the consciousness to question decisions and to evaluate the situation as a whole, perhaps noting things that were positive and places to improve. That is what growth is all about. If you deny yourself the right to question yourself, you deny yourself the ability to grow as a parent. This isn't to say that we should run around doubting ourselves, because that certainly is counter-productive. It is saying that we should all afford ourselves as parents the ability to critically analyze and improve our judgments.

It's no secret by now that I didn't have a great or even good childhood. My parents divorced when I was 4, which was about the best thing that happened in my early childhood. They weren't happy and what I do remember from that time, they were completely unhappy as a couple and that spilled over into other areas of their lives. Both of my parents were drug addicts. My dad ended up being a convicted felon and is still looking at traveling that route at 63 years old. (some people just don't learn) My mom attempted suicide when I was 3 and spent a good portion of 6 months in a coma and another 6 months going through various surgeries. She ended up with brain injury and I ultimately ended up raising her. I spent time in foster care because neither of my parents could function as parents. I did vow to never put any of my children through those situations. I don't  begrudge them my childhood, I have became a very strong woman.

I live by example, both positive and negative. Being a responsible parent for me includes taking notice of all that goes on around me and being humble enough to ask for advice where I need it. Thank you to all of you who have helped make me into the mom I am. Thank you for your example, thank you for caring about my children and me, thank you for being good parents in your own lives. Thank you for your mistakes and being honest about them so that we can all learn and grow. Happy Mother's Day to you all!

Insanity at It's Finest

There is that notion that everyone has seen 'repeating the same actions and expecting different results is the definition of insanity'. I have to say that I couldn't agree more. Some recent events in my life have shown me some pretty strong examples of people acting absolutely insane.

There was a heavy conversation about honesty and people revealing who they truly are. Although I am not a huge Oprah fan (her being a pagan definitely stepped her up a bit in my opinion though) there was a quote from her show that caught me one day while we were at the laundromat washing the comforters. The quote - when some one reveals themselves to you, believe them the first time. Pretty sage advice. The problem with that is so many people conceal who they are that it is hard to know what they are representing as themselves and what is truly genuine. Deciphering the difference is a daunting and difficult task when people do not chose to be truthful and honest about who they are.

We all want people to see us at our best. Maybe it is a matter of emulating what we would like to be, maybe it is purely deceit for gains. No matter the reason, misrepresentation ultimately will lead to hurt and disappointment. If any of us think that we are perfect, without flaw or blameless then that is nothing more that arrogant ignorance and denial. It isn't that we should air our dirty laundry publicly or drag our emotional baggage around in some fancy LV case that screams, 'Look at what I have went through' but being open with people who you are at your core. It shouldn't be scary to be real, even if you have messed up in your life because those mess ups should lead us to better actions the next time (unless you are one of those insane people)

That leads me to redemption. I truly, truly believe (perhaps foolishly) that we are all capable of amending our wrongs and correcting things in our lives that aren't worth repeating. Everyone should be offered a second chance (or however many it takes) to change, to be a better person. That shouldn't have to come at your own personal expense though. Sometimes people have to move on to a different circumstance to be able to change. Behaviors and emotions can become very much like an addiction if we allow them to. Some people are so 'hooked' on bitterness, anger, pity or other destructive emotions that they need a whole new environment to change. The same goes behaviors - if you are a horrible gossip then you must get out of the circle of friends that allowed you (enabled) or encouraged that behavior. Isn't this the same way an addict has to act?

One more tangent of thought for this, as it was brought up last night. Pointing out someone else's wrong, when you exude similar behavior or actions does not make you better than them. Self-righteous actions or words do not make you righteous. You can't ask someone to try to change if you are in some way encouraging that behavior or other bad behaviors by exhibiting your own. Ex: If you are looking to help someone with a pill addiction, you can't go out drinking with that person. That sets a terrible example. Do not criticize the same behavior that you are doing - that makes you nothing more than a hypocrite. See also insanity.

Being genuine is not the easiest task. Revealing yourself doesn't mean exposing yourself to everyone, rather that you must choose carefully who has earned the right to be trustworthy. Choose your words, responses, company and thoughts carefully - they will have a lasting impact. It is hard to walk the road of redemption, not knowing who is there to help and who is there to kick some dirt in your face, just to blind you long enough to keep you off course. If someone wants to show themselves as something different than you originally saw, take time to examine their motives instead of acting rashly. Please remember, your truth is not always the same as another's and they have every right to explain and amend if they so choose. Be good to each other without being false or insanity will surely ensue.

Volcano

We are all familiar with volcanoes - those opening or ruptures in the earth's crust that send magma, hot ash and gasses spilling out onto the earth's surface. I am not imagining the slow rolling rivers of lava that continuously build an island, more like the violent explosions that expel molten chunks of rock and destructive pyroclastic flow.

Why images of volcanoes? That is what I feel like lately on both a physical and emotional level. Let's be honest here, I am not the most emotional person out there, so for me to be this affected has taken a lot. The physical is a direct result of some bacteria and a ton of stress that just doesn't show itself. (back to not being emotional) After two days of excruciating stomach pain, throwing up copious amounts of blood and some other undesirable side effects that I don't care to reveal here for personal humility - I have come to the conclusion that I need to do some serious releasing. My body is acting like the volcano that I feel like inside.

I have relayed in this blog before that I am frequently a sounding board, voice of reason, confidant and person of understanding for many others in my life. Here is the terrible honesty part - I have enough going on in my life right now that I just can't be the person of support for everyone else. I feel guilty for that and I shouldn't. It feels selfish to take time for myself and not consider everyone else first. (major flaw) I don't ever ask for help from others and it is rare that I even let others in on what's going on in my life. Being protective and careful of myself has made it difficult to open up. I have found myself feeling like I have taken on more than I can handle for other people and have little to often no time to dedicate to myself and the issues in my life.

I am so ready to blow and I don't want to be toxic or destructive to other people in my life. That is the antithesis of what I seek out to do. I am not ready to blow out of anger or frustration (even though some of that crops up from time to time) more like the pressure is just building without an effective way to vent. I am running an entire business by myself, dealing with a family of 6 that has constant demands on my schedule and attention,  working a full-time job, helping my ex-husband get through a program to help himself, all while being a counselor to a lot of people (about 10 outside of my household that lean on/vent to me regularly). I love my family, I love my friends and I am there at a drop of a hat, but a bit of this pressure has to simmer for a bit before I blow. I am doing all I can to complete capacity and it has taken it's toll.

How do I go about telling other people 'no' or that I need a break? I am not used to doing that and I am very hesitant to turn someone away that is wanting to open up to me. I don't want to seem ungrateful for their trust. I just need a little while to recoup my own life, relationships and health. Seeming that I have it all under control and that I am calm and collected has become my double-edged sword. Please don't take it as an insult if I don't reply immediately or if I don't throw my offers of help at you right now. It is simply me time for a little while. Call it a mother's Day present to myself. What mother couldn't use a little extra sanity?

Shamefully Absent

I am thinking of skipping the grueling lectures of personal responsibility for this post (notice I didn't say today, because I might have another post in me before the day is up)

There has been a little something missing from my life lately outside of the writey/thinky thing I do here - creating. I got a bit of a scolding for having absconded from it yesterday. I have made a lot of money doing the creating thing, but that is not my personal motivation for it. The release of expression, care and thought that goes into creating a piece of jewelry, hairpiece or drawing is like my soul bursts all over what I am making. A soulgasm? I have a bit of a Tom Hanks moment. 'Look what I have created!' It's like seeing fire for the first time. Lately my flame has been at a low smolder. Tonight, I am about to throw some kerosene on that mutha!

I needed a bit of inspiration and I think the amazing weather, the walks at the lake, the flowers in bloom have provided all I need. I have a serious love of planting and flowers. Growth and blooms are a wonderful personal reminder of who we are and how we should be. I am growing, but not blooming. That is a shot right to the heart. I want to be beautiful and without doing some creating, all I am being is plain.

I used to call myself a peacock. It was very fitting. I was flamboyant and flashy, readily displaying all of my magnificence.Those stunning birds taught me a lot about making people pay attention to something spectacular. It was a matter of 'fake it til you make it'. It's high time I went back to that.

I quit creating because of a lack of confidence. I quit taking time for me. I love being able to help everyone that comes to me. Being understanding and available are traits about me that I cherish. I have felt guilty for taking time away from what everyone else needs from me to know that it is perfectly acceptable to take time for myself. It's awfully hard for me to follow my own advice on this one. I am always telling people that it is ok to take time for themselves and that it is necessary. Easier said than done. I am just not good at being selfish, guess that's an area to work on. Someone smart told me 'If you aren't centered, it is going to be damn hard for you to center anyone else'.  Time to get back to creation, where I first found my zen, my quiet place in all this madness. OM