Unpretty

Disclaimer: This entry will be personal. Seeing that I don't bare it all here, this may be a bit shocking and uncomfortable for some of you. Read at your own risk.

Let's kick this off with some brutal honesty - I pretty much loathe myself. Is anyone truly surprised by that statement? I am guessing there are a couple of readers who have no idea how deep it runs. It wasn't always that way, once upon a time I thought pretty highly of myself. Life has knocked me down a few pegs as it does to all of us along the way.

Most people who have met me tend to view me as outgoing, fun and witty. Some of that is true and some is just a cover up. Last weekend this came to light in the presence of a group of friends. We were having an 'adult' conversation (everyone was talking about my gianormous boobs to be perfectly honest) when someone said something about how confident I must be. Um...that couldn't be farther from the truth. Before I could stop myself, I blurted out the reality. 'When my clothes come off it's a series of apologies and guilty feelings'. You should have seen the faces there it was simultaneous shock and sadness.

I have learned how to falsify some confidence. If there is a joke to be made, boy am I handy with one. Complimenting others is a good way of feigning security too. If you are saying nice things about other people that must mean you are assured in who you are, right? Wrong! That is one of the best ways to deflect the attention from yourself. I really don't like an audience, but unfortunately people gravitate towards me. (in my head the fat joke is going something like 'I'm so fat I have my own gravitational pull and orbit'). There is also making the obvious more obvious. Diverting attention from parts of our body that are undesirable.

Heels - yep, my weapon of choice. I am already just shy of 6 feet tall, slap on a pair of heels and I am a towering brick house of damn near 6' 4". It's harder to notice the rest of my flaws when you have to crane your neck to look at my um...face. (still cracking jokes) I would rather be the joke for being tall and overly chesty than be the joke for being fat.

There is an important event coming up in my life and I want to actually gain some of what I portray by then. How do I get back to a point where I am happy with myself and feel attractive again? Crash dieting only goes so far and with my illness, frankly it's just stupid and dangerous. Working out? I used to be so good about this one. It almost feels like I don't have enough time or privacy to. (privacy is important - I already have enough shame without everyone seeing my fat rolls jiggle and sway while I sweat buckets) maybe a padded room would provide enough privacy and cushion for me to be able to exercise safely. Trying to be pretty is making me crazy...