Fulfilled my Cup

Someone recently put it out there that they believe I am lacking and unfulfilled in my life because of how I identify myself. Let me put to rest any notion that I am not fulfilled. My identity is based on who and what I am. I commit myself fully to all important aspects of my life, making sure to not spread myself too thin. At this point in my life, I have learned how disruptive it is to my serenity and those who are important to me if I overload myself with too many projects, tasks and goals to achieve any of them to the best of my ability. Overwhelmed is not a word you will hear me use, nor will I use underwhelmed - after all, balance and stability is what I require in my life to be satisfied.

What words do I use to describe or identify myself? Mom, partner, friend, employee, artist are the highlights of my descriptors. Each and every one of those titles make me immensely proud:

Mom - I have three wonderfully unique children of my own and the MC's bright little spark. I am ecstatic to spend time with all of them. They mutually share our joys like gardening, going for walks, cooking, playing games and the occasional movie. At any given moment, it's likely to see any and all of the four clamoring for my attention and hanging on me. It is a blessing to offer these children love and stability, carefully culturing them into amazing people. If the love of the children in your life doesn't pour quite a bit into your fulfillment cup, you are missing out.
Partner - As my readers are aware I have an MC (Male Companion) that is what we call each other for now, MC and FC, but we are partners. Partners to us means sharing. That is all aspects of our lives. Both of us have jobs that bring in similar income and my money goes into the same account as his so we share the expenses and benefits. The housework is shared as equally as possible, inside the house and out in the yard. Most importantly is the thoughts, ideas, conversations, love and spirituality that we share. We are constantly communicating and it makes this partnership flourish!
Friend - I don't have any family in my life, so my friends are the family I choose to have. That makes these connections so much sweeter. There isn't any obligation or pressure here, just simple appreciation and desire to spend time together and enrich each other's lives. I have true friends, I mean the ones that you can tell anything to. The kind that won't sugar coat something and make you think things are all roses when there is trouble. I reciprocate every bit of that. You guys and gals are stellar! I am grateful that we have extended ourselves.
Employee - This one is pretty clear cut. I have a job that pays me money. My boss is a lot of fun and truly appreciates me. It might not be cool to say it, but we are friends. We trade jabs, joke, help each other in our personal lives. My office manager is a rock. She has got you covered and can handle just about anything. She is caring and concerned. We share so much of our lives. I am very fortunate to have a job where we get along, have some understanding without all the back-biting bullshit.
Artist - I am the queen of crafty. The MC's mom and sisters get a chuckle out of it. Creating gives me a sense of release. Whether it's making jewelry, singing, writing, culinary whimsy, drawing or any other of my crafty endeavors - it gives me a chance to feel special and unique.

So I don't have an litany of surface friends (surface friends don't have much substance or quality to them) I don't need that. I don't have any great accolades to my name. My life isn't a whirlwind of excitement, but it is full and busy. I couldn't tell you the first thing about tv shows and could care less who Snooki is or what tattoo show is on now, shows about pregnant teens do nothing for me. I am far too busy watching the seasons change and enjoying time with the family. This life I have is sufficient and gratifying. I am fulfilled and content with what I am and who surrounds me. Contentment is fulfilling to me and I couldn't be more thrilled with the appreciation of everyday events that make this life so sweet.

Unpretty

Disclaimer: This entry will be personal. Seeing that I don't bare it all here, this may be a bit shocking and uncomfortable for some of you. Read at your own risk.

Let's kick this off with some brutal honesty - I pretty much loathe myself. Is anyone truly surprised by that statement? I am guessing there are a couple of readers who have no idea how deep it runs. It wasn't always that way, once upon a time I thought pretty highly of myself. Life has knocked me down a few pegs as it does to all of us along the way.

Most people who have met me tend to view me as outgoing, fun and witty. Some of that is true and some is just a cover up. Last weekend this came to light in the presence of a group of friends. We were having an 'adult' conversation (everyone was talking about my gianormous boobs to be perfectly honest) when someone said something about how confident I must be. Um...that couldn't be farther from the truth. Before I could stop myself, I blurted out the reality. 'When my clothes come off it's a series of apologies and guilty feelings'. You should have seen the faces there it was simultaneous shock and sadness.

I have learned how to falsify some confidence. If there is a joke to be made, boy am I handy with one. Complimenting others is a good way of feigning security too. If you are saying nice things about other people that must mean you are assured in who you are, right? Wrong! That is one of the best ways to deflect the attention from yourself. I really don't like an audience, but unfortunately people gravitate towards me. (in my head the fat joke is going something like 'I'm so fat I have my own gravitational pull and orbit'). There is also making the obvious more obvious. Diverting attention from parts of our body that are undesirable.

Heels - yep, my weapon of choice. I am already just shy of 6 feet tall, slap on a pair of heels and I am a towering brick house of damn near 6' 4". It's harder to notice the rest of my flaws when you have to crane your neck to look at my um...face. (still cracking jokes) I would rather be the joke for being tall and overly chesty than be the joke for being fat.

There is an important event coming up in my life and I want to actually gain some of what I portray by then. How do I get back to a point where I am happy with myself and feel attractive again? Crash dieting only goes so far and with my illness, frankly it's just stupid and dangerous. Working out? I used to be so good about this one. It almost feels like I don't have enough time or privacy to. (privacy is important - I already have enough shame without everyone seeing my fat rolls jiggle and sway while I sweat buckets) maybe a padded room would provide enough privacy and cushion for me to be able to exercise safely. Trying to be pretty is making me crazy...

Moving Ahead

Barring spilling the proverbial beans all over the interwebz, I have made some decisions about how I want my life to go. Normally this is just a thinky/writey thing, but today it will be just a little bit more than that. 

This forgiveness and truth kick that I have been on has sent me on a path to discovery. I began to think about what my truth is and where I need to forgive. There were at lot of things that I let go of this past month or so. In doing so, I found some faith. I found faith in myself and my partner, courage and one more thing that has been lacking for quite some time - confidence. 

There was a significant conversation that happened last night. A spontaneous pre-dinner discussion turned into a life altering moment. The MC could tell something was on my mind (I'm not exactly transparent) and he prodded me to let my guard down and trust him. The thing is, I do trust him and who else should I share my feelings with? He deserved to know what was so important to me, because he is important to me. I blurted it out (uh oh) Oh, that so was not the way I wanted to say it. Did I make any sense when those words came out of my mouth? 

Then I was left with bracing myself for the response. To be fair, I started the conversation with 'don't freak out'. (What a way to make a person not freak out, right?) While I didn't know what to expect, the result was much different than I planned on. We sat there with joyful tears in our eyes and talked about where we go from here. The answer to where we go is that we are moving ahead. Our lives have changed and so have we, so it is time for us to move ahead with our lives. The pace is ours to set, not anyone else's. 

My trek for grace and his trek for change have brought us to a definite confluence in our flow. The past has been washed away and we are forging this future together.

Forgive and Forget?

As tempted as I am to write blatantly about my personal life and lay all of it out there, I am going to refrain a while longer. The philosophy/thinky thing has helped me work through things more than exposing my life possibly to people who know nothing about me or, even worse, to people who want to use that for any ill intention.

What I will say about my life right now is that I have been doing some serious spiritual work. I am in the end of Shaktipat and it has been very beneficial for me. One of the gifts I received was the will, desire and power to forgive. Forgiveness isn't exclusive to others. Forgiveness of self is almost harder than forgiving others. So this has left me examining what forgiveness means and why it is so difficult.

Forgiveness is the act of pardoning harm that has been done. Granting clemency for hurt is a very difficult task. To successfully forgive you must let go of the hurt. Why is it so hard to let go of hurt? This is not going to be a popular answer, but let's face it - I don't give two shits about popularity. Letting go of hurt means releasing someone from blame. Absolution - crazy thought, huh? Hurt becomes familiar and comfortable, something we can depend on. In order to forgive we have to find something to replace the void of the hurt.

Blaming someone feels powerful. You have assigned someone guilt (or so you hope). That is a great way to keep them in check, control them, have them under thumb, brow beat them - however you want to classify it, it's all the same by any name. This also applies to ourselves, so taking responsibility for things that have occurred make us more powerful.

Accountability and responsibility (Yep, I am going to beat this message into the ground. If you find it personally offensive, I strongly suggest you never lay eyes on this page again.) We aren't responsible for someone else's actions, only our own. What we are responsible for is how we react and how we let it affect our person. Forgiveness requires taking responsibility for any part of the offense that you could be personally accountable for. (Ex: Jane Doe punched me, I should not have called her a *%#@* or John Doe treated me badly during our relationship, I should not have allowed him to treat me that way and left.)

Acceptance is part of this harrowing process as well. Accept the situation as it was and garner the lesson from it. What has been done is done. The past cannot be changed. What can be changed is how a similar issue is resolved or reacted to the next time it is encountered.

Forgetting? Absolutely unequivocally not! If you forgive the transgression whether it is someone else or yourself, you must hold on to not repeating any of the process to achieve true forgiveness. Forgive and forget don't coincide. Let go of the hurt and the anger, those only continue to harm. The harm that comes from that bitterness is only to yourself. How can one ever find happiness if they are too occupied with hurt, bitterness, hate, anger or any of the other emotions that one clings to when they choose not to forgive.

I have forgiven myself and bettered myself. I forgive others so that I can move forward in my life and dedicate myself to the present and the future. Peace be with you and may you find forgiveness for yourself and others.

Truth and Perspective

It's time for the daily edition of the writey/thinky thing. The topic today, my faithful five, is truth and the impact that perspective has on truth.

There is truth and then there is reality. The two can coincide or be mutually exclusive. Wait...what? Um...that doesn't make sense. Truth is truth, right? If it is true then that makes it reality, right? Not necessarily. Let me break it down for you folks...perspective changes all of it. Damn it, now this is just getting confusing.

Let's start with perspective because this is what it all revolves around. Life experiences alter our perception. If every time you have tried to pet a dog, you get your hand bitten, that might make you think that dogs are mean. Opinion also contributes to our own personal truth. One person can say that there is nothing better than a medium rare steak, so that is their truth.

Reality, this one is kind of tricky. Webster says it is the state of things as they actually exist, rather than as they appear or might be imagined. Reality is the lack of our perception adding to the truth. This is where 2 + 2 = 4 all day long, every day. Reality has nothing to do with our comprehension (that is that perception/truth thing for those of you that are paying attention).

Truth is a bit more abstract than reality is. Reality can coexist with truth, which can be construed by our life experiences and observations. Reality can also stand alone from truth. It is up to each of us to differentiate among truth, reality, opinion and perception. What is real and true to you may not be actual to someone else.

Vengeance is Not Mine

I am preempting the topic I planned to write on today because vengeance kept cropping up and seemed to be a much more pressing matter for me to do the thinky/writy thing on. Granted this is just a blog that 5 official people read, but it's really more about me processing through topics in my life. As a reminder: None of this is about you - this is about life experiences.

Vengeance is the act of a type of vigilante justice, bringing wrong onto someone who has wronged you. I guess justice is a bit of a misnomer here. Justice would be like saying we should be judging others (which we shouldn't). It is also saying that we have the right to say what someone else deserves (which we don't). That is some pretty dangerous territory and heavy responsibility. I certainly am not bloated enough in my ego to operate under the assumption that I am above anyone else and own the ability to say what should or should not happen to them.

No one likes to suffer, but it is something that we all do in our lives. Suffering is part of the life process and cycle.When we are hurt, we feel like we should not have to suffer alone. The person that did this to me is going to pay! Really?! Really?! Maybe adjust your mindset there a little.Think about what you need to learn from the experience instead of focusing solely on the hurt. Isn't triumph of adversity the best response to hurt or harm? What better way to say 'you can't hurt me, I don't give you that power'.

That's what vengeance is truly about - power. Thinking you have the power enact some form of wrong over someone else because of wrong they have done to you. You have given that other person or people the power over your actions. Letting someone else dictate your demise through reducing yourself in bitterness is unfair to yourself. Rise up and bring yourself to a point where you are truly in power of yourself instead of letting someone get to you.

When we desire to be vengeful we put ourselves in a position of doing wrong. It's true, two wrongs don's make a right. That is a proverb that I stand by. Hurt begat hurt - that means you are doing nothing more than contributing the cycle of hurt, harm and violence. We are above that, right? Stop the hurt and begin the heal. Try wishing some clarity and a better position for those that hurt you. If they are better, they will no longer seek to hurt you or anyone else.

Until next time...give a little love, give a little understanding - it goes a long way.

Intimidation Nation

I have heard over the years more than a few times that I am intimidating. Part of the intimidation factor with me is physically obvious. For any possible readers that have not met me in person, let me explain: I am just shy of 6 feet tall, my shoulders have the approximate size of a linebacker's (farm work will do that to you), my thighs are pure muscle from sports and spin class - let's just say I am not thin and frail. My posture is not shrinking either. Most often you will find me in heels (so I end up being about 6'4) and that makes me stand straight and with my tushy slightly out. From what I have been told, I have a 'strut' as well. The physical part I get - I am a giant.

What seems to be more intimidating than my physical size is my body language and attitude. Eye contact. This is something that a lot of people seem uncomfortable with. There is nothing that says someone is paying attention like eye contact. Why should it cause someone to be nervous that you are actually listening to what they are saying? Maybe it's because a lot of bull shit is coming out of their mouth, maybe it's because they are unsure about the person's reaction who they are talking to...Who knows? This shouldn't be a sign of intimidation, it should be a sign of respect.

Then there is the overall demeanor. Rest assured that I will be courteous enough to be direct with you. Sugar-coating, BSing and beating around the bush simply aren't practices that I engage in. Those are all ways of telling someone that you don't respect them enough to give them honesty and truth. That doesn't mean that I am allowed to be crass or offensive in order to convey my thoughts or emotions. It means telling someone your truth plain and simple. It is up to the receiver what to do with that truth.

Logic. Oh....this one is a doozie for most people. I use logic - like a really lot. Logic can't explain everything, because let's be honest some people just don't know how to employ the use of this at all. I am not overly emotional, it's just not in my make-up. I choose that. I choose not to get bent out of shape and worked up so much that I can't think straight. I choose not to be ruled by emotion, rather I rule my own emotions. Once you let logic go and act on emotion alone, you are getting yourself into a great area of risk. There is value in emotion, that is not up for debate here. Logic is what I base decisions off of, because that is what makes sense. A result derived from information - novel idea huh?

So this leads me to a few questions for thought before I end this bloggity-blog for the day...Should size intimidate someone else? Not really. Unless you intend on starting or provoking violence, this shouldn't even be a concern. Why is lying to someone less scary than the truth? The answer to this is that most people do not want to deal with it. It is much easier for someone to give us a fluff piece answer than it is to be accountable, responsible and deal with the situation at hand. Great...so you have some warm fuzzies, but that mess is going to come crashing down like a ton of bricks when someone else finally forces you into reality. Why is logic so frightening and frustrating? People don't take time to think and analyze before acting. Spontaneity is great when you want a road trip or picnic, but it is no way to run your life.

Don't be afraid to say what you think. Being confident shouldn't be intimidating. If you have an issue with this, then you need to reassess what it is that you are fearful of. Is your argument or statement strong enough, or is it just emotional blubbering BS? Do you lack the faith in yourself to make the right decision? Are you unsure of the other person/people's reaction? Don't be...that is theirs to deal with (mind your own business, remember)

So warm fuzzy lovey hugs and stuff...

Every Little Thing

There is a saying out there that it is the little things that count. I couldn't agree more.

The thoughts for this post happened last night while laying in bed with the MC. We were in bed talking and I found myself admiring him. *sigh* The way his hair was messy, how the right side of his upper lip pulls up more when he smiles, the sniff he has from allergies, the 'crows feet' that highlight his gorgeous kaleidoscope eyes. Seriously, this man has eyes that are brown with flecks of green and turquoise with a brilliant gold in the center. *swoons* Suffice it to say, I am so taken with this man. I am utterly smitten and couldn't imagine loving him more. So the goofy dances, the messy morning hair, the quirk that he has about laying down in bed then immediately getting up to crack his back before laying back down, kissing me at the most inopportune moments...all of those little things add up to the man I am in love with.

It comes down to appreciation. I love all those things about him because I appreciate him. There are things we find in the people we love that no one else will see or know, nor would we really want them to. Those appreciations are like our secret language with the one we love. That is what makes it special.

The most important part about the little things and the appreciation is that we express it. Tell others the good you see in them, reaffirm your feelings. They might not always see what you see, but that is not the important part. They have to hear what you see and repeatedly. That shy smile that they give and the way they roll their eyes might be worth it. If there are things that you love about someone, tell them, even if it sounds stupid saying something like, "The way your nose wrinkles when you smile is the cutest thing I have ever seen"...that might be exactly what they need to hear.

We want to know that our partner is paying attention to us. What better way to show someone that love and attention than by pointing out the details that you find endearing. It might take a little bravery to admit that you are the creepy stalker type and hope they don't trip over their own feet running for the door when you tell them. Face the fear that it will be received in the spirit that it is given. It's ok to let people know that you care and that you are paying attention. You might even find out a thing or two about yourself that you didn't know and that the person you love finds *gag* adorable.

The New Colossus

Lady Liberty, what a woman! She may not have the best fashion sense, but her beauty lies well within the hearts of many who have hope. To me she is an example of what acceptance should be.


Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame With conquering limbs astride from land to land; Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame, "Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!" cries she With silent lips. "Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore, Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!" 


There are many interpretations of this sonnet, but just like anything else what matters most is your own interpretation. To me, this poem that graces our Eastern gateway says simply, 'come as you are'. That is hope and inspiration at it's best. Be who you are and I will accept you. You have a chance at new life and redemption should you so chose. Just take a moment to read those words and see if you see what I do. 


Not only do the broken have an opportunity to be repaired, but to be made new. For every person out there that is viewed as rubbish, there is someone with a glimmer of hope and uplifting hands to bring them to their feet. How many of us have needed a person to be there for us, to give us encouragement, to give us support that is judgement free? My guess is most all of us have needed that. 


How many of us are the ones casting out and deeming others as broken? How many of us are being that warming light that is open to others? Unfortunately, the later is a much smaller percentage. It's easy to pass blame, to decide that someone is unworthy. What is much more difficult is to open our arms and let someone lean on us, weep and then tell them it will be ok if they want to make it ok. This isn't to say that coddling is warranted or that they aren't responsible for their situation. It's saying if someone is committed to the work and effort that they deserve to have people to believe in them. 


Improving yourself is a process that is painful, scary and at times lonely. Just as the immigrants made that frightening trek to new lands for a promise of a new and better life, we seek the promise of renewal in our own. It can be a job change, a new relationship, a child, a move or an overhaul on our viewpoint that spurns this new life. It is almost mandatory that success is determinate on someone being that guidepost, that steady and supportive person that not only provokes hope, but encourages it. 


Her is my precatory ideal: That we all act more like Lady Liberty. Accept those who are brave enough to come to us just as they are. Give rise to betterment. Hold up your own light to all others that pass so that they may have that inspiration and hope for themselves.

Check Your Ego at the Door

Walk right in, sit right down and shut the f* up. Wait, that's not how the song goes...oh well. This isn't about a song anyway. Today's piece for thought is about ego and assumption.

Ego is one's sense of self. Often it is used as a pejorative term. That is precisely the problem with ego, it has been designated negatively. Conjunctively, those who suffer from ego are considered to be those inject themselves into situations that do not apply to them. Those who truly posses a strong sense of self don't have much of a risk of foolishly correlating their own issues with someone else's.

Maybe your lost, maybe you haven't figured out how you fit in. Maybe you have an issue with being self-centered and have some sort of sick obsession with thinking you are the utmost importance and concern to everyone else. Perhaps you just can't wrap your minuscule addled brain around a concept like EVERYTHING ISN'T ABOUT YOU! Whoa...surely that couldn't be possible! Oh, is this ringing a bell at all? Yep, you have a serious case of attention whore.

What kind of remedy is there for such an illness? Is there a pill one can take for that? Um, no...put down the pharmaceuticals and pick yourself up. Will crying help? That makes people look more, right? No, the only real solution is to get over yourself. Try venturing outside of your own thoughts...staying inside your own mind will only make it worse.

We have all heard the adage about assumptions. If you continually assume everything is about you then you are taking a big risk. You are eventually going to assume the wrong thing is about you. What then? You make some ludacris accusations and make an ass out of yourself. What if the situation simply isn't about you at all and you have managed to spin yourself into a dimension of pissed off for nothing? You just managed to give yourself problems you didn't even have. Way to go...your bloated sense of your importance just made your life worse.

So check your ego, calm the fuck down and stop taking wild swings in the air. Those wild swings are a lot of wasted energy.

What's the Cost?

Forgive me some as I am definitely not done learning this lesson about frustration. I have accelerated straight into pissed off. I think that's regression, right? Getting this out will not make me any less angry, but it will help me think through it a bit. Any of my 5 readers are most welcome to give me some perspective with the thought process.

I held on to a fortune for quite some time that I got in a cookie. The words on it seemed very poignant and I would like to share them with you (all 5 of you). 'The cost of something is what you are willing to give up for it'. Just focus on that thought for a moment and then go back to reading, skimming, glancing or whatever looky thing you do at these poorly put together words. Look at the thought, now look at my blog, back to the thought, back to my blog...I'm riding a horse. Sorry a little levity and bad bodywash commercial later, we are back to being serious. Pretty astute concept.

When the latest half-cobbled together lie was surfaced (ok, I went looking and I am a really, really, really good detective) I experienced a few emotions: sadness, anger, guilt, shock, sorrow just to highlight some. I am not mad that I was lied to, that part was just stupid. What really made me furious was the other people that were lied to for the gain of a good time and how badly it is going to hurt them/has already hurt them. Good times have their place and there are plenty of ways to find them. That makes it all a matter of perspective as to what a good time is.

This isn't some high and mighty soapbox where I am going claim innocence on all levels. We have all made bad choices, we have all been selfish. The difference here is that it has been plainly pointed out the hurt that is being dealt out for nothing more than the sake of being completely drunk. Which brings me back to the fortune cookie. That thought, that idea that there is a person(s) affecting many other people in my life over booze and popularity is sickening. How is it that a buzz and surface popularity is worth more than self-respect or the love of those that care about you?! How are good times better than a sense of security? Booze and tattoos have more value than memories with your children?

Maybe I have grown old, maybe it's actual maturity (poop and fart jokes not to be held into consideration for the maturity) but I am finding the things that are not tangible have the greatest worth. So I am not going out spending money as fast as I earn it (yeah, that job thing that makes security is kind of popular with me) I find quiet walks with the MC far more enjoyable than nights out with friends getting drunk. Taking pictures of sunsets is better than having my pic taken being seen somewhere. Talking with a friend helping each other figure out life is far more rewarding than posting on facebook where we are going to watch a band or troll for singles. The most priceless and valuable of all, the time we spend with our kids doing the simple things like feeding ducks or playing in the yard. There somethings that shouldn't be bartered for or traded. I have chosen my price point. What is your cost?

The Sweetest Thing

This entry is hopefully a little easier on the brain than most. It won't involve a whole lot of the thinky thing. It's simply a story of one of the nicest things that has ever been said to me. 

This past weekend we took a trip to the hometown for a somber time. It was the anniversary of the passing of the MC's Old Man. We gathered at his mom's house for a lunch and rounding everyone up to visit the grave site. Lunch wasn't anything fancy or outlandish - not that any of us need that. It was some average people having an average lunch, but to me it couldn't have felt more extraordinary.

What stood out was the way his family treats me. They don't treat me like an outsider (I feared that for a while) They accept me as one of them for all intensive purposes. When we got there, food in hand, everyone else was already there. His sister hobbled over to me and asked if I was willing to help out his mom by making some meals for her while she recovers from surgery. (I have become the family cook, is anyone surprised?!) Chad and I told her that we had already planned on it and would be happy to do so. Then the talk came to the scheduling to help out during recovery, all of us are pitching in to help and it looks like we all have it covered. Splendid!

His daughter was entertaining his nephew and his mom with tea time (that was a hoot!) while the rest of us talked in the kitchen. We talked about some concerns we had and the way events are unfolding and taking place. Yes, I am being vague on purpose because the majority of the conversation just isn't for public knowledge. I have said it before and I will again, not everything should be aired out for everyone. Once you put something down it is out there permanently. There was a part of the discussion that went into what kind of woman I am. Don't get me wrong, I was pretty sure his family approved of me, but this one sent me. His youngest sister said, "You are a good mom, you love his daughter and you are a better housewife than I am. (to the MC) You are doing for her kids, what Dad did for you. Those kids are getting to see what a good, loving relationship is and that's important". 

We continued with lunch and then off to the graveside for a quiet remembrance. It was private and small, which made it that much more endearing. There weren't a lot of tears, no hysterics or anything dramatic. There was even some laughter and smiles that were passed. (the dog that AR became smitten with coming home with us was a good joke) That quiet, strong, simple and loving demeanor that his family showed in that moment made what was said all the the sweeter. A family that is hurting, missing someone, reached out to someone to include them. That, my dear readers, is truly remarkable. 

I am not the overly emotional type. Crying isn't my stand-by. I am not ashamed to tell you that I shed a few tears over this one. I know the loss this family has had runs deep for them. They have become a bit of an inspiration. They have shown grace, perseverance, gratitude, love and respect in a time when many others would fall apart. To be accepted, welcomed and depended on by this family that I admire has warmed my soul in ways I can't express. 

It's easy to fool the masses. You can propagate whatever you would like. You can't pull the proverbial wool over the eyes of those that love you. Those are the people who are going to give the most scrutiny. Those are the people who expect you to be accountable and better yourself. His family sees the love that we have for each other and for our children. There are few opinions in this world that I truly care about, but those are the ones that count.

Frustrated Incorportated

Oh frustration! This is a recent theme. There is a lot going on in my life that affects me and those I love, but have little ability to do anything about. That, my um 5 readers, is the source of frustration for me.

I have a control issue (we like bluntness, right?) there is a reason that Sunday is dedicated to bleaching the bathroom. I like to try and make what is around me as good as possible - that includes people. Every now and then, ok like ALL the time, I want to interfere. The problem is that if someone interferes in their lesson, then they don't get the the chance to change it for themselves. There is so little we do have the opportunity to change. We can be examples, influencers, prophets, what have you...all of those can be positive or negative. Ultimately, we can't make someone do something. (I feel a responsibility seminar coming on)

What if, this is a big what if, your decision isn't what's best for them? What if they resent you for doubting them? Even worse...What if you just gave them doubt in themselves? Things aren't always going to turn out as we plan or how we want. That doesn't give any of us the right to think that the only possible way is our own. Have a little faith in your fellow man or woman...person? Crap, I am terrible at Political Correctness.

What can we do? We can give our opinion or our view, state our feelings or concerns, share our thoughts. Despite all of that they might not see it our way. It is a matter of getting to a point where you value the other persons ideas as much as you expect them to value yours. You can give information, but you can't make them think. Here in lies frustration. The pulling your hair out, ready to scream kind. What can't you just see it my way?! Um...we aren't the same people and have had different experiences, dumbass.

Go ahead and climb out of that pigeon hole of microcosm thinking, accept that people are different and you have your own life to live. Stop being so ego-centric and wrap your cortex around the concept that YOUR way isn't always right or the only right. What to do with the frustration once I get to that point? Let it be...this is going to be a tough one

Prepare to be Calm!!!

That just looks utterly ridiculous seeing it in word form. Some of these entries simply come out of a thinky thing. This time it is spurned by what I see as a panic phenomenon. That word, panic, makes me roll my eyes. Panic, really?! Usually, this is a gross exaggerational response to sensationalize an event that is unpleasant or unexpected. The overuse of words like panic diminish their meaning. Oh, you panicked because they were out of your Chai Latte? What a crisis! You panicked because events you set in place through your own actions (this is my mandatory blog hint about responsibility for one's action and the repercussions) didn't go as you would have liked?! *shock* Get over yourself!

Here is a little tip I picked up along the way...we are born into chaos. From the moment you are conceived, you are ever changing. Nothing. NOTHING remains the same. How do I put this bluntly? (which is my preferred method) Accept it, deal with it and move on to the next issue. We are so busy trying to keep things in order the way we want them that we forget that change happens every single day. If you are not paying attention, you are in for a big change - monstrous, looming, oh f* what have I gotten myself into?! kind of change.

Deal with it - yeah, that's the hard part. Sometimes it's not fun, exciting or even tolerable. If we don't accept change, then we stagnate. Resisting a change feels so futile, like getting nowhere. Just a purgatory of sorrow. Yuck! Don't get me wrong, I did a stint there. I learned my lesson though. The more freak outs and panic attacks I had over stupid shit that I COULD handle, the more I let other people make my choices. If I wanted to make the choices, I had to deal with it. That was giving my power over to other people to make my decisions.

Not every situation warrants panic. In fact, most don't. Be authentic without being dramatic. Own who you are, if you don't like that, change it. Accept that change is going to happen, but you can hold yourself with dignity.

And Breathe...

There is something gratifying about being able to put down your thoughts publicly and release them unto the masses. It's almost like a bit of a powerful exhale. All the stuff that has burning inside you like a fiery rampage, building until you put it out there...and *wait for it* INSTANT REGRET Did I really just say exactly what I was thinking and hit send?! Damn, can't take it back now *deep sigh*

That is a serious case of open electronic mouth and insert electronic foot. We have these moments of brief stupidity in which we think people will be sympathetic and understanding, only to be seemingly haunted they are merely laughing behind your back. *guilty* I have what's known as a severe case of brutal honesty, a lack of a filter if you will. Combine that with some fierce stubbornness and viola! Bluntness has struck again...

Oh *face palm* this is how my thought process works. I swear as I type this I almost face palmed myself. You know why? Because people are afraid to say things face to face. We hide behind these typed words instead of trusting that we can handle being our complete self in front of others. Confidence, we lack the confidence in ourselves to remove our gossamer covers. That is why we can live our lives out publicly easier than we can privately. At least if they are laughing at you, they can claim to be laughing with you.

The next time I get the feeling to press "post" I am going to do my best just to exhale and not to air my dirty laundry.