Fulfilled my Cup

Someone recently put it out there that they believe I am lacking and unfulfilled in my life because of how I identify myself. Let me put to rest any notion that I am not fulfilled. My identity is based on who and what I am. I commit myself fully to all important aspects of my life, making sure to not spread myself too thin. At this point in my life, I have learned how disruptive it is to my serenity and those who are important to me if I overload myself with too many projects, tasks and goals to achieve any of them to the best of my ability. Overwhelmed is not a word you will hear me use, nor will I use underwhelmed - after all, balance and stability is what I require in my life to be satisfied.

What words do I use to describe or identify myself? Mom, partner, friend, employee, artist are the highlights of my descriptors. Each and every one of those titles make me immensely proud:

Mom - I have three wonderfully unique children of my own and the MC's bright little spark. I am ecstatic to spend time with all of them. They mutually share our joys like gardening, going for walks, cooking, playing games and the occasional movie. At any given moment, it's likely to see any and all of the four clamoring for my attention and hanging on me. It is a blessing to offer these children love and stability, carefully culturing them into amazing people. If the love of the children in your life doesn't pour quite a bit into your fulfillment cup, you are missing out.
Partner - As my readers are aware I have an MC (Male Companion) that is what we call each other for now, MC and FC, but we are partners. Partners to us means sharing. That is all aspects of our lives. Both of us have jobs that bring in similar income and my money goes into the same account as his so we share the expenses and benefits. The housework is shared as equally as possible, inside the house and out in the yard. Most importantly is the thoughts, ideas, conversations, love and spirituality that we share. We are constantly communicating and it makes this partnership flourish!
Friend - I don't have any family in my life, so my friends are the family I choose to have. That makes these connections so much sweeter. There isn't any obligation or pressure here, just simple appreciation and desire to spend time together and enrich each other's lives. I have true friends, I mean the ones that you can tell anything to. The kind that won't sugar coat something and make you think things are all roses when there is trouble. I reciprocate every bit of that. You guys and gals are stellar! I am grateful that we have extended ourselves.
Employee - This one is pretty clear cut. I have a job that pays me money. My boss is a lot of fun and truly appreciates me. It might not be cool to say it, but we are friends. We trade jabs, joke, help each other in our personal lives. My office manager is a rock. She has got you covered and can handle just about anything. She is caring and concerned. We share so much of our lives. I am very fortunate to have a job where we get along, have some understanding without all the back-biting bullshit.
Artist - I am the queen of crafty. The MC's mom and sisters get a chuckle out of it. Creating gives me a sense of release. Whether it's making jewelry, singing, writing, culinary whimsy, drawing or any other of my crafty endeavors - it gives me a chance to feel special and unique.

So I don't have an litany of surface friends (surface friends don't have much substance or quality to them) I don't need that. I don't have any great accolades to my name. My life isn't a whirlwind of excitement, but it is full and busy. I couldn't tell you the first thing about tv shows and could care less who Snooki is or what tattoo show is on now, shows about pregnant teens do nothing for me. I am far too busy watching the seasons change and enjoying time with the family. This life I have is sufficient and gratifying. I am fulfilled and content with what I am and who surrounds me. Contentment is fulfilling to me and I couldn't be more thrilled with the appreciation of everyday events that make this life so sweet.

Unpretty

Disclaimer: This entry will be personal. Seeing that I don't bare it all here, this may be a bit shocking and uncomfortable for some of you. Read at your own risk.

Let's kick this off with some brutal honesty - I pretty much loathe myself. Is anyone truly surprised by that statement? I am guessing there are a couple of readers who have no idea how deep it runs. It wasn't always that way, once upon a time I thought pretty highly of myself. Life has knocked me down a few pegs as it does to all of us along the way.

Most people who have met me tend to view me as outgoing, fun and witty. Some of that is true and some is just a cover up. Last weekend this came to light in the presence of a group of friends. We were having an 'adult' conversation (everyone was talking about my gianormous boobs to be perfectly honest) when someone said something about how confident I must be. Um...that couldn't be farther from the truth. Before I could stop myself, I blurted out the reality. 'When my clothes come off it's a series of apologies and guilty feelings'. You should have seen the faces there it was simultaneous shock and sadness.

I have learned how to falsify some confidence. If there is a joke to be made, boy am I handy with one. Complimenting others is a good way of feigning security too. If you are saying nice things about other people that must mean you are assured in who you are, right? Wrong! That is one of the best ways to deflect the attention from yourself. I really don't like an audience, but unfortunately people gravitate towards me. (in my head the fat joke is going something like 'I'm so fat I have my own gravitational pull and orbit'). There is also making the obvious more obvious. Diverting attention from parts of our body that are undesirable.

Heels - yep, my weapon of choice. I am already just shy of 6 feet tall, slap on a pair of heels and I am a towering brick house of damn near 6' 4". It's harder to notice the rest of my flaws when you have to crane your neck to look at my um...face. (still cracking jokes) I would rather be the joke for being tall and overly chesty than be the joke for being fat.

There is an important event coming up in my life and I want to actually gain some of what I portray by then. How do I get back to a point where I am happy with myself and feel attractive again? Crash dieting only goes so far and with my illness, frankly it's just stupid and dangerous. Working out? I used to be so good about this one. It almost feels like I don't have enough time or privacy to. (privacy is important - I already have enough shame without everyone seeing my fat rolls jiggle and sway while I sweat buckets) maybe a padded room would provide enough privacy and cushion for me to be able to exercise safely. Trying to be pretty is making me crazy...

Moving Ahead

Barring spilling the proverbial beans all over the interwebz, I have made some decisions about how I want my life to go. Normally this is just a thinky/writey thing, but today it will be just a little bit more than that. 

This forgiveness and truth kick that I have been on has sent me on a path to discovery. I began to think about what my truth is and where I need to forgive. There were at lot of things that I let go of this past month or so. In doing so, I found some faith. I found faith in myself and my partner, courage and one more thing that has been lacking for quite some time - confidence. 

There was a significant conversation that happened last night. A spontaneous pre-dinner discussion turned into a life altering moment. The MC could tell something was on my mind (I'm not exactly transparent) and he prodded me to let my guard down and trust him. The thing is, I do trust him and who else should I share my feelings with? He deserved to know what was so important to me, because he is important to me. I blurted it out (uh oh) Oh, that so was not the way I wanted to say it. Did I make any sense when those words came out of my mouth? 

Then I was left with bracing myself for the response. To be fair, I started the conversation with 'don't freak out'. (What a way to make a person not freak out, right?) While I didn't know what to expect, the result was much different than I planned on. We sat there with joyful tears in our eyes and talked about where we go from here. The answer to where we go is that we are moving ahead. Our lives have changed and so have we, so it is time for us to move ahead with our lives. The pace is ours to set, not anyone else's. 

My trek for grace and his trek for change have brought us to a definite confluence in our flow. The past has been washed away and we are forging this future together.

Forgive and Forget?

As tempted as I am to write blatantly about my personal life and lay all of it out there, I am going to refrain a while longer. The philosophy/thinky thing has helped me work through things more than exposing my life possibly to people who know nothing about me or, even worse, to people who want to use that for any ill intention.

What I will say about my life right now is that I have been doing some serious spiritual work. I am in the end of Shaktipat and it has been very beneficial for me. One of the gifts I received was the will, desire and power to forgive. Forgiveness isn't exclusive to others. Forgiveness of self is almost harder than forgiving others. So this has left me examining what forgiveness means and why it is so difficult.

Forgiveness is the act of pardoning harm that has been done. Granting clemency for hurt is a very difficult task. To successfully forgive you must let go of the hurt. Why is it so hard to let go of hurt? This is not going to be a popular answer, but let's face it - I don't give two shits about popularity. Letting go of hurt means releasing someone from blame. Absolution - crazy thought, huh? Hurt becomes familiar and comfortable, something we can depend on. In order to forgive we have to find something to replace the void of the hurt.

Blaming someone feels powerful. You have assigned someone guilt (or so you hope). That is a great way to keep them in check, control them, have them under thumb, brow beat them - however you want to classify it, it's all the same by any name. This also applies to ourselves, so taking responsibility for things that have occurred make us more powerful.

Accountability and responsibility (Yep, I am going to beat this message into the ground. If you find it personally offensive, I strongly suggest you never lay eyes on this page again.) We aren't responsible for someone else's actions, only our own. What we are responsible for is how we react and how we let it affect our person. Forgiveness requires taking responsibility for any part of the offense that you could be personally accountable for. (Ex: Jane Doe punched me, I should not have called her a *%#@* or John Doe treated me badly during our relationship, I should not have allowed him to treat me that way and left.)

Acceptance is part of this harrowing process as well. Accept the situation as it was and garner the lesson from it. What has been done is done. The past cannot be changed. What can be changed is how a similar issue is resolved or reacted to the next time it is encountered.

Forgetting? Absolutely unequivocally not! If you forgive the transgression whether it is someone else or yourself, you must hold on to not repeating any of the process to achieve true forgiveness. Forgive and forget don't coincide. Let go of the hurt and the anger, those only continue to harm. The harm that comes from that bitterness is only to yourself. How can one ever find happiness if they are too occupied with hurt, bitterness, hate, anger or any of the other emotions that one clings to when they choose not to forgive.

I have forgiven myself and bettered myself. I forgive others so that I can move forward in my life and dedicate myself to the present and the future. Peace be with you and may you find forgiveness for yourself and others.

Truth and Perspective

It's time for the daily edition of the writey/thinky thing. The topic today, my faithful five, is truth and the impact that perspective has on truth.

There is truth and then there is reality. The two can coincide or be mutually exclusive. Wait...what? Um...that doesn't make sense. Truth is truth, right? If it is true then that makes it reality, right? Not necessarily. Let me break it down for you folks...perspective changes all of it. Damn it, now this is just getting confusing.

Let's start with perspective because this is what it all revolves around. Life experiences alter our perception. If every time you have tried to pet a dog, you get your hand bitten, that might make you think that dogs are mean. Opinion also contributes to our own personal truth. One person can say that there is nothing better than a medium rare steak, so that is their truth.

Reality, this one is kind of tricky. Webster says it is the state of things as they actually exist, rather than as they appear or might be imagined. Reality is the lack of our perception adding to the truth. This is where 2 + 2 = 4 all day long, every day. Reality has nothing to do with our comprehension (that is that perception/truth thing for those of you that are paying attention).

Truth is a bit more abstract than reality is. Reality can coexist with truth, which can be construed by our life experiences and observations. Reality can also stand alone from truth. It is up to each of us to differentiate among truth, reality, opinion and perception. What is real and true to you may not be actual to someone else.

Vengeance is Not Mine

I am preempting the topic I planned to write on today because vengeance kept cropping up and seemed to be a much more pressing matter for me to do the thinky/writy thing on. Granted this is just a blog that 5 official people read, but it's really more about me processing through topics in my life. As a reminder: None of this is about you - this is about life experiences.

Vengeance is the act of a type of vigilante justice, bringing wrong onto someone who has wronged you. I guess justice is a bit of a misnomer here. Justice would be like saying we should be judging others (which we shouldn't). It is also saying that we have the right to say what someone else deserves (which we don't). That is some pretty dangerous territory and heavy responsibility. I certainly am not bloated enough in my ego to operate under the assumption that I am above anyone else and own the ability to say what should or should not happen to them.

No one likes to suffer, but it is something that we all do in our lives. Suffering is part of the life process and cycle.When we are hurt, we feel like we should not have to suffer alone. The person that did this to me is going to pay! Really?! Really?! Maybe adjust your mindset there a little.Think about what you need to learn from the experience instead of focusing solely on the hurt. Isn't triumph of adversity the best response to hurt or harm? What better way to say 'you can't hurt me, I don't give you that power'.

That's what vengeance is truly about - power. Thinking you have the power enact some form of wrong over someone else because of wrong they have done to you. You have given that other person or people the power over your actions. Letting someone else dictate your demise through reducing yourself in bitterness is unfair to yourself. Rise up and bring yourself to a point where you are truly in power of yourself instead of letting someone get to you.

When we desire to be vengeful we put ourselves in a position of doing wrong. It's true, two wrongs don's make a right. That is a proverb that I stand by. Hurt begat hurt - that means you are doing nothing more than contributing the cycle of hurt, harm and violence. We are above that, right? Stop the hurt and begin the heal. Try wishing some clarity and a better position for those that hurt you. If they are better, they will no longer seek to hurt you or anyone else.

Until next time...give a little love, give a little understanding - it goes a long way.

Intimidation Nation

I have heard over the years more than a few times that I am intimidating. Part of the intimidation factor with me is physically obvious. For any possible readers that have not met me in person, let me explain: I am just shy of 6 feet tall, my shoulders have the approximate size of a linebacker's (farm work will do that to you), my thighs are pure muscle from sports and spin class - let's just say I am not thin and frail. My posture is not shrinking either. Most often you will find me in heels (so I end up being about 6'4) and that makes me stand straight and with my tushy slightly out. From what I have been told, I have a 'strut' as well. The physical part I get - I am a giant.

What seems to be more intimidating than my physical size is my body language and attitude. Eye contact. This is something that a lot of people seem uncomfortable with. There is nothing that says someone is paying attention like eye contact. Why should it cause someone to be nervous that you are actually listening to what they are saying? Maybe it's because a lot of bull shit is coming out of their mouth, maybe it's because they are unsure about the person's reaction who they are talking to...Who knows? This shouldn't be a sign of intimidation, it should be a sign of respect.

Then there is the overall demeanor. Rest assured that I will be courteous enough to be direct with you. Sugar-coating, BSing and beating around the bush simply aren't practices that I engage in. Those are all ways of telling someone that you don't respect them enough to give them honesty and truth. That doesn't mean that I am allowed to be crass or offensive in order to convey my thoughts or emotions. It means telling someone your truth plain and simple. It is up to the receiver what to do with that truth.

Logic. Oh....this one is a doozie for most people. I use logic - like a really lot. Logic can't explain everything, because let's be honest some people just don't know how to employ the use of this at all. I am not overly emotional, it's just not in my make-up. I choose that. I choose not to get bent out of shape and worked up so much that I can't think straight. I choose not to be ruled by emotion, rather I rule my own emotions. Once you let logic go and act on emotion alone, you are getting yourself into a great area of risk. There is value in emotion, that is not up for debate here. Logic is what I base decisions off of, because that is what makes sense. A result derived from information - novel idea huh?

So this leads me to a few questions for thought before I end this bloggity-blog for the day...Should size intimidate someone else? Not really. Unless you intend on starting or provoking violence, this shouldn't even be a concern. Why is lying to someone less scary than the truth? The answer to this is that most people do not want to deal with it. It is much easier for someone to give us a fluff piece answer than it is to be accountable, responsible and deal with the situation at hand. Great...so you have some warm fuzzies, but that mess is going to come crashing down like a ton of bricks when someone else finally forces you into reality. Why is logic so frightening and frustrating? People don't take time to think and analyze before acting. Spontaneity is great when you want a road trip or picnic, but it is no way to run your life.

Don't be afraid to say what you think. Being confident shouldn't be intimidating. If you have an issue with this, then you need to reassess what it is that you are fearful of. Is your argument or statement strong enough, or is it just emotional blubbering BS? Do you lack the faith in yourself to make the right decision? Are you unsure of the other person/people's reaction? Don't be...that is theirs to deal with (mind your own business, remember)

So warm fuzzy lovey hugs and stuff...