I have been noticing how rapidly I am aging. It started to become evident about 9 months ago. Less than 2 years ago I was regularly guessed for a teenager or a woman in her young 20s. I was 31 at the time, now at barely 33 I look as though I am pushing 40. It is the same face in the mirror, haunting familiar. My playful youth now starkly absent has lead way to a gray and washed out woman. My perky cheeks and smiling jubilant face is now demure and fading. Worry lines around my mouth have crept up where there was once only smile lines in the corners of my eyes (or maybe squinting from looking too long into the sun). Last night I cried myself to sleep after apologizing for my rapid decline - this wasn't who he thought he would be with. I mourned the woman I was.
It hasn't been an easy life, but once upon a time it was as concerning. My worries and cares have begun to show their mark heavily on my face. My eyes that were once a steel blue are now gray, almost lacking life and color. I am not in the public eye nor do I have excess money, so it's not like I can do anything surgically to turn back the hands of time. I wonder how much of this is my worry and how much is worry that has been carried for others. Have I taken the age for others? Have I swapped my youth to help someone else? The answer is, regrettably yes.
It wasn't just helping one someone else, but most that I come in contact with. You see, there is this overwhelming drive in me to change people's lives for the better. I have become a catalyst for others because that is what I choose. What I didn't know when I accepted this was that it meant more than just helping them, it meant sharing the hurt and suffering if not bearing much of it myself. Seeing things as they are isn't all it is cracked up to be. Overriding logic and a strong sense of consequence don't always make one wise. I was naive, oblivious to what the repercussion to my body and spirit would be. By making others feel better and grow, I have diminished myself.
I sought the warmth and glow of the sun. That radiant light began to show through me and I emanated the same warmth towards others. All that energy was spent healing and growing, feeding the souls of others while I carelessly neglected my own. Then last year, in the month of May, my sun burned out. I am not going to tell any of you why or how, that is my personal loss. There were attempts to rekindle the love that I had with the sun, but they didn't last. Now it is just as dark as it ever was. Since that time, all my youth has disappeared and I shine no longer. Gone is the beauty and whimsy I once had, now it is serious tones and steadfast commitments.
It would be lovely to be free again, like that child of the sun...dancing without hesitance. Alas, these shackles of a sense responsibility to serve will not let me shake them. I can't commit to myself anymore, the time to have fleeting moments of fancy have passed...back to trudging through the mines of life, looking for haul that is worth the work.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Sunday Bathroom Bleach Down
Possibly the strangest title yet. It is about a little ritual that I have. Every Sunday the bathrooms get cleaned and bleached completely. To most who know me, this isn't some sort of earth-shattering revalation. I like things clean, picked up and organized. It's probably pretty maddening to the juniors of the house, but someday they will get it.
I don't believe in the traditional sense of God, so this isn't some cleanness is next to Godliness crap. Lacking further is a Messiah Complex. It is a matter of belief for me though. Cleanliness feels less stressful and encumbering to me than some mess that grimily awaits my begrudging return. It means not having to worry about where something is. Whatever I am looking for is exactly where it is supposed to be. There is also the issue of instant gratification, something immediate that can be marked on the daily list of accomplishments. We all need to feel like we are worthwhile and contributing. For me, it heightens my personal sense of value.
Now for the real reason I embark on this journey of wading into the daily drones of cleaning and housework - control. Yep, I am a human and I like to control. I accept and embrace the theory that we are born into chaos and that is our natural state. That being said, I am utterly defiant by nature, so I want to control somewhere in my life. I do not want to control people, they have free will for a reason. It is so sad and disheartening when someones free will has been broken. They need to travel their own path, not me barking orders at every turn. Not only do I not want to control people, I know I cannot. What is the sense in setting yourself up for failure?
In a small sense, cleaning fulfills a need for me. I need to feel successful. The more that is upset in my life, the more I will delve deep into cleaning. I can scrub something until it is sparkling and perfect. It gives me something to concentrate on when I don't want to think about what else is going on in my life. So the next time I am really excited about everything I got done on my list, instead of thinking I am bragging or beating yourself up about what you didn't do...wonder or ask what is going on. By the way, the toilets look amazing tonight!
I don't believe in the traditional sense of God, so this isn't some cleanness is next to Godliness crap. Lacking further is a Messiah Complex. It is a matter of belief for me though. Cleanliness feels less stressful and encumbering to me than some mess that grimily awaits my begrudging return. It means not having to worry about where something is. Whatever I am looking for is exactly where it is supposed to be. There is also the issue of instant gratification, something immediate that can be marked on the daily list of accomplishments. We all need to feel like we are worthwhile and contributing. For me, it heightens my personal sense of value.
Now for the real reason I embark on this journey of wading into the daily drones of cleaning and housework - control. Yep, I am a human and I like to control. I accept and embrace the theory that we are born into chaos and that is our natural state. That being said, I am utterly defiant by nature, so I want to control somewhere in my life. I do not want to control people, they have free will for a reason. It is so sad and disheartening when someones free will has been broken. They need to travel their own path, not me barking orders at every turn. Not only do I not want to control people, I know I cannot. What is the sense in setting yourself up for failure?
In a small sense, cleaning fulfills a need for me. I need to feel successful. The more that is upset in my life, the more I will delve deep into cleaning. I can scrub something until it is sparkling and perfect. It gives me something to concentrate on when I don't want to think about what else is going on in my life. So the next time I am really excited about everything I got done on my list, instead of thinking I am bragging or beating yourself up about what you didn't do...wonder or ask what is going on. By the way, the toilets look amazing tonight!
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Love and the Karmic Whipping Boy
Love is not the end all be all that it is made out to be. It is supposed to be this ideal and perfect enveloping emotion that solves everything....um, no. It's not like I can speak for all us on what love is, but I can tell you for certain what it is made up of according to me.
Love means doing what we need to for those we care about. This is often an unpleasant and draining task. There is no joy in watching someone else suffer. Anyone who does cannot claim love. There are far too many times that one finds folly in someone else's falter. This isn't to say that we should pick others up when they make a mistake, but it damn sure doesn't mean you laugh when they fall, or worse...kick them while they are down. This brings me to the stream of conscious thinking that I unbearably write with. It brings me to "tough love". That is the act of letting someone learn from their mistake instead of fixing it for them. Intervening is easy for most of us, after all, we are terribly nosy creatures. It is much harder to sit back and let them have claim to the lesson learned.
Barring spilling my entire personal life on the interwebz, I will provide some detail to inspiration for tonight's entry - tonight I got confirmation that something I feared has come to be. My ex walked a trecherous path that seemed pretty alluring - fast and easy money. That fast and easy money spent just as quickly as it came, now he is damn near destitute and in financial trouble in a big way. Two of my children live with the MC and me full time. This was at the request of my ex (he has a particular fondness of the youngest and an obvious showing of favoritism). We are now looking at her joining us relatively soon as well because of his financial faux paus. There was something in his voice tonight that frightened me for him and for my children, desperation. He is prideful and wants to pass the illusion that he is doing not only fine, but well. For him to ask us for help was scary. Enter tough love. We will take my youngest and give her the same love and opportunity that we have given the others. What we won't do is financially bail him out. He is going to have to learn his lesson to be a better man for himself and most of all for his children.
On to the second part of the post: a term I have coined as "Karmic Whipping Boy". This to me means that you pay penance for someone else to learn the lesson from them and for them. There is nothing like watching someone else suffer for what you have done to cut as deep as possible. For quite some time, I have been a Karmic Whipping Boy. Others do damage and I pay the price, almost akin to a martyr, but not self-inflicted. It comes down to a problem that I have with choosing people in my life that are still selfish and immature in their emotional and spiritual development. I like to be the catalyst for development and growth, so being the teacher means that you learn the lesson with the student. I can handle it, that is why i have this role. My spiritual fortitude is enough to carry me through it. Now it is a matter of
making sure that my children do not fall into the same situation. The goal is to make them prepared enough to be self-assured and thoughtful.
The tie-in...at this time, my children are the KWB for my ex. He is worried about their suffering for his lousy decisions (not to say that he isn't worried about his own). Back to tough love, we are going to take care of them and shelter them from as much of this as possible. He is not going to get the awful benefit of a KWB to learn his lessons. It is time to take the lashes for his own behavior. For all the lies he told about me, he is being questioned and judged. He made me out to seem unfit, so how could he ask me to care for them. He made me out to be a party-hardy fool that lived fast and free. It isn't me who is seen in the bars regulary, I am too busy going to sleep at a decent hour and caring for my household. He claimed I was out blowing my money and not taking care of my children, but it wasn't me shucking out thousands of dollars on booze and tattoos. It took some time, but the truth is finally coming out. That whip swings both directions and it is lashing back. I don't want him to suffer unduly, I don't take relief or joy in his suffering. I want the same thing that anybody who loves their children wants - two stable and loving parents doing their best to raise their children. Hopefully he stops cracking the karmic whip soon and starts his healing.
Love means doing what we need to for those we care about. This is often an unpleasant and draining task. There is no joy in watching someone else suffer. Anyone who does cannot claim love. There are far too many times that one finds folly in someone else's falter. This isn't to say that we should pick others up when they make a mistake, but it damn sure doesn't mean you laugh when they fall, or worse...kick them while they are down. This brings me to the stream of conscious thinking that I unbearably write with. It brings me to "tough love". That is the act of letting someone learn from their mistake instead of fixing it for them. Intervening is easy for most of us, after all, we are terribly nosy creatures. It is much harder to sit back and let them have claim to the lesson learned.
Barring spilling my entire personal life on the interwebz, I will provide some detail to inspiration for tonight's entry - tonight I got confirmation that something I feared has come to be. My ex walked a trecherous path that seemed pretty alluring - fast and easy money. That fast and easy money spent just as quickly as it came, now he is damn near destitute and in financial trouble in a big way. Two of my children live with the MC and me full time. This was at the request of my ex (he has a particular fondness of the youngest and an obvious showing of favoritism). We are now looking at her joining us relatively soon as well because of his financial faux paus. There was something in his voice tonight that frightened me for him and for my children, desperation. He is prideful and wants to pass the illusion that he is doing not only fine, but well. For him to ask us for help was scary. Enter tough love. We will take my youngest and give her the same love and opportunity that we have given the others. What we won't do is financially bail him out. He is going to have to learn his lesson to be a better man for himself and most of all for his children.
On to the second part of the post: a term I have coined as "Karmic Whipping Boy". This to me means that you pay penance for someone else to learn the lesson from them and for them. There is nothing like watching someone else suffer for what you have done to cut as deep as possible. For quite some time, I have been a Karmic Whipping Boy. Others do damage and I pay the price, almost akin to a martyr, but not self-inflicted. It comes down to a problem that I have with choosing people in my life that are still selfish and immature in their emotional and spiritual development. I like to be the catalyst for development and growth, so being the teacher means that you learn the lesson with the student. I can handle it, that is why i have this role. My spiritual fortitude is enough to carry me through it. Now it is a matter of
making sure that my children do not fall into the same situation. The goal is to make them prepared enough to be self-assured and thoughtful.
The tie-in...at this time, my children are the KWB for my ex. He is worried about their suffering for his lousy decisions (not to say that he isn't worried about his own). Back to tough love, we are going to take care of them and shelter them from as much of this as possible. He is not going to get the awful benefit of a KWB to learn his lessons. It is time to take the lashes for his own behavior. For all the lies he told about me, he is being questioned and judged. He made me out to seem unfit, so how could he ask me to care for them. He made me out to be a party-hardy fool that lived fast and free. It isn't me who is seen in the bars regulary, I am too busy going to sleep at a decent hour and caring for my household. He claimed I was out blowing my money and not taking care of my children, but it wasn't me shucking out thousands of dollars on booze and tattoos. It took some time, but the truth is finally coming out. That whip swings both directions and it is lashing back. I don't want him to suffer unduly, I don't take relief or joy in his suffering. I want the same thing that anybody who loves their children wants - two stable and loving parents doing their best to raise their children. Hopefully he stops cracking the karmic whip soon and starts his healing.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
A Year in the Making
Dates hold a lot of significance to me. There isn't a time when I am oblivious to the date or what meaning it might hold. I am 4 days away from a date that made me question everything. Here I sit, still questioning.
Have you ever had a message, conversation or contact so earth-shattering that the day will forever be ingrained into your memory? Yeah, I have had a few. This one made me question myself and someone I care for quite deeply. There are questions out there that the answer to will never be good enough to satisfy the hurt of the actions. The lack of answer hurts just as deeply. To this day, despite any action to the contrary, I am going to be suspect of deceit and lies, indifference to others emotions and selfish carelessness.
I am not the trusting kind, there has just been far too much hurt in my life to open myself up. This blog, ranty thing I have here is the closest anyone will get to that. My emotions are not on mute, but my ability to share them most certainly is. It seems like every time I get brave enough to open up and share fears, emotions or needs that it gets trampled on by the person I entrust them to. Is it folly and stupidity to keep trying? Just a couple of weeks ago told me that I might as well give up. I haven't given up yet, but I don't foresee ever sharing like that again. It's too dangerous to be vulnerable, too foolish to be naive. You can only hear the same excuses and lies for so long before you lose all faith.
There is one thing I must say I am incredibly grateful for about this particular anniversary, a friend showing her true colors. Time and time again she has patiently waited for me to feel comfortable enough to release, even if that doesn't seem like it is anywhere on the horizon. We have fought, yelled, screamed and cried at each other. None of that has ever diminished my love for her though. She has taught me some valuable lessons - hopefully I have reciprocated. The lesson is that we don't always like the people we love. We can't force others to come to us, it is so much sweeter and genuine when they ask of us. Love is no still stream, but a raging torrential tidal wave. You can either drown and be sucked down by it or hang ten.
So now what do I do? It's not a question I expect anyone to answer, least of all myself. I am logical to a fault and will take a long time to make any decisions, especially those that affect others. Something has got to give. A beacon of light isn't going to come trumpeting down from the heavens and illuminate the correct path, but a flicker of hope might be enough to get me through.
Have you ever had a message, conversation or contact so earth-shattering that the day will forever be ingrained into your memory? Yeah, I have had a few. This one made me question myself and someone I care for quite deeply. There are questions out there that the answer to will never be good enough to satisfy the hurt of the actions. The lack of answer hurts just as deeply. To this day, despite any action to the contrary, I am going to be suspect of deceit and lies, indifference to others emotions and selfish carelessness.
I am not the trusting kind, there has just been far too much hurt in my life to open myself up. This blog, ranty thing I have here is the closest anyone will get to that. My emotions are not on mute, but my ability to share them most certainly is. It seems like every time I get brave enough to open up and share fears, emotions or needs that it gets trampled on by the person I entrust them to. Is it folly and stupidity to keep trying? Just a couple of weeks ago told me that I might as well give up. I haven't given up yet, but I don't foresee ever sharing like that again. It's too dangerous to be vulnerable, too foolish to be naive. You can only hear the same excuses and lies for so long before you lose all faith.
There is one thing I must say I am incredibly grateful for about this particular anniversary, a friend showing her true colors. Time and time again she has patiently waited for me to feel comfortable enough to release, even if that doesn't seem like it is anywhere on the horizon. We have fought, yelled, screamed and cried at each other. None of that has ever diminished my love for her though. She has taught me some valuable lessons - hopefully I have reciprocated. The lesson is that we don't always like the people we love. We can't force others to come to us, it is so much sweeter and genuine when they ask of us. Love is no still stream, but a raging torrential tidal wave. You can either drown and be sucked down by it or hang ten.
So now what do I do? It's not a question I expect anyone to answer, least of all myself. I am logical to a fault and will take a long time to make any decisions, especially those that affect others. Something has got to give. A beacon of light isn't going to come trumpeting down from the heavens and illuminate the correct path, but a flicker of hope might be enough to get me through.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Trends vs Small Town Values
Let me preface this entry by saying it was sparked by conversation and someone else's posting. I am infuriated...not just riled up, slightly miffed or a bit bothered. I am downright pissed off. Warning: This blog may contain expletives!
The MC and I had a conversation today about our small town values. This does not mean that we are some backwoods, racist, uneducated and uncultured hicks - quite the contrary. Being raised mostly in a small town taught me the quality of a locally owned family business. People who are invested in the community not only financially but socially and spiritually as well provides more care and appreciation for their customer. The willingness to work and desire to do well shows. Nothing can be more kind or cruel than word of mouth. I, for one, will spread the word to help any such business that strives to serve and serve well. I am also going to warn people to steer clear of what might be shady or undesirable. That isn't a quality that makes me unique because who doesn't share their experience?
Here is where the ire comes in...A friend of mine and the owner of a local small business made a post today relaying some arrogant remarks from a local food critic. Des Moines was slandered against for it's lack of culinary culture. It was clearly a bias of a French food fanatic, she had an agenda. There is no debate that there is a lack of French cuisine in the city. That does not mean that the metro is bereft of culinary culture, just not the one she chooses. In a city of approximately a half million people there are multitudes of Mexican, Japanese, Italian, Thai and Chinese dining establishments. There are a few Equadorian, Cajun, Indian, Soul Food, German, British and Bosnian restaurants represented as well. There is even a large support of (this makes me internally cringe) Vegan food.uHust because we all don't tout the greatness of Julia Child (who was at best a drunken, unimaginative recipe following fame seeker) does not mean that we are knuckle dragging Neanderthals in search of the next cheese burger.
Anyone who knows a bit about me has learned that I am unapologetically a devout Foodie. The MC has a whole album of pictures dedicated to my culinary whimsy. Just for bragging rights and example - tomorrow's menu is beef brisket, sweet potato salad (par boiled sweet potatoes, plain yogurt sweetened with honey and fresh ginger, apple cider vinegar and Braeburn apples) stuffed mushrooms (shredded chicken, bacon, mushrooms, panko bread crumbs, a buttered herb sauce and topped with muenster cheese) broccoli with cheese and bacon sauce and the ever offensive to Frenchie - peanut butter cup cheesecake bars drizzles with caramel and chocolate chips.I am from Hickville, USA yet I have managed to escape this void of bland and boring food. It was personally offensive to me to be treated like I was a witless dolt that would crM anything into my mouth and let it spill from gluttonous lips because that was all that was available. I am willing to venture and explore what tantalizing tastes await on the horizon.
This is where trends vs. Small town values comes into play. While we have a wide variety here in Des Moines, there is the terrible problem of brand recognizing, trendy social climbers who are more about where or what they are seen with than the quality. These wine swilling, coffee bar slumming trolls see merit in a name or spot because it is the popular or trendy thing to do. Go ahead and tAlk about your Chai Latte, because hey, that makes you pretty cool to everyone else. Maybe all your friends will sing the praises of how much they need a coffee from Starbucks or what a great place Trader Joes is. I am going to throw the bullshit flag all over that - multiple infractions, half the distance to the goal, you get a red card, two minutes in the penalty box (insert sports analogy for bad behavior here).
We are all guilty of eating a some craptastic chain every once in a while, but that shouldn't be our rule of thumb. Live a little and support others trying to make a good, honest living - buy local foods when you can, not just shop at some place claiming to be organic. Quit buying bulk of frozen foods and make something fresh. Don't waste! This is the most atrocious of all. Talking about how much you spent on something or where you got has little to no meaning if you don't use it. It's about time we support the smaller, family owned restaurants and other businesses. Not because it's the cool thing to do, but because those are the people who really give a shit (pardon my Fench and pun completely intended).
The MC and I had a conversation today about our small town values. This does not mean that we are some backwoods, racist, uneducated and uncultured hicks - quite the contrary. Being raised mostly in a small town taught me the quality of a locally owned family business. People who are invested in the community not only financially but socially and spiritually as well provides more care and appreciation for their customer. The willingness to work and desire to do well shows. Nothing can be more kind or cruel than word of mouth. I, for one, will spread the word to help any such business that strives to serve and serve well. I am also going to warn people to steer clear of what might be shady or undesirable. That isn't a quality that makes me unique because who doesn't share their experience?
Here is where the ire comes in...A friend of mine and the owner of a local small business made a post today relaying some arrogant remarks from a local food critic. Des Moines was slandered against for it's lack of culinary culture. It was clearly a bias of a French food fanatic, she had an agenda. There is no debate that there is a lack of French cuisine in the city. That does not mean that the metro is bereft of culinary culture, just not the one she chooses. In a city of approximately a half million people there are multitudes of Mexican, Japanese, Italian, Thai and Chinese dining establishments. There are a few Equadorian, Cajun, Indian, Soul Food, German, British and Bosnian restaurants represented as well. There is even a large support of (this makes me internally cringe) Vegan food.uHust because we all don't tout the greatness of Julia Child (who was at best a drunken, unimaginative recipe following fame seeker) does not mean that we are knuckle dragging Neanderthals in search of the next cheese burger.
Anyone who knows a bit about me has learned that I am unapologetically a devout Foodie. The MC has a whole album of pictures dedicated to my culinary whimsy. Just for bragging rights and example - tomorrow's menu is beef brisket, sweet potato salad (par boiled sweet potatoes, plain yogurt sweetened with honey and fresh ginger, apple cider vinegar and Braeburn apples) stuffed mushrooms (shredded chicken, bacon, mushrooms, panko bread crumbs, a buttered herb sauce and topped with muenster cheese) broccoli with cheese and bacon sauce and the ever offensive to Frenchie - peanut butter cup cheesecake bars drizzles with caramel and chocolate chips.I am from Hickville, USA yet I have managed to escape this void of bland and boring food. It was personally offensive to me to be treated like I was a witless dolt that would crM anything into my mouth and let it spill from gluttonous lips because that was all that was available. I am willing to venture and explore what tantalizing tastes await on the horizon.
This is where trends vs. Small town values comes into play. While we have a wide variety here in Des Moines, there is the terrible problem of brand recognizing, trendy social climbers who are more about where or what they are seen with than the quality. These wine swilling, coffee bar slumming trolls see merit in a name or spot because it is the popular or trendy thing to do. Go ahead and tAlk about your Chai Latte, because hey, that makes you pretty cool to everyone else. Maybe all your friends will sing the praises of how much they need a coffee from Starbucks or what a great place Trader Joes is. I am going to throw the bullshit flag all over that - multiple infractions, half the distance to the goal, you get a red card, two minutes in the penalty box (insert sports analogy for bad behavior here).
We are all guilty of eating a some craptastic chain every once in a while, but that shouldn't be our rule of thumb. Live a little and support others trying to make a good, honest living - buy local foods when you can, not just shop at some place claiming to be organic. Quit buying bulk of frozen foods and make something fresh. Don't waste! This is the most atrocious of all. Talking about how much you spent on something or where you got has little to no meaning if you don't use it. It's about time we support the smaller, family owned restaurants and other businesses. Not because it's the cool thing to do, but because those are the people who really give a shit (pardon my Fench and pun completely intended).
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Somewhere in the Middle of Nowhere
There is the feeling of limbo that has been hanging on for what seems like forever. (pretty eloquent to start out with, bet you will be impressed with this post *sarcasm*) There are people who believe in purgatory, a period of time where your soul is neither alive or moved on - that is where I am right now. Purgatory is meant to be a sort of punishment and a time of reflection for things that need atoned for, a time to rest and gather oneself before finally deciding. This is precisely where I am - somewhere in the middle of nowhere.
I went through a time of heavy emotional upheaval and spiritual growth, most of that has come to rest now. There isn't much growth, just a whole lot of stagnation. I know part of the problem is this analytical and logical standpoint that I approach everything from, beginning with myself. Now that I am set on some goals and focused, growth is shrinking.
Atoning - yeah, there is plenty that I have done in my life that I am not proud of. Which of us really has nothing to regret? The moniker of redemption here is trying to change and not repeat those mistakes...in essence - learning. That leaves a gleaming beacon of hope for me. Maybe there is something new coming on my horizon to learn and expand.
A soul that isn't alive and isn't dead, just existing. I have to admit this existing and droning, doing the same things everyday isn't very fulfilling. I want spark, crave it even. It is time to find something new to pour myself into. There are plenty of things that make me happy, but little time to commit to any of them enough to create a spark enough to set my soul ablaze with passion.
For now, it's purgatory, waiting to pass into the next life. What life is it going to be?
I went through a time of heavy emotional upheaval and spiritual growth, most of that has come to rest now. There isn't much growth, just a whole lot of stagnation. I know part of the problem is this analytical and logical standpoint that I approach everything from, beginning with myself. Now that I am set on some goals and focused, growth is shrinking.
Atoning - yeah, there is plenty that I have done in my life that I am not proud of. Which of us really has nothing to regret? The moniker of redemption here is trying to change and not repeat those mistakes...in essence - learning. That leaves a gleaming beacon of hope for me. Maybe there is something new coming on my horizon to learn and expand.
A soul that isn't alive and isn't dead, just existing. I have to admit this existing and droning, doing the same things everyday isn't very fulfilling. I want spark, crave it even. It is time to find something new to pour myself into. There are plenty of things that make me happy, but little time to commit to any of them enough to create a spark enough to set my soul ablaze with passion.
For now, it's purgatory, waiting to pass into the next life. What life is it going to be?
Monday, January 9, 2012
A Day That Will Live in Infamy
It's no secret by now that I HATE the time around my birthday. It is unarguably the worst time of the year for me. We are all set to this idea that birthdays are some magical time of year when we get what we want and everything is perfect and right with the world. WRONG! That is the grown up version of a princess complex. Believe me, there are no such delusions of grandeur here. I am one of those fiercely independent types and I out and out refuse to lean on people or ask them for anything. I don't want pity, handouts, sympathy or anything else along those lines. Those are qualities that I find downright repulsive and pathetic. All that said, I am one of the most appreciative people I know. There is nothing like a small show support to warm me and garner a heartfelt "thank you".
Over the years, I have either separated myself from family or they have chosen to part with me. I am, after all, the white sheep of the family. I choose not to engage in hate, blatant drug abuse, alcoholism and shunning due to differing opinions. What I do choose is to love from a safe distance. Yes, my family has heaped a lot of hurt on me, but that does not reduce the love that I have. It does increase the sadness and despair. Who doesn't want their family to be loving and accepting? It is perfectly natural to protect yourself as well. Protection is taking precedent over direct interaction. So here I am on my birthday, with no family to even so much as care. You know what? I choose not to let it attack at me the way it has in other years. No tears, minimal sadness, chin up cheer up and push through it kind of attitude today.
That line about a heartfelt thank you...that is for those that choose me. There are people in my life who truly mean that they are happy I was born on this day and I am exactly who I am. This is a lesson that is difficult to learn, but such a wonderful reward when we realize how incredible we must be for people to choose us that don't have to. We do not choose our family, we are born into it. We DO choose our friends and they choose us. That is so valuable that I can't even begin to explain the welling up it causes. A few months ago, I sat with a friend who was having family trouble and she was distraught that they do not make time for her. She felt unwanted and misunderstood. That couldn't have been further from the truth. I placed my hand on her heart and told her that I choose her to be my friend, family and in my life. I value her so much and all the others who I choose and choose me.
Today I would like to thank all the amazing people that choose to be in my life and that choose to let me be in theirs. My MC has made great strides and changes this past year to show me that he chooses me and his family who treats me as one of their own. My friends have supported me emotionally and helped me through my changes as well. My children who have openly chosen me to be their primary source of love and care. This is a true and heartfelt thank you and showing of gratitude. I love you all so much!
Over the years, I have either separated myself from family or they have chosen to part with me. I am, after all, the white sheep of the family. I choose not to engage in hate, blatant drug abuse, alcoholism and shunning due to differing opinions. What I do choose is to love from a safe distance. Yes, my family has heaped a lot of hurt on me, but that does not reduce the love that I have. It does increase the sadness and despair. Who doesn't want their family to be loving and accepting? It is perfectly natural to protect yourself as well. Protection is taking precedent over direct interaction. So here I am on my birthday, with no family to even so much as care. You know what? I choose not to let it attack at me the way it has in other years. No tears, minimal sadness, chin up cheer up and push through it kind of attitude today.
That line about a heartfelt thank you...that is for those that choose me. There are people in my life who truly mean that they are happy I was born on this day and I am exactly who I am. This is a lesson that is difficult to learn, but such a wonderful reward when we realize how incredible we must be for people to choose us that don't have to. We do not choose our family, we are born into it. We DO choose our friends and they choose us. That is so valuable that I can't even begin to explain the welling up it causes. A few months ago, I sat with a friend who was having family trouble and she was distraught that they do not make time for her. She felt unwanted and misunderstood. That couldn't have been further from the truth. I placed my hand on her heart and told her that I choose her to be my friend, family and in my life. I value her so much and all the others who I choose and choose me.
Today I would like to thank all the amazing people that choose to be in my life and that choose to let me be in theirs. My MC has made great strides and changes this past year to show me that he chooses me and his family who treats me as one of their own. My friends have supported me emotionally and helped me through my changes as well. My children who have openly chosen me to be their primary source of love and care. This is a true and heartfelt thank you and showing of gratitude. I love you all so much!
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