Squinting at the Sun

I have been noticing how rapidly I am aging. It started to become evident about 9 months ago. Less than 2 years ago I was regularly guessed for a teenager or a woman in her young 20s. I was 31 at the time, now at barely 33 I look as though I am pushing 40. It is the same face in the mirror, haunting familiar. My playful youth now starkly absent has lead way to a gray and washed out woman. My perky cheeks and smiling jubilant face is now demure and fading. Worry lines around my mouth have crept up where there was once only smile lines in the corners of my eyes (or maybe squinting from looking too long into the sun). Last night I cried myself to sleep after apologizing for my rapid decline - this wasn't who he thought he would be with. I mourned the woman I was.

It hasn't been an easy life, but once upon a time it was as concerning. My worries and cares have begun to show their mark heavily on my face. My eyes that were once a steel blue are now gray, almost lacking life and color. I am not in the public eye nor do I  have excess money, so it's not like I can do anything surgically to turn back the hands of time. I wonder how much of this is my worry and how much is worry that has been carried for others. Have I taken the age for others? Have I swapped my youth to help someone else? The answer is, regrettably yes.

It wasn't just helping one someone else, but most that I come in contact with. You see, there is this overwhelming drive in me to change people's lives for the better. I have become a catalyst for others because that is what I choose. What I didn't know when I accepted this was that it meant more than just helping them, it meant sharing the hurt and suffering if not bearing much of it myself. Seeing things as they are isn't all it is cracked up to be. Overriding logic and a strong sense of consequence don't always make one wise. I was naive, oblivious to what the repercussion to my body and spirit would be. By making others feel better and grow, I have diminished myself.

I sought the warmth and glow of the sun. That radiant light began to show through me and I emanated the same warmth towards others. All that energy was spent healing and growing, feeding the souls of others while I carelessly neglected my own. Then last year, in the month of May, my sun burned out. I am not going to tell any of you why or how, that is my personal loss. There were attempts to rekindle the love that I had with the sun, but they didn't last. Now it is just as dark as it ever was. Since that time, all my youth has disappeared and I shine no longer. Gone is the beauty and whimsy I once had, now it is serious tones and steadfast commitments.

It would be lovely to be free again, like that child of the sun...dancing without hesitance. Alas, these shackles of a sense responsibility to serve will not let me shake them. I can't commit to myself anymore, the time to have fleeting moments of fancy have passed...back to trudging through the mines of life, looking for haul that is worth the work.