A Year in the Making

Dates hold a lot of significance to me. There isn't a time when I am oblivious to the date or what meaning it might hold. I am 4 days away from a date that made me question everything. Here I sit, still questioning.

Have you ever had a message, conversation or contact so earth-shattering that the day will forever be ingrained into your memory? Yeah, I have had a few. This one made me question myself and someone I care for quite deeply. There are questions out there that the answer to will never be good enough to satisfy the hurt of the actions. The lack of answer hurts just as deeply. To this day, despite any action to the contrary, I am going to be suspect of deceit and lies, indifference to others emotions and selfish carelessness.

I am not the trusting kind, there has just been far too much hurt in my life to open myself up. This blog, ranty thing I have here is the closest anyone will get to that. My emotions are not on mute, but my ability to share them most certainly is. It seems like every time I get brave enough to open up and share fears, emotions or needs that it gets trampled on by the person I entrust them to. Is it folly and stupidity to keep trying? Just a couple of weeks ago told me that I might as well give up. I haven't given up yet, but I don't foresee ever sharing like that again. It's too dangerous to be vulnerable, too foolish to be naive. You can only hear the same excuses and lies for so long before you lose all faith.

There is one thing I must say I am incredibly grateful for about this particular anniversary, a friend showing her true colors. Time and time again she has patiently waited for me to feel comfortable enough to release, even if that doesn't seem like it is anywhere on the horizon. We have fought, yelled, screamed and cried at each other. None of that has ever diminished my love for her though. She has taught me some valuable lessons - hopefully I have reciprocated. The lesson is that we don't always like the people we love. We can't force others to come to us, it is so much sweeter and genuine when they ask of us. Love is no still stream, but a raging torrential tidal wave. You can either drown and be sucked down by it or hang ten.

So now what do I do? It's not a question I expect anyone to answer, least of all myself. I am logical to a fault and will take a long time to make any decisions, especially those that affect others. Something has got to give. A beacon of light isn't going to come trumpeting down from the heavens and illuminate the correct path, but a flicker of hope might be enough to get me through.