I Was Here First - The Art of Parental Pouting

Divorce isn't a strange subject for me. I am a child of divorced parents, I am divorced and my fiance is also divorced. That doesn't make me an expert by means, but it does give me some significant insight into the subject matter.

Children of divorce have a whole set of different rules to live by. One of the saddest ones that I have seen and personally experienced is this bullshit notion that a parent thinks they have to 'out-do' the other parent. If the child or children of that relationship loves one parent more than the other, they win right? That is an awful way to ultimately treat a person like a possession, something that we should NEVER do to a child. Unfortunately it is all too common.

I don't feel like I need a play by play of what happens with my children and their father when they are there every other weekend. Do they tell me what they did? Yes, they want to share. Do I ask them or pry to 'spy' on my ex? Absolutely not. That is a practice that my ex and I both do make the children feel more comfortable. Nothing is worse than putting a child in the middle. In Iowa, it is mandated that a class is taken on this before a divorce is final (not that most parents really gather anything from it if it doesn't suit their needs) It doesn't concern me if he takes them places or buys them things. I have even went as far as giving him money and ideas for thing for the kids that they have said they would like to do. All I truly care about is that they have a good time and feel loved no matter what parent they are with. Pretty odd concept, huh?

The game I refuse to play is the 'out buying' the other parent. Frankly, I would win because of the money I make and the way we handle our finances, that certainly doesn't mean that we go into a bidding war over the kids. My fiance and I do put our children's wants and needs before our own, but we certainly don't buy their affections. That often results in going to movies that they would like to see before we get a chance to see a movie that we would like to see. They get clothes and shoes before we do. Family entertainment takes precedent over 'adult' entertainment. We would really like to take a trip to Omaha and do things as a couple, but that will just have to wait a while because we have kids 7 days a week. We could have easily spent money on going out, but we bought a pool for the kids instead. When we do buy things for them it is things that will last, not some fleeting fancy of a toy that will quickly be forgotten and tossed into the pile. I also do NOT give into a case of the gimmes. Just because we are at the store, doesn't mean they get something.

There are better ways to make children feel loved than by slinging gifts at them. We do things together as a family - walks, gardening, playing games, feeding the geese, playing at the park, cooking and chores and they LOVE it! They don't get ignored for the tv, the computer or to socialize with someone else. They are included and encouraged. We don't shove our own personal agendas and ideas down their gullets, we let them decide what it is they like and take interest in. It is tough to let them do their own thing, but they feel so much more confident when they do. They will feel open with a parent if they don't feel like they have to 'perform' or put on an act.

This sick obsession that parents have with getting to do something 'first' or more with their child or children is pretty repulsive emotionally. That is a sign that a parent is living vicariously through a child. That is a role reversal, the parent is acting more like a child. Being secure in your place with your child is important to them. That offers them the freedom of happiness no matter where they are and who they are with. Don't act like a selfish child about your child, act like a grown up that just wants them to be happy. You will be giving them the best gift that money can't buy - love.

This weekend we have plans (we always have plans) and they include all of our kids and still serve nourishing our adult side as well. Friday night is always night out for us. We are going to do a little shopping, have some dinner and go see 'Brave' a new Pixar movie. Saturday morning is always the Farmer's Market - complete with yummy goodness, balloon animals, plants and entertainment. Every other Saturday is a cookout at our house with friends - roughly 20 people or so. They all bring their kids, we eat my awesome food, have conversation and laughs, the kids play and no one has to drink to have a good time. We are going to try to squeeze in some time this weekend at one or both of the art fests in town. Not to mention, the on-going commitment to the yard improvement. Not one of those plans is about buying our kids or who does it better, faster or more. Every single one of them is about the memories we can make, the love we can show and the laughs we can have.

Treat your child like a child and give yourself the respect of being a parent. Do it for the right reasons - not to be first. This is parenting, not a race.