This post might be to intimate and personal - read at your own risk.
It's about to get real in here. Maybe it's the lack of oxygen from pneumonia, maybe it's the antibiotics talking, maybe it is that I have just held it in long enough, maybe I have reached a point of hurt and frustration. Here I am up at midnight after an hour long of silently crying into my pillow. (Yes, my robot demeanor has really broken down) There was a real rollercoaster of events that happened today and I am just trying to make sense of it all.
I did the dutiful thing today...well yesterday at this point. I went to work. Doesn't sound like a big deal, right? Factor in that after my 9+ hours were done, I went to Urgent Care where my doctor wanted to admit me for my pneumonia. I scared my boss today and at the same time showed my commitment to my job. So it was a blessing in a way. Tomorrow I will not be going to work, I bargained my doctor down to bed rest. While it paid off to go in sick, risking it tomorrow might be unwise. Guess I will stay home most of the day and say that I am resting, but in all likelihood it will be a lot of housework. I have been sick and the house definitely shows it.
Tonight it all kind of crashed on me at once. My doctor was really scared. Seeing the fear on her face shook my stubborn resolve. There was a time in the exam room where I was getting so little oxygen and coughing so violently that my vision went blurry and my ears rang - I almost fainted in the exam room. I was alone and scared, sadly enough, it felt familiar.
I have made no secret about it - I have no family. By that I mean no parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins or grandparents. I had a family once, it isn't like they were all wiped out by a terrible plague and I am the sole survivor. The plague I survived was circumstance. My mom abandoned my brother and I when we were toddlers, left us in the care of my drug addicted criminal father. She survived her attempted suicide and I wound up taking care of her after she returned from California. My dad and my uncle landed themselves a prime spot in the federal penitentiary system after a botched bankrobbery. My paternal grandparents took my 6 year old brother and raised him in Colorado until he came to live with my mom and I at age 11. My maternal grandparents both passed from cancer when I was 9. My brother found himself to be a drug addict too by the age of 12, he spent his adolescent and teen years locked up in rehab and boys' homes. My dad has been pretty absent my entire life. I know that he is sitting in jail in Missouri right now waiting trial on charges that will likely put him away for the rest of his life. My brother is on the lamb from what I have heard through the grapevine. It doesn't even phase me anymore. I rarely think about my family at all.
My mom...yeah, that's the tough one. She lives less than 10 blocks from me. Brain injury and addiction have made her an impossible person to be around. She is spiteful and venomous to frightening extremes. A little over a year ago I reached a breaking point with her that I had came to more than a few times. Backstory and awful truth time - as a child, I was shuffled around to whatever place she could sucker a man into letting her stay for awhile. She had a lot of boyfriends and we moved a lot. For a long time, we were homeless...sleeping in our car if we had one or a tent when the weather was nice. I had a couple of stepdads and one I kind of thought was going to be permanent in my life. When I was 13, I was sent to shelter because my mom was too drugged out to take care of me.
Shelter was bad, most of the other kids were there as a transition to juvenile hall, some of them had the same situation as me. After 6 long months I was placed in foster care (most foster parents don't want to take teenage girls so placement is difficult) The first foster home was a nightmare. They wanted only girls for a reason. We were paychecks and eye candy, if not worse. The fateful day came when credible allegations came and were finally founded. I was hurried out of the home and placed 10 miles north. It was a different world there. To a college town with culture and size, from a Podunk site of 200 people. It wasn't just the location that was different either. My second foster mom was about as far removed from my first placement as possible. Jayne was a confident and well off business woman with a full schedule. She was my saving grace. After two years of being with her, my mom petitioned the court to place me back with her. Two days before my 16th birthday, I went back to a home I didn't want to be in with a woman I wanted nothing to do with.
I had taken care of my mother since I was 4 years old. Far too young. I had the brief two years where I could be a child and I wasn't ready to go back to being caretaker. The drugs didn't quit and the mental/emotional abuse didn't either. It was my private, shameful hell. Well into my 30's I am not ashamed of it anymore. I am wise enough to know that those were her actions and not mine. I am also wise enough to see the damage and hurt that she placed directly upon my children. That is the ending point of my tale with her. Forgiveness isn't the issue, there is no sense in harboring that kind of hurt. The sad part is that I can't forget because my duty as a mother is to protect my children.
That brings me to the next part of this lengthy post...the family I do have. I am a mother, that is a great source of pride for me. Those children are the only blood family I have contact with. It is sad to say that they are the only family I have. My love for them is sufficient enough to fill the void of emptiness where other family once was.
I am questioning things in my life tonight. There are big decisions to be made and I have to be sure that they are the right ones for my children. They are what I have to hold on to. They are who I am responsible for. I did the dutiful thing today for them and for the man in my life, at the detriment to myself.
I am hurt right now, that isn't something I admit to easily. You know who reached out and checked on me tonight directly? (outside of the immediate household in which I reside) the father of my children and my boss. Two people who depend on me being well made the call or text, that's it. Sometimes it really sucks not belonging to a family, not having anyone to talk to or turn to. Most of all...it hurts that no one cares enough to even reach out.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
The Boogie Woogie Flu
I don't really have the Boogie Woogie Flu. I did used to go dancing every weekend til the wee hours of the morning, but I have to say that I don't miss it as much as I would have thought I did. That is a part of my life I happily left behind. My life is happy, secure and stable now. Partying doesn't make me feel fulfilled, nor is it my "right" to go get wasted to celebrate something. I am far too mature to act like that anymore. What I am looking for now is stability, security, love and true happiness. For the most part I have it too. :) But I digress to the real topic: Healthcare.
I don't have the rocking pneumonia either, what I do have is Pneumonia. Ugh, let me tell you, this is the pits. For three weeks now I have coughed, wheezed and hacked up things that looked like the slime from "You Can't Do That on Television" (Total admission as to just how old I am) I have been running a steady fever. The past week + I have been having a lot of pain in my left lung and crackling/gurgling noise when I try to breathe(the operative word there is try), especially when laying down. Now I am spitting up pinkish green stuff and I have to admit I am worried. The tiredness has been awful, there are short-lived times where I have a bit of energy for it only to dissipate a short while later. Did I mention that I have not been able to hear out of my left ear for almost 2 weeks now? My appetite is non existent and I constantly feel dehydrated. And the headaches! I have not had headaches like this since I don't know when. As much as I hate to admit it, it's time that I go to the doctor.
I loathe going to the doctor. If you had as many legitimate medical issues as I do, you would understand. My biggest fear is that they will hospitalize me. There is no amount of words in the English language to properly express how much I do not want that! Spending a month and a half in CCU (Critical Care Unit) was enough for me. Nothing makes me feel more out of control of my life than lying in a hospital, staring longingly out the window. I am not ready to let someone else make my decisions for me.
Here is the bind I am in - no insurance. When Whooping Cough started going around and my oldest caught it, I paid for the entire family to get seen and get antibiotics. Out of the 6 of us, I am the only one with no insurance. Co-pays, medications and my full bill were over $250 dollars. I paid it all, out of pocket that very day. I am not looking forward to incurring another such bill though. My insurance from work doesn't kick in until October 1st, so for now going to the doctor is costly. *sigh* I guess I just suck it up and pay it for now. Hopefully that raise I get won't all go to my medical bills.
So now the question I have is how much coverage is too much? When Chad and I get married, there will be two income earners with the availability of insurance to all 6 of us. Do we double cover just the adults? Do we double cover just the children? Do we double cover all of us? Do we double cover none of us? It would definitely be nice to never have another medical bill to worry about. How much of the cost of insurance is going to take away from our paychecks? My insurance is free for just me. I am thinking better safe than sorry. My two girls are extremely accident prone. The joke around the house is that Halle could hurt herself breathing. My youngest daughter has been nicknamed "Crash" because of her tendency to not look where she is going and subsequently end up tripping. Now comes the issue of my future step-daughter - shortly after my insurance kicks in, we will be married. That means she will be eligible to be put on my insurance. her mother reacts so brashly to anything that I try to do in assistance that I worry this will be one more pointless battle. My children may end up being triple insured before all is said and done. Their dad has a new job that will offer some great benefits as well. Hopefully we can all work together to do what's best to protect our children and keep them healthy.I definitely don't want my children suffering the tough choices I have had to make with healthcare.
To health, wealth and happiness ~ Andrea
I don't have the rocking pneumonia either, what I do have is Pneumonia. Ugh, let me tell you, this is the pits. For three weeks now I have coughed, wheezed and hacked up things that looked like the slime from "You Can't Do That on Television" (Total admission as to just how old I am) I have been running a steady fever. The past week + I have been having a lot of pain in my left lung and crackling/gurgling noise when I try to breathe(the operative word there is try), especially when laying down. Now I am spitting up pinkish green stuff and I have to admit I am worried. The tiredness has been awful, there are short-lived times where I have a bit of energy for it only to dissipate a short while later. Did I mention that I have not been able to hear out of my left ear for almost 2 weeks now? My appetite is non existent and I constantly feel dehydrated. And the headaches! I have not had headaches like this since I don't know when. As much as I hate to admit it, it's time that I go to the doctor.
I loathe going to the doctor. If you had as many legitimate medical issues as I do, you would understand. My biggest fear is that they will hospitalize me. There is no amount of words in the English language to properly express how much I do not want that! Spending a month and a half in CCU (Critical Care Unit) was enough for me. Nothing makes me feel more out of control of my life than lying in a hospital, staring longingly out the window. I am not ready to let someone else make my decisions for me.
Here is the bind I am in - no insurance. When Whooping Cough started going around and my oldest caught it, I paid for the entire family to get seen and get antibiotics. Out of the 6 of us, I am the only one with no insurance. Co-pays, medications and my full bill were over $250 dollars. I paid it all, out of pocket that very day. I am not looking forward to incurring another such bill though. My insurance from work doesn't kick in until October 1st, so for now going to the doctor is costly. *sigh* I guess I just suck it up and pay it for now. Hopefully that raise I get won't all go to my medical bills.
So now the question I have is how much coverage is too much? When Chad and I get married, there will be two income earners with the availability of insurance to all 6 of us. Do we double cover just the adults? Do we double cover just the children? Do we double cover all of us? Do we double cover none of us? It would definitely be nice to never have another medical bill to worry about. How much of the cost of insurance is going to take away from our paychecks? My insurance is free for just me. I am thinking better safe than sorry. My two girls are extremely accident prone. The joke around the house is that Halle could hurt herself breathing. My youngest daughter has been nicknamed "Crash" because of her tendency to not look where she is going and subsequently end up tripping. Now comes the issue of my future step-daughter - shortly after my insurance kicks in, we will be married. That means she will be eligible to be put on my insurance. her mother reacts so brashly to anything that I try to do in assistance that I worry this will be one more pointless battle. My children may end up being triple insured before all is said and done. Their dad has a new job that will offer some great benefits as well. Hopefully we can all work together to do what's best to protect our children and keep them healthy.I definitely don't want my children suffering the tough choices I have had to make with healthcare.
To health, wealth and happiness ~ Andrea
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Back in Session
Today marks the fifth day of school in our district. It sure seems to come early now! Yes, back in the old days when we were kids, school started after Labor Day.
This year I have an 8th grader, a 3rd grader, the fiance's 1st grader and my own kindergartner. That is a whole lot of school, scheduling, activities and projects to coordinate! We managed two separate "Meet the Teacher" nights on opposite sides of town in two nights for three kids. The oldest doesn't have Open House until Thursday of this week. Yikes! Is that coming up already?! The first book orders have already been sent home as well as the pleas from the PTA for support. *sigh* This is just the beginning of the year too. They aren't pacing themselves at all.
Last year, my son's special education teacher coaxed us to be example parents or "role model parents". We are very family oriented and have had quite a bit of success with helping Colton learn better ways of communicating. The teachers were very appreciative and thankful to have parents that were so cooperative and open with them. Sadly, that is a rarity. We didn't chose to be "role model parents" last year because it was so late in the school year. This year may be a different story. I miss my time on the PTA. Being involved in the school and helping others feels so very rewarding. With another child in the school, it feels like I should be giving back to the students, the parents and the staff.
Now I just need to figure out how to distribute my time and efforts to each of the three schools. That is a task! I am seriously considering role model parenting for the younger two of mine. I am not certain that my schedule at work will allow me to sit on the PTA. Chad's family has quite generously donated to his daughter's school and I am certain that the support will continue there. My daughter's middle school is the one I am having trouble knowing what I can do to help. Hopefully Open House provides some light to shed on that.
Teachers and schools need our help to operate and function successfully. A school's success = a child's success.
See you on the learning curve ~ Andrea
This year I have an 8th grader, a 3rd grader, the fiance's 1st grader and my own kindergartner. That is a whole lot of school, scheduling, activities and projects to coordinate! We managed two separate "Meet the Teacher" nights on opposite sides of town in two nights for three kids. The oldest doesn't have Open House until Thursday of this week. Yikes! Is that coming up already?! The first book orders have already been sent home as well as the pleas from the PTA for support. *sigh* This is just the beginning of the year too. They aren't pacing themselves at all.
Last year, my son's special education teacher coaxed us to be example parents or "role model parents". We are very family oriented and have had quite a bit of success with helping Colton learn better ways of communicating. The teachers were very appreciative and thankful to have parents that were so cooperative and open with them. Sadly, that is a rarity. We didn't chose to be "role model parents" last year because it was so late in the school year. This year may be a different story. I miss my time on the PTA. Being involved in the school and helping others feels so very rewarding. With another child in the school, it feels like I should be giving back to the students, the parents and the staff.
Now I just need to figure out how to distribute my time and efforts to each of the three schools. That is a task! I am seriously considering role model parenting for the younger two of mine. I am not certain that my schedule at work will allow me to sit on the PTA. Chad's family has quite generously donated to his daughter's school and I am certain that the support will continue there. My daughter's middle school is the one I am having trouble knowing what I can do to help. Hopefully Open House provides some light to shed on that.
Teachers and schools need our help to operate and function successfully. A school's success = a child's success.
See you on the learning curve ~ Andrea
Friday, August 24, 2012
But I Don't Wanna
It is that time again folks...ranty time. (Please keep in mind that doesn't mean that I am angry, just that I have views to express)
You may or may not know that I am a broker. That essentially means that my company is a financially responsible party that coordinates between two other parties. I work for a logistics brokerage firm. It's not a glorious job, but a worthy one. All those things that you consumers need and depend on to make it through your day (and don't be fooled, you all use these goods way more than any of you realize) are dependent upon people like me getting them to the destination point. In order for me to get those loads of product to the destination point, there has to be product to be moved. In other words...production of product is a necessary part of this equation. Seems logical, right? Most people don't think about what they consume, where it comes from or how it is manufactured until there is a demand for it.
Yesterday there was a Homeland Security raid on a manufacturing company that we do business with. It isn't a big facility, but it does a lot of business and has several sites across the U.S. I don't feel like it is my duty to expose any more information than that. The job these people do is dirty, strenuous, hot and the hours are long. If any of you haven't gathered by now what happened, I will give a more clear explanation: Many of the workers there were illegal immigrants. Their stop in production will be affecting hundreds of other workers, costing businesses millions of dollars in profitability and putting jobs on hold.
What is my problem with all this? There are a couple of things that I take issue with here. First of all, I have no problem with people wanting to immigrate to this country. Most of my ancestors immigrated here (obviously I am part native) While no nation is Utopian, for the most part, we have it good here - clean drinking water, ample roadways and through fares, a seemingly endless food supply, plenty of jobs, good schools, etc. Those might seem like simple things to us, but to many people that is ideal. Those people aren't whining about what jobs there are or that they are beneath them. They do them, without complaint, earn their paycheck and usually help their community with it. You can sling stats at me about minorities and the criminal element, but the simple fact is that wherever there is poverty (have nots) there will always be people looking to gain financial and material wealth (haves). There are just as many, if not more, of those illegal immigrants just trying to make a better life for themselves and their families. What I would like to see would be a broader system for "migrant" workers. Allow those businesses to profit if they want to, feed that money back into the economy. Provide jobs in a more legal way to mitigate some of the criminal element to just wanting to earn a paycheck. I am not saying that opening up the proverbial flood gates of immigrants is the answer, but loosening the reigns might be called for.
My second issue: Those jobs I talked about - the ones with long hours, dirty conditions, strenuous work are ones that legal workers are not taking. The unemployment rate here is significantly lower than other states, but we still have almost 90,000 people in this state unemployed. I know of able bodied people that are unemployed and refuse working certain types of jobs because "that is beneath them". That has to be one of the most repulsive statements I have ever heard! Sitting on your ass, doing nothing and collecting a check for it is far worse than anyone working here illegally. What is even more inflammatory is when parents or women say that. Really?! First, you are teaching your child the value of not being productive and leeching off the system. Second, as a parent you have cleaned up and been puked on, wiped asses and cleaned up shit, done laundry and you want to say that there is a job beneath you?! While parenting is the greatest honor, it is also the dirtiest job out there. There are thousands of jobs out there that are waiting to be filed if someone would accept their civil duty to earn a living instead of believing they are entitled to one. Nothing is lower than someone who excepts others to take care of them financially that is perfectly able of taking care of themselves.
If you want illegal immigrants to stop coming in and "taking your jobs" then take them back. Work a job that you might feel you are overqualified for. Work harder. The more jobs we as Americans fill, the less there is for someone else to fill. Have more pride in yourself and for your family than just being willing to accept a handout.
Get to work ~ Andrea
You may or may not know that I am a broker. That essentially means that my company is a financially responsible party that coordinates between two other parties. I work for a logistics brokerage firm. It's not a glorious job, but a worthy one. All those things that you consumers need and depend on to make it through your day (and don't be fooled, you all use these goods way more than any of you realize) are dependent upon people like me getting them to the destination point. In order for me to get those loads of product to the destination point, there has to be product to be moved. In other words...production of product is a necessary part of this equation. Seems logical, right? Most people don't think about what they consume, where it comes from or how it is manufactured until there is a demand for it.
Yesterday there was a Homeland Security raid on a manufacturing company that we do business with. It isn't a big facility, but it does a lot of business and has several sites across the U.S. I don't feel like it is my duty to expose any more information than that. The job these people do is dirty, strenuous, hot and the hours are long. If any of you haven't gathered by now what happened, I will give a more clear explanation: Many of the workers there were illegal immigrants. Their stop in production will be affecting hundreds of other workers, costing businesses millions of dollars in profitability and putting jobs on hold.
What is my problem with all this? There are a couple of things that I take issue with here. First of all, I have no problem with people wanting to immigrate to this country. Most of my ancestors immigrated here (obviously I am part native) While no nation is Utopian, for the most part, we have it good here - clean drinking water, ample roadways and through fares, a seemingly endless food supply, plenty of jobs, good schools, etc. Those might seem like simple things to us, but to many people that is ideal. Those people aren't whining about what jobs there are or that they are beneath them. They do them, without complaint, earn their paycheck and usually help their community with it. You can sling stats at me about minorities and the criminal element, but the simple fact is that wherever there is poverty (have nots) there will always be people looking to gain financial and material wealth (haves). There are just as many, if not more, of those illegal immigrants just trying to make a better life for themselves and their families. What I would like to see would be a broader system for "migrant" workers. Allow those businesses to profit if they want to, feed that money back into the economy. Provide jobs in a more legal way to mitigate some of the criminal element to just wanting to earn a paycheck. I am not saying that opening up the proverbial flood gates of immigrants is the answer, but loosening the reigns might be called for.
My second issue: Those jobs I talked about - the ones with long hours, dirty conditions, strenuous work are ones that legal workers are not taking. The unemployment rate here is significantly lower than other states, but we still have almost 90,000 people in this state unemployed. I know of able bodied people that are unemployed and refuse working certain types of jobs because "that is beneath them". That has to be one of the most repulsive statements I have ever heard! Sitting on your ass, doing nothing and collecting a check for it is far worse than anyone working here illegally. What is even more inflammatory is when parents or women say that. Really?! First, you are teaching your child the value of not being productive and leeching off the system. Second, as a parent you have cleaned up and been puked on, wiped asses and cleaned up shit, done laundry and you want to say that there is a job beneath you?! While parenting is the greatest honor, it is also the dirtiest job out there. There are thousands of jobs out there that are waiting to be filed if someone would accept their civil duty to earn a living instead of believing they are entitled to one. Nothing is lower than someone who excepts others to take care of them financially that is perfectly able of taking care of themselves.
If you want illegal immigrants to stop coming in and "taking your jobs" then take them back. Work a job that you might feel you are overqualified for. Work harder. The more jobs we as Americans fill, the less there is for someone else to fill. Have more pride in yourself and for your family than just being willing to accept a handout.
Get to work ~ Andrea
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Hulking Out
I am a kind of a giant, I don't turn green and unlike Dr. Banner - I am not always angry. In fact, I am rarely angry. Which is why this post is being made. I was recently called an angry person. Want to know how mad it made me? I laughed - audibly and I still am. Being called angry was probably one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard. What makes it so much more laughable was that the person who called me that has never spoken a single solitary word with me, despite being in my presence every week and despite repeated offers to talk.What would qualify someone to think that they could make a determination about my demeanor without ever speaking to me? The answer is self-righteous projection of personal issues that they possess.
Supposedly reading my blog is plenty to decipher what kind of overall personality I have. So let me do some looking through past blogs: Giving up on a lifelong dream - that would make most people angry, never once did I express anger. A passion for gardening and repurposing - ooooohhhh that seems volatile as all get out <end sarcastic tone> How about my admission that I feel unattractive at times? Does that make me angry? No, the emotion you are looking for there is sadness. What about my spiritual quest? Sorry, that isn't angry either. Parenting pieces and philosophies? None of those are angry either. Is it upsetting how people treat their children sometimes? Absolutely. Posts about my disease? No anger at all there, in fact, I am grateful for the opportunity to see things in a different perspective. How about the post where I talk about break up hair? Hmmm...still no anger found there. A lot of my posts are about behaviors and philosophy - any anger there? Those are searching for answers and reasons, exploring thoughts. Angry? Still no. Damn, it seems as though this myth of me being angry is debunked. My posts may be opinionated, direct, honest and lacking the sugar-coating and pandering that some people feel necessary. None of those make me angry though.
The people that truly know me know exactly how calm and even keeled I am. One of my friends refers to me as being her "zen". I rarely cry, panic isn't an option and I am not ruled by my emotions. Logic is my friend. It is difficult to use logic at all if you are emotional and out of control. There is nothing that I find overwhelming or that I simply can't deal with it. That is the secret to being "zen" - treat everything as if it is merely one more challenge to face, a challenge that you will triumph over. I am a firm believer in learning the lessons of life. There is absolutely no reason to be angry. Life is to be learned from, to be embraced, the be celebrated - not to be wasted by being angry. I don't experience the crushing lows, which also means that I don't experience the euphoric highs that come from stepping outside of reality. I am perfectly fine with that. Depression isn't required to be sad, just as euphoria isn't required to be happy. That is bi-polar disorder, not normal emotional process. I am generally a happy person that is thankful for the life I have and that I have triumphed over the adversities of my life.
For someone to project their obvious anger onto my personality is not only sad and pathetic, but just one more sign that this person is not in control of their own life. I left my first marriage because of the anger. Thankfully, my former spouse has grown out of that anger he once had. He is a much better father now, recently graduated with a quality job, the kids love spending time with him, we all work together as a family and I am happy to report that he has a new relationship with a woman who makes him happy. Him being happy and being able to be a good father makes me happy. My own relationship makes me very happy. I am with a man that is helpful, caring, appreciative, funny, intelligent, silly beyond belief, sarcastic, witty charming and all mine. We are expressive about our love, affectionate and share every aspect of our lives. Have I mentioned we are getting married very soon?! What more could a woman ask for?! The absolute highlight of my life is that I have raised 3 wonderful children full of enthusiasm and wonder to all be individuals that are my joy. I know have a fourth child that is my fiancee's "spark" - she radiates energy and liveliness, bringing me as much joy as my very own do. My job is decent. I make enough money to ensure that our family is supported well, with hours and flexibility that accommodate being a mom. My friends are supportive and fun, not just 'good time' friends. We see them often and reciprocate the support and care they give. My gardens are blooming and growing. I am sharing my creativity that is appreciated by many. My house is filled with love and laughter <3
To the misguided that clearly have no perception on how to gauge emotion - I am not angry. I feel sad for you, but in no way do I have anger. Anger is a wasted emotion that becomes an addiction, just like pity. I am hooked on being happy. We aren't entitled to anger if wrong has been done to us. Anger is only imprisoning yourself and inhibiting joy from coming in. If you wish for me to be angry, you may be waiting a lifetime.
Live happy, live free ~ Andrea
Supposedly reading my blog is plenty to decipher what kind of overall personality I have. So let me do some looking through past blogs: Giving up on a lifelong dream - that would make most people angry, never once did I express anger. A passion for gardening and repurposing - ooooohhhh that seems volatile as all get out <end sarcastic tone> How about my admission that I feel unattractive at times? Does that make me angry? No, the emotion you are looking for there is sadness. What about my spiritual quest? Sorry, that isn't angry either. Parenting pieces and philosophies? None of those are angry either. Is it upsetting how people treat their children sometimes? Absolutely. Posts about my disease? No anger at all there, in fact, I am grateful for the opportunity to see things in a different perspective. How about the post where I talk about break up hair? Hmmm...still no anger found there. A lot of my posts are about behaviors and philosophy - any anger there? Those are searching for answers and reasons, exploring thoughts. Angry? Still no. Damn, it seems as though this myth of me being angry is debunked. My posts may be opinionated, direct, honest and lacking the sugar-coating and pandering that some people feel necessary. None of those make me angry though.
The people that truly know me know exactly how calm and even keeled I am. One of my friends refers to me as being her "zen". I rarely cry, panic isn't an option and I am not ruled by my emotions. Logic is my friend. It is difficult to use logic at all if you are emotional and out of control. There is nothing that I find overwhelming or that I simply can't deal with it. That is the secret to being "zen" - treat everything as if it is merely one more challenge to face, a challenge that you will triumph over. I am a firm believer in learning the lessons of life. There is absolutely no reason to be angry. Life is to be learned from, to be embraced, the be celebrated - not to be wasted by being angry. I don't experience the crushing lows, which also means that I don't experience the euphoric highs that come from stepping outside of reality. I am perfectly fine with that. Depression isn't required to be sad, just as euphoria isn't required to be happy. That is bi-polar disorder, not normal emotional process. I am generally a happy person that is thankful for the life I have and that I have triumphed over the adversities of my life.
For someone to project their obvious anger onto my personality is not only sad and pathetic, but just one more sign that this person is not in control of their own life. I left my first marriage because of the anger. Thankfully, my former spouse has grown out of that anger he once had. He is a much better father now, recently graduated with a quality job, the kids love spending time with him, we all work together as a family and I am happy to report that he has a new relationship with a woman who makes him happy. Him being happy and being able to be a good father makes me happy. My own relationship makes me very happy. I am with a man that is helpful, caring, appreciative, funny, intelligent, silly beyond belief, sarcastic, witty charming and all mine. We are expressive about our love, affectionate and share every aspect of our lives. Have I mentioned we are getting married very soon?! What more could a woman ask for?! The absolute highlight of my life is that I have raised 3 wonderful children full of enthusiasm and wonder to all be individuals that are my joy. I know have a fourth child that is my fiancee's "spark" - she radiates energy and liveliness, bringing me as much joy as my very own do. My job is decent. I make enough money to ensure that our family is supported well, with hours and flexibility that accommodate being a mom. My friends are supportive and fun, not just 'good time' friends. We see them often and reciprocate the support and care they give. My gardens are blooming and growing. I am sharing my creativity that is appreciated by many. My house is filled with love and laughter <3
To the misguided that clearly have no perception on how to gauge emotion - I am not angry. I feel sad for you, but in no way do I have anger. Anger is a wasted emotion that becomes an addiction, just like pity. I am hooked on being happy. We aren't entitled to anger if wrong has been done to us. Anger is only imprisoning yourself and inhibiting joy from coming in. If you wish for me to be angry, you may be waiting a lifetime.
Live happy, live free ~ Andrea
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Read It and Weep
So this writey/thinky thing I do here is gaining some popularity. A few of my readers weren't necessarily welcomed here, but honestly I don't care if they read or not. If people who don't like me choose to read what I write, then have a good hard look folks - I am going to keep giving you plenty to see. This has never been and will never be a blog about slamming specific individuals, chastising people pointedly or holding myself above others. Don't like it? Don't read it. Why read or view something only to piss yourself off? That is a logic fail there...not that I take anybody who would do something like that as a person with an overwhelming sense of logic. I write for me and me alone.
Back to the subject at hand (Snoop Lion) This is a post about crying.
A few short weeks ago, my youngest asked me if I ever cried. That question took me back a bit. That is a child who has never seen her mother visibly upset. Mind you, she is five and a half years old. I am emotionally even keeled for the most part. My thoughts are that everything is temporary unless I choose to make it permanent. Or 'this too shall pass'. Ironically enough, she got to see me cry a few short days later. I reached a breaking point emotionally. A friend passed, another friend's mother was diagnosed with cancer, I was personally having trouble with my illness at the time (still am) and our wedding date had just been moved. Only one of those was a happy event. I got caught up in everything that was going on and I wept openly in front of my children. That is not something I am proud of, but I also do not regret it. In that case, it was ok to let my children know that I was sad because someone died. To me, that is an acceptable reason to cry.
Children should see their parents as strong and stable, that is exactly what mine view me as. While I am loving, concerned, helpful, fun, supportive - I fail to show my children when I have a weakness because I do not want them to be afraid, right down to hiding as much of my disease from them as possible. I also do not want to show them that it is ok to be overly emotionally invested in everything (aka a drama queen). We all cry, we all need that release sometimes. That release should not be our children's burden to bear though. Often times that frightens children because crying is a clue that something is wrong.
People cry for a multitude of reasons: sadness, happiness, being hurt, being upset, being overwhelmed or for those that do not have their their emotions in balance it is their gut check response to anything that they do not like. I am all for using the release of crying where it is warranted. What really bothers me is when people use crying for someone to feel sorry for them or to get their way. That is manipulation through pity. It is a disgusting and immature trait. You want pity? Look elsewhere. If you want to pout and throw a temper tantrum, take that elsewhere too. My gut check response when anyone acts like that is to walk away and ignore the bad behavior. Cry to try and get sympathy or pity from me and I am likely to hit you with some truth so extreme that it will make you cry. Crying doesn't get you out of trouble and if it does, that is temporary because most people do not react that way. It makes people angry when they are manipulated. That is an unspoken way of telling them they are a fool and a sucker. Make someone else out to be the fool and you will be the one looking foolish. That is the universal law of returns.
If you need to cry, let it out. If you need to release, let it go. If you need pity and sympathy - get over yourself.
Back to the subject at hand (Snoop Lion) This is a post about crying.
A few short weeks ago, my youngest asked me if I ever cried. That question took me back a bit. That is a child who has never seen her mother visibly upset. Mind you, she is five and a half years old. I am emotionally even keeled for the most part. My thoughts are that everything is temporary unless I choose to make it permanent. Or 'this too shall pass'. Ironically enough, she got to see me cry a few short days later. I reached a breaking point emotionally. A friend passed, another friend's mother was diagnosed with cancer, I was personally having trouble with my illness at the time (still am) and our wedding date had just been moved. Only one of those was a happy event. I got caught up in everything that was going on and I wept openly in front of my children. That is not something I am proud of, but I also do not regret it. In that case, it was ok to let my children know that I was sad because someone died. To me, that is an acceptable reason to cry.
Children should see their parents as strong and stable, that is exactly what mine view me as. While I am loving, concerned, helpful, fun, supportive - I fail to show my children when I have a weakness because I do not want them to be afraid, right down to hiding as much of my disease from them as possible. I also do not want to show them that it is ok to be overly emotionally invested in everything (aka a drama queen). We all cry, we all need that release sometimes. That release should not be our children's burden to bear though. Often times that frightens children because crying is a clue that something is wrong.
People cry for a multitude of reasons: sadness, happiness, being hurt, being upset, being overwhelmed or for those that do not have their their emotions in balance it is their gut check response to anything that they do not like. I am all for using the release of crying where it is warranted. What really bothers me is when people use crying for someone to feel sorry for them or to get their way. That is manipulation through pity. It is a disgusting and immature trait. You want pity? Look elsewhere. If you want to pout and throw a temper tantrum, take that elsewhere too. My gut check response when anyone acts like that is to walk away and ignore the bad behavior. Cry to try and get sympathy or pity from me and I am likely to hit you with some truth so extreme that it will make you cry. Crying doesn't get you out of trouble and if it does, that is temporary because most people do not react that way. It makes people angry when they are manipulated. That is an unspoken way of telling them they are a fool and a sucker. Make someone else out to be the fool and you will be the one looking foolish. That is the universal law of returns.
If you need to cry, let it out. If you need to release, let it go. If you need pity and sympathy - get over yourself.
Friday, August 3, 2012
Playing by the Rules
Not too terribly long ago I posted Life Guarantees, in it were some loose rules about lessons. Lately, I have been thinking a lot about that. This is going to be a bit of tangent correlation about lessons and rules. Bear with me through the meandering of trying to nail these thoughts down to the virtual paper.
The lesson that's going to be addressed today is about playing by the rules. I am what some people, including myself, would call rebellious. Hold your gasps of shock there, 'tis true. Some of that rebellion has faded as wisdom has matured my spirit into a more graceful nature. I was a risk taker, not just the skipping a class or two type. Sure, I jumped off the cliffs in the summer 50 feet into the murky white capped waters of the lake below. I have sky dived, in fact, I have flown in a plane several times - but never have I landed in one. That is the fairly mundane risk taking. I took chances with my life in those ways. It wasn't something I really thought about when I broke the ultimate rule - death. I have chronicled in this blog how I have cheated death- no sense in retelling it. At this point in my life, the most risky thing I am going to do would be working myself to exhaustion in the yard with the knowledge that I will pay for it for a few days. I have become safer with my body, I have some pretty important people counting on me to do so. I still have a way to rebel without breaking any laws or rules...with my ideals. Here is the rule I live by though: my ideals shouldn't impose on anyone else's. That is a self inflicted rule that I think I can live by.
Rules are everywhere: at home, at school, at work and we all have to abide by them or suffer the consequences. What happens when that 'rule' is the law? Break that rule and the consequences could be steep, depending on the offense. Then there are rules that we lay out for others. This is a slippery slope to be approached carefully, but so many approach it carelessly with self righteousness. Any rule that you set out for someone else is applicable to you as well. Whoa...that doesn't seem fair, or does it? You certainly wouldn't want someone flaunting how they were above the rules you had to follow. Look how pissed off we all get when the government does it. Every now and then, those rules that we set out for others become law. If you think for one moment that you are getting something over on someone else or punishing them, rest assured it will come back on you when you don't want to play by the rules you laid out. Trying to manipulate the situation in your favor might be calculating and clever, but if you are seeking to manipulate then you are already in the wrong. That sounds like a pretty shitty statement by me, I admit that, but it is the truth. If you were truly righteous, you would have no need to dictate to others, no need to feel the desire to control. That my readers is called insecurity. If you are secure and respectful rules don't need to be made. If you don't care for this line of thought, them I suggest you quit reading what I write...I will only infuriate you further.
Let go of the reigns if you really want to be a rebel. Unleash yourself from the burdens of trying to make rules and control others. Experience the freedom of not having to live with a clandestine agenda. Once you let go of the desire to control other people, they will reciprocate. After all, who wants to fight a battle when there is no one to fight against? If you can't stand playing by the rules, then stop playing bullshit games.
Live free ~ Andrea
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
New Passion
Repurposing. Upcycling. Reclaiming. Call it what you want. I call it bliss. Sunday's unexpected acquire gave me (us) a renewed zest for creating from the already made. We are always repurposing something into another spot or project. Removed blocks by the driveway have become retaining wall for the terracing on the NE 40. Old timbers have become the base for a loft bed. Cabinets have transformed into a toy box. A chicken coop is now a super awesome compost bin with lots of beautiful mulch/compost rotting away :) The base for the chicken coop is one of our raised garden beds now. That is just the tip of the iceberg of the reclaiming projects.
The new acquisition - pallets. We had a few laying around and have been given about 10 more. I have a personal source that can supply endless amounts of them for nothing more than me removing them from their site. (This job of mine has some perks) It looks like we will have a total of at least 25 pallets by the end of the week. What are we going to do with all those pallets?! First off, they are going to be sanded, painted or stained, torn apart where needed and sorted by size. From there, they will be designated for use. The simplest plan is to make them into row planters for our ever expanding gardens. The first of those should be installed by the end of this weekend, the herb garden is the first on our list. That involves pulling up some pavers and finding another place for them, which we are handy at anyway. Other exciting pallet plans: outside rolling coffee table, chairs, benches, potting stands, a strawberry pyramid, shelving for the garage, dining table (most likely to remain in the garage for our many cookouts and get togethers) my very favorite idea - a painted "living" gate to unusable treacherous stairs, a storage bench and perhaps a painted walkway in the NE40 gardens.
Some of these ideas we had been thinking on a while, some came to us from online inspiration. All of them give us another opportunity to do something we love together and something the kids can help us with. The children will get to paint the gate and put their handprints on it. All of them love planting, especially the Autumns :) They love the excitement and accomplishment of creating. I am quite certain the eldest will dive right into the painting and be begging for pieces of her own to show off. We may or may not make something more out of it other than our personal whimsy. The man of the house, he is a handy sort and will definitely find a way to make them all work. My job - inspiration, vision, labor and encouragement. Who knows...maybe I will have some pictures to share with you all soon.
See you on the Oregon Trail ~
Andrea
The new acquisition - pallets. We had a few laying around and have been given about 10 more. I have a personal source that can supply endless amounts of them for nothing more than me removing them from their site. (This job of mine has some perks) It looks like we will have a total of at least 25 pallets by the end of the week. What are we going to do with all those pallets?! First off, they are going to be sanded, painted or stained, torn apart where needed and sorted by size. From there, they will be designated for use. The simplest plan is to make them into row planters for our ever expanding gardens. The first of those should be installed by the end of this weekend, the herb garden is the first on our list. That involves pulling up some pavers and finding another place for them, which we are handy at anyway. Other exciting pallet plans: outside rolling coffee table, chairs, benches, potting stands, a strawberry pyramid, shelving for the garage, dining table (most likely to remain in the garage for our many cookouts and get togethers) my very favorite idea - a painted "living" gate to unusable treacherous stairs, a storage bench and perhaps a painted walkway in the NE40 gardens.
Some of these ideas we had been thinking on a while, some came to us from online inspiration. All of them give us another opportunity to do something we love together and something the kids can help us with. The children will get to paint the gate and put their handprints on it. All of them love planting, especially the Autumns :) They love the excitement and accomplishment of creating. I am quite certain the eldest will dive right into the painting and be begging for pieces of her own to show off. We may or may not make something more out of it other than our personal whimsy. The man of the house, he is a handy sort and will definitely find a way to make them all work. My job - inspiration, vision, labor and encouragement. Who knows...maybe I will have some pictures to share with you all soon.
See you on the Oregon Trail ~
Andrea
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