This isn't going to be a post about a pen pal in the slammer or some tribute to the Man in Black - though completely deserving. Ladies and gentlemen (broads and dudes, chicks and guys, females and males - if you're not into the whole brevity thing) I am talking about keeping a relationship on track instead of longing watching the relationship train move down the line from your imprisonment of issues.
Relationships aren't easy and take a lot of work. Anyone that says different is a flat out liar. What does it take to get a relationship 'back on track' once it has been derailed? That all depends on what happened to the relationship, where the relationship is and how the people in the relationship act/react. The third part of the equation is probably going to be the highlighted topic today (I am not ever totally sure where a post will lead me).
Let's look at some simple ways to keep it on track first:
1) Don't take the person you are with for granted - I have to say this is probably where most relationships go wrong. There was something about that person that you drew you to them, sparked your interest and made you want more than just a friendship with them. That does not mean that once you have them that they are to be treated poorly or dismissively. Best of all the choices - show him/her and tell that person why you are with them and that you want them in your life.
2) Appreciate the person you are with - It kind of goes with the first one, but isn't quite the same. Sometimes two little words can mean more than three little words. Do you tell your partner thank you and genuinely mean it? Try it, it works. Not just for the big things either, try it out on unexpected times and for something little. In our house...it's the pepper on the potatoes.
3) Speak up - if something is bothering you, say it. It is so much easier to deal with something when it happens, rather than let it fester under the surface. Be careful and respectful about how you approach it and the other person might be more inclined to listen. Happiness counts :)
4) Live without secrets - this one is hard for some people. Secrets, lies and hiding are products of shame. If you weren't ashamed of it and didn't feel guilty about it, there would be no need to hide it. Shame and guilt are there to tell us that something isn't right and we shouldn't be doing it.
5) Respect yourself - equally as hard as the fourth one. If you respect yourself and don't tolerate any less than you would give, you are much more likely to find someone who is able to give you what it is you need out of a relationship.
What happens when things start to go wrong? The two prime culprits here are hurt and blame. One party is hurt by something the other person did. Person A is hurt and gives Person B a lot of blame. Anyone who has ever laid eyes on this page knows what a huge proponent I am of personal responsibility, so in my eyes, owning up to whatever your part in the issue is, makes it that much easier to repair the damage. Not one single instance can be put solely on one person's shoulders. There is plenty of blame to pass around. Far too often, the person that is hurt is not willing to accept any of that. I know that this isn't a very popular standpoint, but I don't give two shits about popularity. I do care about truth and realism. The reality is that no relationship ever makes it or fails based upon one person alone. It takes two to make a relationship and it takes two to let it fall apart.
Blame is a nasty, nasty thing. It can be just as hurtful as whatever actions caused the blame, especially if the blame is repeated and manifests its way into an assault of verbal jabs. So you were hurt, that really sucks. Makes you want to hurt that other person back, huh? They should feel a little of the sting, right? You would expect me to say wrong, but I am surprisingly not going to. They should feel the hurt that you feel, that will make it clear to them that whatever they did or did not do was totally unacceptable. That doesn't give you the right to punish them long-term either. Say what you need to say, get the hurt conveyed. If you want to move past that point, you have to recommit yourself to a positive interaction. The hurt and doubt isn't going to go away, trust is going to be hard - the decision is going to have to be made whether the relationship is worth the work.
Blame and hurt are the beginnings. The two that follow those are very hard to attain and some people never truly get past blame and hurt to get the tools that are needed to move past that point. The two most important tools to getting through a rough spot in a relationship: Patience and understanding. If you want a trusting, loving and open relationship after there has been hurt - then you have to be willing to put the time and effort in to making it right. Whoever did the hurting (most likely both parties) have to quit blaming and give some understanding and patience for the other person to heal from that. Nothing is magically better and there is no 'just add water' instant fix. Healing takes time, if someone is rushed into acting like everything is fine then it is likely that it is not only insincere, but that they are feeling resentful of the lack of consideration for the healing process. Then it all swirls right back into that horrible cycle of hurt and blame all over again.
Ask yourself what it is you want and consider all the good and bad. If you are ready to get out of the relationship, then don't stay to drag it out and dish out more hurt. If you want to stay in it, then stop the blaming and hurt, give some patience and understanding. Time won't heal all wounds, but it may provide you with some insight and gratefulness as to why you did want to stay. You don't have to forget to forgive, but you do owe it to yourself to not stay in the past forever. That only keeps you in prison. Give yourself and the person you are in a relationship with the freedom of love and caring instead of the shackles of spite and blame.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Thursday, June 21, 2012
I Was Here First - The Art of Parental Pouting
Divorce isn't a strange subject for me. I am a child of divorced parents, I am divorced and my fiance is also divorced. That doesn't make me an expert by means, but it does give me some significant insight into the subject matter.
Children of divorce have a whole set of different rules to live by. One of the saddest ones that I have seen and personally experienced is this bullshit notion that a parent thinks they have to 'out-do' the other parent. If the child or children of that relationship loves one parent more than the other, they win right? That is an awful way to ultimately treat a person like a possession, something that we should NEVER do to a child. Unfortunately it is all too common.
I don't feel like I need a play by play of what happens with my children and their father when they are there every other weekend. Do they tell me what they did? Yes, they want to share. Do I ask them or pry to 'spy' on my ex? Absolutely not. That is a practice that my ex and I both do make the children feel more comfortable. Nothing is worse than putting a child in the middle. In Iowa, it is mandated that a class is taken on this before a divorce is final (not that most parents really gather anything from it if it doesn't suit their needs) It doesn't concern me if he takes them places or buys them things. I have even went as far as giving him money and ideas for thing for the kids that they have said they would like to do. All I truly care about is that they have a good time and feel loved no matter what parent they are with. Pretty odd concept, huh?
The game I refuse to play is the 'out buying' the other parent. Frankly, I would win because of the money I make and the way we handle our finances, that certainly doesn't mean that we go into a bidding war over the kids. My fiance and I do put our children's wants and needs before our own, but we certainly don't buy their affections. That often results in going to movies that they would like to see before we get a chance to see a movie that we would like to see. They get clothes and shoes before we do. Family entertainment takes precedent over 'adult' entertainment. We would really like to take a trip to Omaha and do things as a couple, but that will just have to wait a while because we have kids 7 days a week. We could have easily spent money on going out, but we bought a pool for the kids instead. When we do buy things for them it is things that will last, not some fleeting fancy of a toy that will quickly be forgotten and tossed into the pile. I also do NOT give into a case of the gimmes. Just because we are at the store, doesn't mean they get something.
There are better ways to make children feel loved than by slinging gifts at them. We do things together as a family - walks, gardening, playing games, feeding the geese, playing at the park, cooking and chores and they LOVE it! They don't get ignored for the tv, the computer or to socialize with someone else. They are included and encouraged. We don't shove our own personal agendas and ideas down their gullets, we let them decide what it is they like and take interest in. It is tough to let them do their own thing, but they feel so much more confident when they do. They will feel open with a parent if they don't feel like they have to 'perform' or put on an act.
This sick obsession that parents have with getting to do something 'first' or more with their child or children is pretty repulsive emotionally. That is a sign that a parent is living vicariously through a child. That is a role reversal, the parent is acting more like a child. Being secure in your place with your child is important to them. That offers them the freedom of happiness no matter where they are and who they are with. Don't act like a selfish child about your child, act like a grown up that just wants them to be happy. You will be giving them the best gift that money can't buy - love.
This weekend we have plans (we always have plans) and they include all of our kids and still serve nourishing our adult side as well. Friday night is always night out for us. We are going to do a little shopping, have some dinner and go see 'Brave' a new Pixar movie. Saturday morning is always the Farmer's Market - complete with yummy goodness, balloon animals, plants and entertainment. Every other Saturday is a cookout at our house with friends - roughly 20 people or so. They all bring their kids, we eat my awesome food, have conversation and laughs, the kids play and no one has to drink to have a good time. We are going to try to squeeze in some time this weekend at one or both of the art fests in town. Not to mention, the on-going commitment to the yard improvement. Not one of those plans is about buying our kids or who does it better, faster or more. Every single one of them is about the memories we can make, the love we can show and the laughs we can have.
Treat your child like a child and give yourself the respect of being a parent. Do it for the right reasons - not to be first. This is parenting, not a race.
Children of divorce have a whole set of different rules to live by. One of the saddest ones that I have seen and personally experienced is this bullshit notion that a parent thinks they have to 'out-do' the other parent. If the child or children of that relationship loves one parent more than the other, they win right? That is an awful way to ultimately treat a person like a possession, something that we should NEVER do to a child. Unfortunately it is all too common.
I don't feel like I need a play by play of what happens with my children and their father when they are there every other weekend. Do they tell me what they did? Yes, they want to share. Do I ask them or pry to 'spy' on my ex? Absolutely not. That is a practice that my ex and I both do make the children feel more comfortable. Nothing is worse than putting a child in the middle. In Iowa, it is mandated that a class is taken on this before a divorce is final (not that most parents really gather anything from it if it doesn't suit their needs) It doesn't concern me if he takes them places or buys them things. I have even went as far as giving him money and ideas for thing for the kids that they have said they would like to do. All I truly care about is that they have a good time and feel loved no matter what parent they are with. Pretty odd concept, huh?
The game I refuse to play is the 'out buying' the other parent. Frankly, I would win because of the money I make and the way we handle our finances, that certainly doesn't mean that we go into a bidding war over the kids. My fiance and I do put our children's wants and needs before our own, but we certainly don't buy their affections. That often results in going to movies that they would like to see before we get a chance to see a movie that we would like to see. They get clothes and shoes before we do. Family entertainment takes precedent over 'adult' entertainment. We would really like to take a trip to Omaha and do things as a couple, but that will just have to wait a while because we have kids 7 days a week. We could have easily spent money on going out, but we bought a pool for the kids instead. When we do buy things for them it is things that will last, not some fleeting fancy of a toy that will quickly be forgotten and tossed into the pile. I also do NOT give into a case of the gimmes. Just because we are at the store, doesn't mean they get something.
There are better ways to make children feel loved than by slinging gifts at them. We do things together as a family - walks, gardening, playing games, feeding the geese, playing at the park, cooking and chores and they LOVE it! They don't get ignored for the tv, the computer or to socialize with someone else. They are included and encouraged. We don't shove our own personal agendas and ideas down their gullets, we let them decide what it is they like and take interest in. It is tough to let them do their own thing, but they feel so much more confident when they do. They will feel open with a parent if they don't feel like they have to 'perform' or put on an act.
This sick obsession that parents have with getting to do something 'first' or more with their child or children is pretty repulsive emotionally. That is a sign that a parent is living vicariously through a child. That is a role reversal, the parent is acting more like a child. Being secure in your place with your child is important to them. That offers them the freedom of happiness no matter where they are and who they are with. Don't act like a selfish child about your child, act like a grown up that just wants them to be happy. You will be giving them the best gift that money can't buy - love.
This weekend we have plans (we always have plans) and they include all of our kids and still serve nourishing our adult side as well. Friday night is always night out for us. We are going to do a little shopping, have some dinner and go see 'Brave' a new Pixar movie. Saturday morning is always the Farmer's Market - complete with yummy goodness, balloon animals, plants and entertainment. Every other Saturday is a cookout at our house with friends - roughly 20 people or so. They all bring their kids, we eat my awesome food, have conversation and laughs, the kids play and no one has to drink to have a good time. We are going to try to squeeze in some time this weekend at one or both of the art fests in town. Not to mention, the on-going commitment to the yard improvement. Not one of those plans is about buying our kids or who does it better, faster or more. Every single one of them is about the memories we can make, the love we can show and the laughs we can have.
Treat your child like a child and give yourself the respect of being a parent. Do it for the right reasons - not to be first. This is parenting, not a race.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Milking It For All It's Worth
I am doing so major revamping to my appearance right now. The renewed commitment to overall health and well-being has me thinking about a few things.
It started about 3 weeks ago with adding tanning back into my schedule. I do not like taking 15 minutes a day for myself, it just seems selfish. That has been curbed some by taking a break at work and hitting the bed during the workday so that I am not skipping out on the kids or the man in my life. Tanning, healthy? Not for all people and in moderation. Sometimes because of my pancreas issues, I experience a core temperature that is well below the average 98.6 F. The 12 minutes of warmth is enough to hold that at bay. My skin is firmer and clearer now (you can tan and not look like leather) I can tolerate time in the sun much easier and there tends to be a lot of that. There is the obvious added benefit of feeling better about myself. That alone encouraged a lot of other changes.
Water, water everywhere. I drink it, lots of it. I cut out soda which was amazingly easy for a self-admitted caffeine addict. Once I nixed the soda, that is when water came in with a vengeance. There is a water cooler in my office that I have been assaulting lately, somewhere to the tune of a gallon a day. That has been an amazing appetite suppressant, as it always is. Fast food? No thanks. I don't really have an issue with wanting fast food to begin with. Greasy, disgusting food rarely appeals to me (unless it's pizza). I am quite skilled in the kitchen and often have friends clamoring to eat items of 'culinary whimsy' so I would much rather bring leftovers to work than punish myself by ordering out of a clown's face.
Now for my first big test - 3 day Watermelon Cleanse. It starts tomorrow, following a 2 day fast that I have been on. I hate crash dieting, I did it. It produces results and quickly, but in the long run it is an awful idea. Just to make it perfectly clear, THIS IS NOT A CRASH DIET. It is a cleanse that will be used to boost my body and clear it of toxins. After the 3 day cleanse, it will be time to start adding food back in slowly. A smaller stomach and better food choices hopefully will get me to my desired goal.
My goal? 60 lbs down from where I was a week ago. That puts me at a reasonable weight and healthy BMI. Am I ever going to be 'skinny'? Hell no. I am just under 6 feet tall, with farm girl shoulders and track runners legs. Petite or emaciated are not in my capabilities. Once upon a time, I lost about 100 pounds. I didn't do it the right way and it resulted in me eventually gaining a lot of it back. While I will be going back to some of the things that worked for me like spin class, walking, lots of water and a heavy ab routine. I will not be returning to the unhealthy things that worked for me but in the end were not of any good consequence - starving myself, getting sick, massive amounts of energy drinks and body obsession. Body obsessed women are usually condescending, bitchy, self-absorbed drones that are so insecure that they worry about it to the extent of being a bore. Not on any list of appealing attributes for me.
What does the title have to do with any of this? An epiphany happened a few nights ago in a joking conversation had between me and the man in my life. There was a joke about old people and how they are all lactose intolerant. There is a reason most people become lactose intolerant as adults. We aren't meant to consume large doses of dairy. We are mammals, we are omnivores. That means we are meant to consume animal meats and vegetation. We aren't cows, so why are we all consuming cow milk? When was the last time you heard of any other mammal drinking milk as an adult? Don't tell me cats, because it makes them sick too. Ask your vet...cats + cow milk = diarrhea. You don't see that, because they know they aren't supposed to. Animal instinct is an amazing thing! Don't get me started on soy milk, coconut milk or almond milk - those aren't milks, those are juices. All of this health consciousness has led me to something I am sure the household might not like. Limited dairy. Yogurts will still be available, low fat and natural cheeses will still be in the fridge. Finding a gallon of ice cream in there is not going to happen, nor is there going to be milk at every meal. Calcium can be supplemented in other ways that won't wreck the digestive system. I will be healthier and I will not be milking it for all it's worth.
It started about 3 weeks ago with adding tanning back into my schedule. I do not like taking 15 minutes a day for myself, it just seems selfish. That has been curbed some by taking a break at work and hitting the bed during the workday so that I am not skipping out on the kids or the man in my life. Tanning, healthy? Not for all people and in moderation. Sometimes because of my pancreas issues, I experience a core temperature that is well below the average 98.6 F. The 12 minutes of warmth is enough to hold that at bay. My skin is firmer and clearer now (you can tan and not look like leather) I can tolerate time in the sun much easier and there tends to be a lot of that. There is the obvious added benefit of feeling better about myself. That alone encouraged a lot of other changes.
Water, water everywhere. I drink it, lots of it. I cut out soda which was amazingly easy for a self-admitted caffeine addict. Once I nixed the soda, that is when water came in with a vengeance. There is a water cooler in my office that I have been assaulting lately, somewhere to the tune of a gallon a day. That has been an amazing appetite suppressant, as it always is. Fast food? No thanks. I don't really have an issue with wanting fast food to begin with. Greasy, disgusting food rarely appeals to me (unless it's pizza). I am quite skilled in the kitchen and often have friends clamoring to eat items of 'culinary whimsy' so I would much rather bring leftovers to work than punish myself by ordering out of a clown's face.
Now for my first big test - 3 day Watermelon Cleanse. It starts tomorrow, following a 2 day fast that I have been on. I hate crash dieting, I did it. It produces results and quickly, but in the long run it is an awful idea. Just to make it perfectly clear, THIS IS NOT A CRASH DIET. It is a cleanse that will be used to boost my body and clear it of toxins. After the 3 day cleanse, it will be time to start adding food back in slowly. A smaller stomach and better food choices hopefully will get me to my desired goal.
My goal? 60 lbs down from where I was a week ago. That puts me at a reasonable weight and healthy BMI. Am I ever going to be 'skinny'? Hell no. I am just under 6 feet tall, with farm girl shoulders and track runners legs. Petite or emaciated are not in my capabilities. Once upon a time, I lost about 100 pounds. I didn't do it the right way and it resulted in me eventually gaining a lot of it back. While I will be going back to some of the things that worked for me like spin class, walking, lots of water and a heavy ab routine. I will not be returning to the unhealthy things that worked for me but in the end were not of any good consequence - starving myself, getting sick, massive amounts of energy drinks and body obsession. Body obsessed women are usually condescending, bitchy, self-absorbed drones that are so insecure that they worry about it to the extent of being a bore. Not on any list of appealing attributes for me.
What does the title have to do with any of this? An epiphany happened a few nights ago in a joking conversation had between me and the man in my life. There was a joke about old people and how they are all lactose intolerant. There is a reason most people become lactose intolerant as adults. We aren't meant to consume large doses of dairy. We are mammals, we are omnivores. That means we are meant to consume animal meats and vegetation. We aren't cows, so why are we all consuming cow milk? When was the last time you heard of any other mammal drinking milk as an adult? Don't tell me cats, because it makes them sick too. Ask your vet...cats + cow milk = diarrhea. You don't see that, because they know they aren't supposed to. Animal instinct is an amazing thing! Don't get me started on soy milk, coconut milk or almond milk - those aren't milks, those are juices. All of this health consciousness has led me to something I am sure the household might not like. Limited dairy. Yogurts will still be available, low fat and natural cheeses will still be in the fridge. Finding a gallon of ice cream in there is not going to happen, nor is there going to be milk at every meal. Calcium can be supplemented in other ways that won't wreck the digestive system. I will be healthier and I will not be milking it for all it's worth.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Gut Feeling
Intuition is a powerful tool. It shouldn't be wielded unless you are ready for the repercussions of finding out the truth.
Trust your gut, it is one of the few animal instincts we have not thoroughly muted. We spend so much time not being in tune, being disconnected to our nature while we are socially connected to every outlet, that intuition seems foreign. It is scary to believe that there is something out there that eludes us to that which we do not directly know.
There is far more to us than we give ourselves credit for. We are an energy source (that is what all carbon based life forms are) That means that we transmit waves of energy and we can receive them as well. Admittedly, this all sounds a little crazy. I am a huge science buff and have done the critical thinking as to why we have deja vu or 'gut feeling' and this is where it has led me. Surely, most of you have had a 'hunch' or 'sneaking suspicion' and those are there to warn you. It is our heightened mental awareness that prepares us for what is to come.
As highly evolved animals (I use that term lightly, mind you) our awareness has given us the same sense as it does other animals. Frequently animals can predict earthquakes, volcano eruptions and storms. Why is it that we would be any less likely to posses coming turbulence? So often, it is easy enough to ignore signs and signals that others send. It is much harder to attach yourself to the environment you are surrounded by - including the other people in it. That kind of connection can lead to more than someone is ready for. It definitely has for me. Knowing that something ill is coming, that impending doom is an awful feeling.
It is high time to trust my gut, that is the only thing I can trust.
Trust your gut, it is one of the few animal instincts we have not thoroughly muted. We spend so much time not being in tune, being disconnected to our nature while we are socially connected to every outlet, that intuition seems foreign. It is scary to believe that there is something out there that eludes us to that which we do not directly know.
There is far more to us than we give ourselves credit for. We are an energy source (that is what all carbon based life forms are) That means that we transmit waves of energy and we can receive them as well. Admittedly, this all sounds a little crazy. I am a huge science buff and have done the critical thinking as to why we have deja vu or 'gut feeling' and this is where it has led me. Surely, most of you have had a 'hunch' or 'sneaking suspicion' and those are there to warn you. It is our heightened mental awareness that prepares us for what is to come.
As highly evolved animals (I use that term lightly, mind you) our awareness has given us the same sense as it does other animals. Frequently animals can predict earthquakes, volcano eruptions and storms. Why is it that we would be any less likely to posses coming turbulence? So often, it is easy enough to ignore signs and signals that others send. It is much harder to attach yourself to the environment you are surrounded by - including the other people in it. That kind of connection can lead to more than someone is ready for. It definitely has for me. Knowing that something ill is coming, that impending doom is an awful feeling.
It is high time to trust my gut, that is the only thing I can trust.
Friday, June 15, 2012
Has Anybody Seen My Mind?
It's that time again, shaktipat. For those of you who don't know, I am a highly spiritual person. I am not loud about it and I definitely don't go preaching to others. I do try to live genuinely and with grace where I can. Shaktipat is a transference of energy from one individual to another. It can produce a myriad of emotions. With Summer Solstice rapidly approaching, it is time for another brush with the Kundalini.
The last time I openly submitted myself to a shaktipat, I had some very impressive results and worked through several issues. The results were amazing and the changes were positive for me and others around me. I admit that this time I am having much more trouble opening up and allowing vulnerability to the process. It is an internal battle with my will and my desire. My desire is to feel love, grace and joy to be accepting of that. My will wants control and direct. It is a battle of the ages and I am not sure who is going to win.
I have regressed lately. I returned to shutting down and not talking. It's comfortable there. No one can bother you in your thoughts if they aren't included. When you live as a mother, companion, friend - there is often very little that you have that is personal. That want to have something for myself has resulted in me being selfish with my thoughts and feelings. It is an extreme form of introversion, one I would like very much to change. My problem is fighting ego. Being emotionally open feels so raw, so naked, so exposed. It's not that I don't have people to open up to, some have even gone as far as to offer themselves up as a sounding board or place to vent. While I am comfortable in the role of the person listening, I am not very comfortable being the orator.
While I can't speak for everyone who 'shuts down' I know that I do it because I begin to feel too much. It's a sort of sensory overload. My natural demeanor is calm, almost tranquil. (Can you be tranquil while laughing uproariously?) I don't like to create turbulence, so letting emotions out risks releasing turbulence. You know how someone asks what you are thinking or feeling? If I respond 'nothing or I don't want to talk about it right now' that is usually greeted with a 'you can tell me, I won't get mad'. No one can guarantee that they won't be upset if they don't know what you are thinking. The key is to control my own reaction to someone else's reaction.; *sigh* tall task there.
The other part about this spiritual journey that I am embarking on over the next month or so is the fact that it involves facing my fears, weaknesses and faults. It is like staring down the barrel of a loaded, semi-automatic 12 gauge and seeing how rapidly the trigger can be pulled. The faults I have looked at pretty long and hard at and I have accepted those, amending them where I could. My weaknesses are readily apparent as well. I am working on strengthening myself. I want a better resolve and fortitude. The fears, oh the fears...this is my struggle. I look at them, the variables, the possible outcomes and I still find the uncertainty frightening. I don't even want to admit my fears, let alone experience them or live them. I want to survive them. I want a harrowing tale of triumph instead of the quiet ambivalence that I subscribe to now.
This fear of the unknown, the inability to direct or guide the outcomes, the vulnerability of accepting love - it isn't going to control me. I am going to face this fear. Just let me gather my thoughts first so I know how to do it. Has anybody seen my mind?
The last time I openly submitted myself to a shaktipat, I had some very impressive results and worked through several issues. The results were amazing and the changes were positive for me and others around me. I admit that this time I am having much more trouble opening up and allowing vulnerability to the process. It is an internal battle with my will and my desire. My desire is to feel love, grace and joy to be accepting of that. My will wants control and direct. It is a battle of the ages and I am not sure who is going to win.
I have regressed lately. I returned to shutting down and not talking. It's comfortable there. No one can bother you in your thoughts if they aren't included. When you live as a mother, companion, friend - there is often very little that you have that is personal. That want to have something for myself has resulted in me being selfish with my thoughts and feelings. It is an extreme form of introversion, one I would like very much to change. My problem is fighting ego. Being emotionally open feels so raw, so naked, so exposed. It's not that I don't have people to open up to, some have even gone as far as to offer themselves up as a sounding board or place to vent. While I am comfortable in the role of the person listening, I am not very comfortable being the orator.
While I can't speak for everyone who 'shuts down' I know that I do it because I begin to feel too much. It's a sort of sensory overload. My natural demeanor is calm, almost tranquil. (Can you be tranquil while laughing uproariously?) I don't like to create turbulence, so letting emotions out risks releasing turbulence. You know how someone asks what you are thinking or feeling? If I respond 'nothing or I don't want to talk about it right now' that is usually greeted with a 'you can tell me, I won't get mad'. No one can guarantee that they won't be upset if they don't know what you are thinking. The key is to control my own reaction to someone else's reaction.; *sigh* tall task there.
The other part about this spiritual journey that I am embarking on over the next month or so is the fact that it involves facing my fears, weaknesses and faults. It is like staring down the barrel of a loaded, semi-automatic 12 gauge and seeing how rapidly the trigger can be pulled. The faults I have looked at pretty long and hard at and I have accepted those, amending them where I could. My weaknesses are readily apparent as well. I am working on strengthening myself. I want a better resolve and fortitude. The fears, oh the fears...this is my struggle. I look at them, the variables, the possible outcomes and I still find the uncertainty frightening. I don't even want to admit my fears, let alone experience them or live them. I want to survive them. I want a harrowing tale of triumph instead of the quiet ambivalence that I subscribe to now.
This fear of the unknown, the inability to direct or guide the outcomes, the vulnerability of accepting love - it isn't going to control me. I am going to face this fear. Just let me gather my thoughts first so I know how to do it. Has anybody seen my mind?
Monday, June 11, 2012
Break Up Hair
This is dedicated to all of those men and especially women who have done this, the stylists who have suffered from bat shit crazy insecure clients and to the rest of us that get a good laugh at your expense. nothing says nut job like a bad dye job.
We have all seen it - drastic cuts or color changes, sudden emergence of bangs. Nothing says unstable like ripping your appearance apart because someone rejected you. Rejection hurts, no doubt about that, but why give someone else the power to tell you that you aren't good enough? Making yourself look ridiculous with changes to your hair sure isn't the way to do it. You left your hair the way it was during the relationship because you knew it looked good on you and felt confident in that. What is the purpose of turning yourself into something laughable because your relationship didn't work? What I find even more curious is the defiance factor - my ex would never allow me to do this with my looks, so I am going to do it now. Why did you allow someone else to determine how YOU look?
I change my hair constantly, but not out of rejection. I change it to do something new and fun and because occasionally my health deems it necessary. I am happy in my relationship and that gives me the confidence to make changes in my appearance. I don't want my partner becoming bored with me. I also know that the happier I am with myself, the happier my relationship will be. (strange concept)
What ultimately makes relationships fail is not physical appearance, so why does someone think that is the answer when things go wrong? Maybe your sex life wasn't bad because you were fat, maybe it was because you were a prude. Was it your long hair that made your communication bad, Samson? Or was it your unwillingness to be open? Did your hair color ruin your relationship or was it your insecurities?
We should never allow someone else to tell us how to look. Likewise, we should never allow ourselves to blame our lousy relationship on our looks. If you keep having relationships that fail, stop looking to physical means to make your next one better. Make yourself better before you get into another relationship. If your claim to fame is that you act completely insane, no relationship is going to last. No amount of stomach crunches, kettle bells or bad dye jobs can change that. Get yourself to the real workout, I mean the tough stuff. Find out whatever it is about YOU that is causing this rejection and breakups, stop blaming superficial means for a problem that is about personality. The crass saying goes "For every beautiful woman out there, there is a man tired of putting up with her shit". No matter what your physical appearance is, you have to be beautiful on the inside to be truly desirable. Instead of giving your looks a makeover, give your emotions and spirit a makeover. While I do appreciate a good laugh, the world could do with a few less bad 'dos' or don'ts if you will.
We have all seen it - drastic cuts or color changes, sudden emergence of bangs. Nothing says unstable like ripping your appearance apart because someone rejected you. Rejection hurts, no doubt about that, but why give someone else the power to tell you that you aren't good enough? Making yourself look ridiculous with changes to your hair sure isn't the way to do it. You left your hair the way it was during the relationship because you knew it looked good on you and felt confident in that. What is the purpose of turning yourself into something laughable because your relationship didn't work? What I find even more curious is the defiance factor - my ex would never allow me to do this with my looks, so I am going to do it now. Why did you allow someone else to determine how YOU look?
I change my hair constantly, but not out of rejection. I change it to do something new and fun and because occasionally my health deems it necessary. I am happy in my relationship and that gives me the confidence to make changes in my appearance. I don't want my partner becoming bored with me. I also know that the happier I am with myself, the happier my relationship will be. (strange concept)
What ultimately makes relationships fail is not physical appearance, so why does someone think that is the answer when things go wrong? Maybe your sex life wasn't bad because you were fat, maybe it was because you were a prude. Was it your long hair that made your communication bad, Samson? Or was it your unwillingness to be open? Did your hair color ruin your relationship or was it your insecurities?
We should never allow someone else to tell us how to look. Likewise, we should never allow ourselves to blame our lousy relationship on our looks. If you keep having relationships that fail, stop looking to physical means to make your next one better. Make yourself better before you get into another relationship. If your claim to fame is that you act completely insane, no relationship is going to last. No amount of stomach crunches, kettle bells or bad dye jobs can change that. Get yourself to the real workout, I mean the tough stuff. Find out whatever it is about YOU that is causing this rejection and breakups, stop blaming superficial means for a problem that is about personality. The crass saying goes "For every beautiful woman out there, there is a man tired of putting up with her shit". No matter what your physical appearance is, you have to be beautiful on the inside to be truly desirable. Instead of giving your looks a makeover, give your emotions and spirit a makeover. While I do appreciate a good laugh, the world could do with a few less bad 'dos' or don'ts if you will.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
We Are Young
This song has caught my ire in a BIG way. I listen to the music that my kids listen to, not because I like it, but to be familiar with it. There is a lot of reasoning behind it (Queen of Reason? A later posting) This song's message and popularity has me a bit disturbed. Allow, if you will, a print out of the lyrics:
Give me a second I,
I need to get my story straight
My friends are in the bathroom getting higher than the Empire State
My lover she’s waiting for me just across the bar
My seat’s been taken by some sunglasses asking 'bout a scar, and
I know I gave it to you months ago
I know you’re trying to forget
But between the drinks and subtle things
The holes in my apologies, you know
I’m trying hard to take it back
So if by the time the bar closes
And you feel like falling down
I’ll carry you home
Tonight
We are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun
Tonight
We are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun
Now I know that I’m not
All that you got
I guess that I, I just thought
Maybe we could find new ways to fall apart
But our friends are back
So let’s raise a cup
‘Cause I found someone to carry me home
Tonight
We are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun
Tonight
We are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun
Carry me home tonight (Nananananana)
Just carry me home tonight (Nananananana)
Carry me home tonight (Nananananana)
Just carry me home tonight (Nananananana)
The moon is on my side
I have no reason to run
So will someone come and carry me home tonight
The angels never arrived
But I can hear the choir
So will someone come and carry me home
Tonight
We are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun
Tonight
We are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun
So if by the time the bar closes
And you feel like falling down
I’ll carry you home tonight
Give me a second I,
I need to get my story straight
My friends are in the bathroom getting higher than the Empire State
My lover she’s waiting for me just across the bar
My seat’s been taken by some sunglasses asking 'bout a scar, and
I know I gave it to you months ago
I know you’re trying to forget
But between the drinks and subtle things
The holes in my apologies, you know
I’m trying hard to take it back
So if by the time the bar closes
And you feel like falling down
I’ll carry you home
Tonight
We are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun
Tonight
We are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun
Now I know that I’m not
All that you got
I guess that I, I just thought
Maybe we could find new ways to fall apart
But our friends are back
So let’s raise a cup
‘Cause I found someone to carry me home
Tonight
We are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun
Tonight
We are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun
Carry me home tonight (Nananananana)
Just carry me home tonight (Nananananana)
Carry me home tonight (Nananananana)
Just carry me home tonight (Nananananana)
The moon is on my side
I have no reason to run
So will someone come and carry me home tonight
The angels never arrived
But I can hear the choir
So will someone come and carry me home
Tonight
We are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun
Tonight
We are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun
So if by the time the bar closes
And you feel like falling down
I’ll carry you home tonight
Now that we have the lyrics posted, let's break this down a bit. Lying is right off the bat - give me a second I need to get my story straight. Straight into drug abuse in the next line - my friends are in the bathroom getting higher than the empire state. Physical abuse - my seat's been taken by some sunglasses asking bout a scar. Deceitfulness - but between the drinks and the subtle things, the holes in my apologies. Great, you said sorry and really didn't mean it. Cheating - I know that I'm not all that you've got. Binge drinking - so by the time the bar closes and you feel like falling down, I'll carry you home tonight.
All of this is topped off with the anthem of reckless abandon. Tonight, we are young, so let's set the world on fire. We can burn brighter than the sun. This has become the hit song of the early summer and people everywhere are eating it up. I can't turn the radio station without hearing this song and it has me concerned about the message it sends for the sake of being popular.
We all stumble and fall along the way, we all make mistakes but to make them out to be something of valor for popularity is truly disappointing. This should be a running list of what NOT to. During our youth and maturing process, many of these issues arise and are suffered. What is the worst part is that it is treated all as right of passage passe. The message is that it's not only ok, but fun (That's the band's name - Fun) This isn't fun, deprecation of self and character to be cool and popular.
The song is catchy and it becomes imbedded in your ears from the media overexposure. While I think some of the lyrics are paid attention to, it's the ending that seems to pass people by. The angels never arrived, but I can hear the choir. That eludes to all of the debauchery getting the ultimate best of the writer - death. We are not as invincible as we would believe to be in our youth. There is no eternal flame that sets our spirit ablaze and leaves us forever in remembrance. I, for one, wouldn't want to be remembered for the folly of my youth. I would much rather be remembered for my maturity and strides I have made past that crazed youth.
Today, I am old.
I want to do responsible things
like housework and going to my job
I am too tired to stay up late
Can I just take a nap?
Yeah, my song doesn't have as much pizzazz. It isn't looking for popularity and isn't catchy. That's ok though, I am not looking to impress anyone. Impress yourself with how far you have come instead of living in some fleeting youth. Growing old can be graceful and beautiful <3
Today, I am old.
I want to do responsible things
like housework and going to my job
I am too tired to stay up late
Can I just take a nap?
Yeah, my song doesn't have as much pizzazz. It isn't looking for popularity and isn't catchy. That's ok though, I am not looking to impress anyone. Impress yourself with how far you have come instead of living in some fleeting youth. Growing old can be graceful and beautiful <3
Monday, June 4, 2012
Summa Summa Summatime
The school year has ended here for all of the kids. That only means 1 thing - the unofficial start of summer. I have some plans for the summer (no surprise there, I plan EVERYTHING!) Planning does not exclude me from spontaneity though, some of our best 'plans' are spontaneous.Most of my recent plans have revolved around gardening - my addiction/passion.
Gardening, oh how I LOVE gardening! There are a lot of improvements that need done to the land on the property and I am definitely the gal up for the task. Last summer, the fiance and I started the work that will need to continue over the next few years until the space is thoroughly revamped into a family friendly and functional space. We put in 150 hostas that were reclaimed from my childhood farmsted last August, that was the first big project we did together. I am not talking about me sitting there watching him do all the work either, I don't believe in that. Want some feminism? Try some REAL equality. I am talking about 100+ degree weather, me running a shovel, slicing into the earth to save some dying plants. Chad is pulling the plants and carrying them to their awaiting chariot of a 1998 Chey pick up. The following day, planting them in a space that was riddled with weeds in the pouring down rain - yeah, that kind of equality and improvement together. Seeing them flourish this year has been a joy for both of us.
Synopsis of the projects done this year so far:
Revitalized the roses (honestly, I did that last summer, but this year - Whoa!) The are on their second full bloom of the year and have grown 6 inches in the last year. Talk about serious improvement :)
Altering the front flower beds into more than just a haven for weeds and the roses. This was another project that we started last year. We took the old wood chip mulch out (terrible to have next to the house, it brings in pests and insect - no thanks) and rocked it with repurposed rock from another part of the property. We also tore up the nonsensically placed pavers and added a few to the front beds so that we could place pots there. This year the beds have had some heavy planting done to them. We added correopsis, lollipop lilies, asiatic lilies, tiny ghost lilies, elephant ears, hen and chicks, geum and sunflowers. We took out the hideous, black scalloped edging and replaced it with a natural rock border. More improvements to come!
Raised vegetable gardens. This was a project we started talking about last year, but knew we had to wait until this year to execute it. There was a chicken coop that sat empty on one of the spots. One of the previous residents had chickens and did take care of them, so they died, leaving an empty chicken coop. What to do with it? REPURPOSE! The chicken coop has become our compost bin (a large one at that) and the base has become one of our raised vegetable gardens. We added some poles and screen for the green beans to climb, making it a very useful space, even though it is small. There are 3 tomato plants in there, 7 varieties of peppers and 6 hills of zucchini squash (green and yellow). Not a bad start for the first year. Did I happen to mention that Chad built another raised garden? Yeah, he is totally my handy man :) We have planted about 30 strawberries in it, watermelon and pumpkins. Next year, we will be adding a couple more to complete the space that was virtually unusable to a sustainable space for our family.
Berry patch and vineyard - this project is just beginning and will take a bit more work than the other projects we have done. We have the strawberries, rhubarb and black raspberries so far. Still to acquire: blueberries, black berries, red raspberries and a couple of different varieties of grapes. Chad and our friend will be building the pergola trellis entrance to it (if I don't find one to purchase that I like) and we will be paving a path through it. Add the tearing out of some invasive tree species and leveling and it's complete.
East side container, paver and rock bed: Chad tore out the rain barrels that he installed at one point in time because they were never used for their original purpose and ended up clogging the downspouts. The old lumber was removed and the surface scraped down. Pavers have been added for planters, which have also been already added. Grass seed has been laid down and now we just need to rock it in. Better drainage in a shady spot? Yes, please!
Driveway random placement of retaining wall blocks: Sometimes I swear the previous owners just stuck things somewhere because they didn't know what else to do with it. This is a prime example. There was about 15 feet of retaining wall blocks running partially along the West driveway. Not the complete length of the lawn and a disaster waiting to happen for someone's tire. We tore those out a couple of weeks ago and repurposed the blocks over to the East driveway where a flower bed with spirea and weigela reside. The railroad ties had begun collapsing and were infested. Two projects in one :) Now the drive on the West is lined with celosia, begonias, vinca and dusty miller. Did his bright little spark ever have fun putting those in!
Oak tree/deck area: This was another one that started last year and is in the process of being perfected this year. Along with the hostas that were reclaimed from the farmsted, I also kept a couple of heirloom lilies. The were my great grandmas and I desperately wanted them to stay in the family.One of the towers above 6 foot right now, with tons of 'babies' sprouting up. Some silver creeper came along for the ride, guess that is going to stay. A winter hardy hibiscus was also salvaged from the farmsted. Joining them this year are purple gladiolas, zebra grass and purple larkspur.
Potted plants? Yeah, we have those <chuckle> The planting thing is a serious addiction. I won't apologize for it at all, I am quite proud of all the work we put in. The kids love gardening, especially Autumn Rosalie. They are eager to help and potted plants often see the quickest results for them. Potted plant run down list? Sure, let's just show how deep this sickness runs: canna lilies (3 different types), salvia, begonias (3 different types), coleus (2 kinds), pansies (3 kinds), violas, lobelia, petunias (4 kinds), asparagus fern, 2 different kinds of vinca, celosia, latana, 3 different varieties of impatients, gladiolas, 3 kinds of begonias, marigold (volunteer) spike (reclaimed), hen and chicks (trailing in a hanging basket), snapdragons and calla lillies. I probably forgot a few that will have to be mentioned later.
Herb Garden? I have one of those too! (Did you really think I wouldn't?!) Peppermint, basil, rosemary, thyme, oregano and chives. Those are the staples for the season. They are placed so that they are accessible to the grill and the kitchen.
Only one project has been started without a lot of real progress, the NE corner of the house. We put in about 20 feet of pampass grass last summer that is taking off well right now. The rest of the space needs a lot of revamping before we can really do anything with it. It is going to require terracing and paving. Plant plans are grass varieties, hollyhocks, lupines, delphiniums, foxgloves and succulents. We plan on creating our own paths, scattering large rocks and giving it a country feel. Maybe I will learn to take before and after photos at some point, it would be incredible to see all the progress we have made.
Back to the 40 and the Oregon Trail! See you off the beaten path!
Gardening, oh how I LOVE gardening! There are a lot of improvements that need done to the land on the property and I am definitely the gal up for the task. Last summer, the fiance and I started the work that will need to continue over the next few years until the space is thoroughly revamped into a family friendly and functional space. We put in 150 hostas that were reclaimed from my childhood farmsted last August, that was the first big project we did together. I am not talking about me sitting there watching him do all the work either, I don't believe in that. Want some feminism? Try some REAL equality. I am talking about 100+ degree weather, me running a shovel, slicing into the earth to save some dying plants. Chad is pulling the plants and carrying them to their awaiting chariot of a 1998 Chey pick up. The following day, planting them in a space that was riddled with weeds in the pouring down rain - yeah, that kind of equality and improvement together. Seeing them flourish this year has been a joy for both of us.
Synopsis of the projects done this year so far:
Revitalized the roses (honestly, I did that last summer, but this year - Whoa!) The are on their second full bloom of the year and have grown 6 inches in the last year. Talk about serious improvement :)
Altering the front flower beds into more than just a haven for weeds and the roses. This was another project that we started last year. We took the old wood chip mulch out (terrible to have next to the house, it brings in pests and insect - no thanks) and rocked it with repurposed rock from another part of the property. We also tore up the nonsensically placed pavers and added a few to the front beds so that we could place pots there. This year the beds have had some heavy planting done to them. We added correopsis, lollipop lilies, asiatic lilies, tiny ghost lilies, elephant ears, hen and chicks, geum and sunflowers. We took out the hideous, black scalloped edging and replaced it with a natural rock border. More improvements to come!
Raised vegetable gardens. This was a project we started talking about last year, but knew we had to wait until this year to execute it. There was a chicken coop that sat empty on one of the spots. One of the previous residents had chickens and did take care of them, so they died, leaving an empty chicken coop. What to do with it? REPURPOSE! The chicken coop has become our compost bin (a large one at that) and the base has become one of our raised vegetable gardens. We added some poles and screen for the green beans to climb, making it a very useful space, even though it is small. There are 3 tomato plants in there, 7 varieties of peppers and 6 hills of zucchini squash (green and yellow). Not a bad start for the first year. Did I happen to mention that Chad built another raised garden? Yeah, he is totally my handy man :) We have planted about 30 strawberries in it, watermelon and pumpkins. Next year, we will be adding a couple more to complete the space that was virtually unusable to a sustainable space for our family.
Berry patch and vineyard - this project is just beginning and will take a bit more work than the other projects we have done. We have the strawberries, rhubarb and black raspberries so far. Still to acquire: blueberries, black berries, red raspberries and a couple of different varieties of grapes. Chad and our friend will be building the pergola trellis entrance to it (if I don't find one to purchase that I like) and we will be paving a path through it. Add the tearing out of some invasive tree species and leveling and it's complete.
East side container, paver and rock bed: Chad tore out the rain barrels that he installed at one point in time because they were never used for their original purpose and ended up clogging the downspouts. The old lumber was removed and the surface scraped down. Pavers have been added for planters, which have also been already added. Grass seed has been laid down and now we just need to rock it in. Better drainage in a shady spot? Yes, please!
Driveway random placement of retaining wall blocks: Sometimes I swear the previous owners just stuck things somewhere because they didn't know what else to do with it. This is a prime example. There was about 15 feet of retaining wall blocks running partially along the West driveway. Not the complete length of the lawn and a disaster waiting to happen for someone's tire. We tore those out a couple of weeks ago and repurposed the blocks over to the East driveway where a flower bed with spirea and weigela reside. The railroad ties had begun collapsing and were infested. Two projects in one :) Now the drive on the West is lined with celosia, begonias, vinca and dusty miller. Did his bright little spark ever have fun putting those in!
Oak tree/deck area: This was another one that started last year and is in the process of being perfected this year. Along with the hostas that were reclaimed from the farmsted, I also kept a couple of heirloom lilies. The were my great grandmas and I desperately wanted them to stay in the family.One of the towers above 6 foot right now, with tons of 'babies' sprouting up. Some silver creeper came along for the ride, guess that is going to stay. A winter hardy hibiscus was also salvaged from the farmsted. Joining them this year are purple gladiolas, zebra grass and purple larkspur.
Potted plants? Yeah, we have those <chuckle> The planting thing is a serious addiction. I won't apologize for it at all, I am quite proud of all the work we put in. The kids love gardening, especially Autumn Rosalie. They are eager to help and potted plants often see the quickest results for them. Potted plant run down list? Sure, let's just show how deep this sickness runs: canna lilies (3 different types), salvia, begonias (3 different types), coleus (2 kinds), pansies (3 kinds), violas, lobelia, petunias (4 kinds), asparagus fern, 2 different kinds of vinca, celosia, latana, 3 different varieties of impatients, gladiolas, 3 kinds of begonias, marigold (volunteer) spike (reclaimed), hen and chicks (trailing in a hanging basket), snapdragons and calla lillies. I probably forgot a few that will have to be mentioned later.
Herb Garden? I have one of those too! (Did you really think I wouldn't?!) Peppermint, basil, rosemary, thyme, oregano and chives. Those are the staples for the season. They are placed so that they are accessible to the grill and the kitchen.
Only one project has been started without a lot of real progress, the NE corner of the house. We put in about 20 feet of pampass grass last summer that is taking off well right now. The rest of the space needs a lot of revamping before we can really do anything with it. It is going to require terracing and paving. Plant plans are grass varieties, hollyhocks, lupines, delphiniums, foxgloves and succulents. We plan on creating our own paths, scattering large rocks and giving it a country feel. Maybe I will learn to take before and after photos at some point, it would be incredible to see all the progress we have made.
Back to the 40 and the Oregon Trail! See you off the beaten path!
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