Be gentle with me, I am fairly new to this. Once upon a time, I put my ideas and ramblings on the interwebz, but have shied away from it as of late. There has been an underlying bit of guilt for letting life overwhelm my linguistically expressive side. That is the purpose of this humble blog...expression. This is not for bitching and whining (there is bound to be some of that in any blog) this is more for expounding and musing.
Addressing the bitching and whining comment: All too often I find that many people blog complain or to denigrate others, that just doesn't hold much interest for me. That all comes back to to this perspective of mine that is definitely "not so normal". My perspective is a battle to stay in the positive. Human nature seems to lend itself to negativity. Curious self-defeatist creatures we are. I was lucky enough to have several life changing events that changed my thoughts on how to approach life.
There will be a lot of honesty here, sometimes brutal to a fault, so be forewarned. My honesty is that I was not always a good or positive person, the antithesis was often true about me. That is not something that anyone likes to admit to. For all accounts, I have changed everything about me to the best of my ability to move beyond the undesirable me. It has at times been painstaking and slow, but worth every bit of strife to be a better person.
I am divorced, might as well get it out there. There were a multitude of factors that led to demise of that marriage. Ultimately, we ended up being 2 vastly different people that just shouldn't be in a relationship together. I will try to refrain from "ex-bashing" as much as possible - he is, after all, the father of my 3 wonderful children. That being stated, I have no desire to lessen my children's father in their eyes. That is a common and sad practice that usually backfires horribly. Divorce is usually viewed as a failure and that is why it was addressed right off the bat. For me, that wasn't the case. Divorce definitely led to me exploring and defining more of who I am now. Truth be told, I like me for the most part these days, so it isn't a failure at all to me.
I am also in a relationship, which is not failing nor does it have any indication that it will any time soon. This is being listed in the introduction where the good me/bad me dichotomy comes into play for good reason. When I entered into this relationship my male companion (MC) was still married. Yes, that was not the way I would have chosen, but it is the way it came about. Some would call me a homewrecker, but you can't break something that is already broken. That is in no way meant discount my actions or his, more so, just to be honest that it had failed long before we crossed paths in the manner we did. Here is that odd perspective thing ...we are better people and happier together than we ever were. In my book, happiness with yourself and those that you care about being happy as well equals success. We are happy and that makes us a success.
I used to have a few nasty addictions/demons (ok more than a few) Those taught me more hard lessons than I care to fully divulge in the introduction, let's leave the juicy details for later posts, it will make quite the page turner. Almost all of them developed out of two sources - unhappiness with myself and fear.
Fear came from a few places, but the overriding one is my illness. I have a serious disease that has killed me twice. At 21, pancreatitis and the adjoining problems hit me with a vengeance. Most of that tale will also be addressed in later posts, but a brief overview is necessary for the good/bad line being drawn here. It's painful to an extent that childbirth doesn't even fathom being. (I had 3 LARGE children all naturally, mind you) That pain and the muscle cramping from statins led me on a decade long dance with physician peddled pharmaceuticals. Last year, when I watched my MC begin to lose someone close to him from a rare side-effect, I vowed not to put him in that position again. That was when I stepped out of a long fog and found some true clarity. This disease and being free from dependency has made me strong beyond anything I ever thought possible. It has given me the perspective I have now. For all of the suffering it puts me through, I owe much of who I am to it. Thank you to the powers that be for my blessing/curse.
So there it is...I am flawed. I have not always been a good person. I am a woman in pursuit of happiness, who desperately wants to help others attain that sometimes elusive idea. While I may not have always been the best person I could be, I am trying damn hard to be better than anyone ever expected - myself included. To me, that makes me good, even somewhat redeemable. While it is not necessary for others to see it that way, I sure hope they do. Everyone can change regardless of their circumstances. It is a matter of will and want. That change that has happened in me, I hope to find in many others as well. Hopefully there is some wonderful company with me on this journey of change. I would love you to come along for expedition.
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