Gains through attrition - the last thought swirling in my head as I drifted off last night. Seems contradictory huh? How could the antithesis produce such a result? The answer to these questions is that it is not contradictory at all, sometimes the opposite is what we need to give us what we want. There's a quaint little conundrum to wrap your cranium around. The theory is that the yin-yang bring balance and harmony, so I am going to do my best to apply this in a few areas.
The idea for this post came about during a discussion (we will call it a discussion to be nice, but it was a flat-out argument) about OWS - Occupy Wall Street for the abbreviation challenged. Originally, I was thinking about the less is more concept using personal sacrifice to better myself. Many others out there do this. It is not unusual for someone to take a job that pays less, may not be ideal or has undesirable hours just to get income. In regards to the MC and I, we don't live beyond our means, we are responsible with what we spend, we try to put money in savings, we don't buy goods that we will not use and we try to set the same example for our children. I have a job that isn't perfect, but it pays well and provides. The MC has went back to school, gotten a degree and is working his way up the ladder through grit and determination. We have less now so that we can have more in the future.
Barring a huge rant right now, this is not the popular view to have with the OWS and they seem set on getting what is not owed to them. They also believe that those who are financially depressed will find it all but impossible to do anything but remain mired in the doldrums of poverty. There is a thought that is personally offensive. Following the no-whining rule of this blog, I will just give you the facts...I was born into poverty, not the standard of living slightly below the norm either. I was born to two drug addicts, one of them a convicted felon and the other whom ended up in a car accident and was left brain-damaged. I was destitute, homeless, hungry, dirty - for all intensive purposes what is called sub-poverty. By all expectation, I was set to fail, to become a casualty of the system, essentially a product of what I was born into. Thankfully I was born with more than just my circumstance, I was born with determination and stubbornness. I wanted more than I had, not just for myself, but for others as well. By telling people this I want to give hope, not take it away and seem impossible to better yourself. It's possible and I am proof. The MC and I have a middle class income and we dug deep to get there. You can do it! I have faith enough for all of us!
The final part of this post is going to address the fallout of the discussion/argument on the MC's facebook page. The narrow-minded idealism of microcosm thinking has people so tunnel visioned that anyone who doesn't share their exact view is automatically the enemy. He was "unfriended" by two people for not being completely in-line with their thinking. What a squander of an opportunity to share ideas, converse, debate and ultimately get their thoughts out! Who needs to hear an argument worse than the person who doesn't share your thinking? How can you possibly begin to know what an effective rebuttal would be without knowing your opponent's argument? It is sad that some people don't understand that in order to be heard, you have to listen. You want to make a difference, then make yourself heard. They were given a chance to change someone's mind and instead all they did was throw a melodramatic temper tantrum. he may have lost yesterday in numbers of friends, but he gained in quality. There were friends on both sides of the fence that saw merit in both sides, discussion was had and most of us agreed to disagree. So two people failed at the opportunity to influence, while approximately 7 succeeded.
That my readers, is today's mullings for gains through attrition. More to come soon.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Monday, October 24, 2011
The Power of Positive Projection
This Friday was an interesting and hard one for the MC and I. Having my hair cut off due to health issues that are causing my hair to fall out was quite hard to swallow. Fortunately my cosmetologist is a wonderful and loving sister/friend of mine who is quite talented. The hugs from her and the children, along with the reassurance and support from the MC made this painstaking measure much more bearable.
I often find myself regressing during times like these (this one was no exception). It is difficult for me to accept things as they are sometimes. For some reason, there is this great desire to want to change things that I have no control over. I end up blaming myself and searching for any reason to be upset with myself, like if I find bad in me it is like these things are more deserved. Trying to beat the odds, I put on my polka dot dress, gussied myself up and convinced myself that everything was going to be a-ok. Fake it 'til you make it, right? I am still not thrilled that I had to get my hair cut off or the reason, but the end result was better than expected. Diana, did an amazing job with all of our hair! It was wildly successful and we left the salon - 3 hours later, in great spirits.
Finally, we came to having dinner. Normally this would not be an event to talk about much at all, but this was no average dinner. The food was decent enough and the establishment was your average Mexican fare. What was truly harrowing was how we survived the patrons of the establishment. It was all 6 of us (The MC, his daughter, my 3 children and myself). As we walk in, who was sitting there but my ex-husband and his friend for the evening.
I said I wouldn't be doing a bunch of trash talking on the ex, so this is slightly out of place. I found it uncomfortable that they placed us directly across from my ex and that he was there with some new, random, trashy looking woman. What he wants to do in his personal life is his business. What bothers me is that his personal life takes priority of the children's stability. Here was a time when they were forced to look at the stark difference between the two of us. We (the MC and I) are very dedicated to each other, to stability in all of our lives and for betterment of all of us. To save the trash talking, it will suffice to say that is not the goal of my ex. My children are preparing themselves to come live with us this winter and blatant displays of the weekend partying like this one scare me. We are left wondering what kind of weekends they will have with him if the partying doesn't slow down.
The other highlight of the night was a woman whom the MC had a friendship/flirtation with once upon a time. She became intrusive and was making attempts to not only undermine our relationship, but to be destructive to his already hurting family. She has gotten desperate enough to try to attack at us through a close personal friend, prying for information and playing the "woe is me" card. The MC has asked her to not contact him any more on a couple of occasions and still she persisted. She has never been willing to ask me about it or confront me about it. She is a passive-aggressive sort, so the encounter on Friday night was not much to speak of. She passed by our table without a word, but made direct eye-contact with both of us. She gave me a smirk as if to acknowledge that I knew she was still lurking. Then she stood at a table adjacent to us, talking loudly about the night of drinking to come. She didn't get what she wanted out of the encounter - we didn't argue or fight, not so much as a disagreement. What she did get was an audible chuckle out of both of us and a simultaneous eye roll. We wended up having a long talk on the ride home about how happy we are to be together and how well we are persevering despite the attempts by others to make us fail.
We have done our very best to project ourselves in a positive light to all others. We even try to project ourselves postively to each other (except when I slip up during times when I am not so sure of myself). This power of positive projection puts up this invisible defense shield that has made our relationship a fortress of solitude. For all those looking to tear us down...you shall not pass.
I often find myself regressing during times like these (this one was no exception). It is difficult for me to accept things as they are sometimes. For some reason, there is this great desire to want to change things that I have no control over. I end up blaming myself and searching for any reason to be upset with myself, like if I find bad in me it is like these things are more deserved. Trying to beat the odds, I put on my polka dot dress, gussied myself up and convinced myself that everything was going to be a-ok. Fake it 'til you make it, right? I am still not thrilled that I had to get my hair cut off or the reason, but the end result was better than expected. Diana, did an amazing job with all of our hair! It was wildly successful and we left the salon - 3 hours later, in great spirits.
Finally, we came to having dinner. Normally this would not be an event to talk about much at all, but this was no average dinner. The food was decent enough and the establishment was your average Mexican fare. What was truly harrowing was how we survived the patrons of the establishment. It was all 6 of us (The MC, his daughter, my 3 children and myself). As we walk in, who was sitting there but my ex-husband and his friend for the evening.
I said I wouldn't be doing a bunch of trash talking on the ex, so this is slightly out of place. I found it uncomfortable that they placed us directly across from my ex and that he was there with some new, random, trashy looking woman. What he wants to do in his personal life is his business. What bothers me is that his personal life takes priority of the children's stability. Here was a time when they were forced to look at the stark difference between the two of us. We (the MC and I) are very dedicated to each other, to stability in all of our lives and for betterment of all of us. To save the trash talking, it will suffice to say that is not the goal of my ex. My children are preparing themselves to come live with us this winter and blatant displays of the weekend partying like this one scare me. We are left wondering what kind of weekends they will have with him if the partying doesn't slow down.
The other highlight of the night was a woman whom the MC had a friendship/flirtation with once upon a time. She became intrusive and was making attempts to not only undermine our relationship, but to be destructive to his already hurting family. She has gotten desperate enough to try to attack at us through a close personal friend, prying for information and playing the "woe is me" card. The MC has asked her to not contact him any more on a couple of occasions and still she persisted. She has never been willing to ask me about it or confront me about it. She is a passive-aggressive sort, so the encounter on Friday night was not much to speak of. She passed by our table without a word, but made direct eye-contact with both of us. She gave me a smirk as if to acknowledge that I knew she was still lurking. Then she stood at a table adjacent to us, talking loudly about the night of drinking to come. She didn't get what she wanted out of the encounter - we didn't argue or fight, not so much as a disagreement. What she did get was an audible chuckle out of both of us and a simultaneous eye roll. We wended up having a long talk on the ride home about how happy we are to be together and how well we are persevering despite the attempts by others to make us fail.
We have done our very best to project ourselves in a positive light to all others. We even try to project ourselves postively to each other (except when I slip up during times when I am not so sure of myself). This power of positive projection puts up this invisible defense shield that has made our relationship a fortress of solitude. For all those looking to tear us down...you shall not pass.
Friday, October 14, 2011
It's None of Your Business
Many people like to pretend their lives are perfect, or whatever imperfection is in them is the sole responsibility of someone else. Accepting fault (whether good or bad) is key to growing as an individual. There seems to be a rash of people getting upset with things they have either no control over or something that is simply none of their business.
Telling someone that something is none of their business comes hard for me. Once you get to a point where you try to live as clandestine as possible, it almost becomes second nature to blurt out the utter truth. There are times I am trying to grab the words and cram them back into my mouth as they are spilling out. There is that time when I stifle it down and try not to share it because it doesn't sit right. There is one person in particular that I am terrible about that with...ahem MC, that is you. Bringing truth to light is painful at times, hurting most in it's path.
How do you make that truth not hurt? By telling someone that it simply isn't their business. We are all (I hate the following word because of the negative connotation) entitled to have personal feelings, beliefs, thoughts that we would rather not share for whatever reason. Others take personal offense if we choose not to share with them.We begin to question them and ourselves by nature almost instantly. Why don't they trust me? What is this secret they are hiding? What is the motivation for not telling me? What are they trying to protect me from? The answer simply is...it's none of your business. Do you really want to drag something out of a person only to have them resent you for intruding? What if they are afraid of your reaction and don't feel secure enough to share it with you? Then you could stomp all over their trust.
We don't need to divulge every detail of our lives. We also don't need to keep everything stuffed down inside. Something we share with one person may not be what we would choose to share with another. We have different people in our lives for different reasons. We may not share everything with everybody, which is perfectly fine. That would ultimately leave one quite vulnerable and is a dangerous practice. Could you imagine telling your boss what you truly think of him/her?! Or blabbing on to a co-worker about your personal life? Telling the lady at the zoo about your wild bender of a weekend during your college years? Certainly not, because it's not their business. If you have deemed something is not someone else's business then it was probably done so for a good reason.
Having someone you feel trusting enough of and comfortable with to share everything is utopian, but not reality. The trick is to learn who you can share with and who deserves your trust. Choose carefully, there are plenty of people out there who will knowingly hurt you for one reason or another (often it is their own insecurity). When you have chosen a few people to lean on, laugh with and expose your soul to - then you are set for a lifetime of great relationships. We don't have the capacity to do this with many people, that just spreads us too thin emotionally. Those few that we do find that with provide a tremendous feeling of warmth when we can share and grow like that.
To those in my life that I have that with: my deepest thanks for my deepest thoughts and feelings.
Telling someone that something is none of their business comes hard for me. Once you get to a point where you try to live as clandestine as possible, it almost becomes second nature to blurt out the utter truth. There are times I am trying to grab the words and cram them back into my mouth as they are spilling out. There is that time when I stifle it down and try not to share it because it doesn't sit right. There is one person in particular that I am terrible about that with...ahem MC, that is you. Bringing truth to light is painful at times, hurting most in it's path.
How do you make that truth not hurt? By telling someone that it simply isn't their business. We are all (I hate the following word because of the negative connotation) entitled to have personal feelings, beliefs, thoughts that we would rather not share for whatever reason. Others take personal offense if we choose not to share with them.We begin to question them and ourselves by nature almost instantly. Why don't they trust me? What is this secret they are hiding? What is the motivation for not telling me? What are they trying to protect me from? The answer simply is...it's none of your business. Do you really want to drag something out of a person only to have them resent you for intruding? What if they are afraid of your reaction and don't feel secure enough to share it with you? Then you could stomp all over their trust.
We don't need to divulge every detail of our lives. We also don't need to keep everything stuffed down inside. Something we share with one person may not be what we would choose to share with another. We have different people in our lives for different reasons. We may not share everything with everybody, which is perfectly fine. That would ultimately leave one quite vulnerable and is a dangerous practice. Could you imagine telling your boss what you truly think of him/her?! Or blabbing on to a co-worker about your personal life? Telling the lady at the zoo about your wild bender of a weekend during your college years? Certainly not, because it's not their business. If you have deemed something is not someone else's business then it was probably done so for a good reason.
Having someone you feel trusting enough of and comfortable with to share everything is utopian, but not reality. The trick is to learn who you can share with and who deserves your trust. Choose carefully, there are plenty of people out there who will knowingly hurt you for one reason or another (often it is their own insecurity). When you have chosen a few people to lean on, laugh with and expose your soul to - then you are set for a lifetime of great relationships. We don't have the capacity to do this with many people, that just spreads us too thin emotionally. Those few that we do find that with provide a tremendous feeling of warmth when we can share and grow like that.
To those in my life that I have that with: my deepest thanks for my deepest thoughts and feelings.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Shaky ground
There has been a little shakiness in the relationship this weekend - not that anything ever shakes us enough to break us though. Even though this is a blog, there are some things that I won't reveal about my private life, so please forgive me if I don't divulge everything. Like any relationship, we have our fair share of struggles. What is truly remarkable though is the way that they are approached.
Usually I try to be the strong and positive type. This weekend I fell into a less than positive perspective. Check that...I allowed myself to. Taking responsibility for my emotion is something that Is difficult and necessary. It's just one of those bad habits that is a tough one to let go of. Not that it is impossible to do, just hard.
It seems that I have chosen someone to be my partner that posses more strength than I do. He faces challenges head-on, not shying away. That is a truly remarkable quality! Times like these, I can't be thankful enough for my MC.
We have some new challenges coming up the road. We have seen the caution signs and have heeded the warning. That doesn't mean we will be taking a detour (or alternate route for political correctness sake). We will face them together - straight on.
Usually I try to be the strong and positive type. This weekend I fell into a less than positive perspective. Check that...I allowed myself to. Taking responsibility for my emotion is something that Is difficult and necessary. It's just one of those bad habits that is a tough one to let go of. Not that it is impossible to do, just hard.
It seems that I have chosen someone to be my partner that posses more strength than I do. He faces challenges head-on, not shying away. That is a truly remarkable quality! Times like these, I can't be thankful enough for my MC.
We have some new challenges coming up the road. We have seen the caution signs and have heeded the warning. That doesn't mean we will be taking a detour (or alternate route for political correctness sake). We will face them together - straight on.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Change
Change is a pretty important theme in my life. I am always trying to improve. My strong desire for change started about 2 years ago. It is also about the time that I committed myself to writing and expressing my ideas. Sometimes we think something truly great and it slips away because we simply forget to dialogue it somewhere indelible. This is a piece I wrote when I first started down this path of betterment:
People can change...I have been thinking about this a lot lately. While I haven't lost all hope, it has certainly faded. Can change? Sure. Want change? Most likely. Strive for change? Unlikely.
Once a pattern of behavior is set the chances of change occurring are greatly diminished. Days, months, years even of acting in a certain fashion make change uneasy. We fall victim to our preposition to remain in the same state out of nothing more than familiarity. We be accustomed to simply existing in the same state.
Change may fell like rejection of self, denying the immediate wants for long term goals. Will to change is a must, combined with personal fortitude and constant critical effort to invoke said change. Change isn't impossible, rather it is improbable. The task is uncomfortable and leads to the unfamiliar. How do we escape the confines of comfort? When we venture into raw and uncharted territory, we place ourselves in a vulnerable state. our natural desire to protect ourself is a preventative measure that we must overcome. Change only arrives when one is weary of being at odds with them self and with the world the reside in.
Change is not only important, but necessary. Here's to hoping that I keep changing for the rest of my life!
People can change...I have been thinking about this a lot lately. While I haven't lost all hope, it has certainly faded. Can change? Sure. Want change? Most likely. Strive for change? Unlikely.
Once a pattern of behavior is set the chances of change occurring are greatly diminished. Days, months, years even of acting in a certain fashion make change uneasy. We fall victim to our preposition to remain in the same state out of nothing more than familiarity. We be accustomed to simply existing in the same state.
Change may fell like rejection of self, denying the immediate wants for long term goals. Will to change is a must, combined with personal fortitude and constant critical effort to invoke said change. Change isn't impossible, rather it is improbable. The task is uncomfortable and leads to the unfamiliar. How do we escape the confines of comfort? When we venture into raw and uncharted territory, we place ourselves in a vulnerable state. our natural desire to protect ourself is a preventative measure that we must overcome. Change only arrives when one is weary of being at odds with them self and with the world the reside in.
Change is not only important, but necessary. Here's to hoping that I keep changing for the rest of my life!
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Introduction to the Extraordinary
Be gentle with me, I am fairly new to this. Once upon a time, I put my ideas and ramblings on the interwebz, but have shied away from it as of late. There has been an underlying bit of guilt for letting life overwhelm my linguistically expressive side. That is the purpose of this humble blog...expression. This is not for bitching and whining (there is bound to be some of that in any blog) this is more for expounding and musing.
Addressing the bitching and whining comment: All too often I find that many people blog complain or to denigrate others, that just doesn't hold much interest for me. That all comes back to to this perspective of mine that is definitely "not so normal". My perspective is a battle to stay in the positive. Human nature seems to lend itself to negativity. Curious self-defeatist creatures we are. I was lucky enough to have several life changing events that changed my thoughts on how to approach life.
There will be a lot of honesty here, sometimes brutal to a fault, so be forewarned. My honesty is that I was not always a good or positive person, the antithesis was often true about me. That is not something that anyone likes to admit to. For all accounts, I have changed everything about me to the best of my ability to move beyond the undesirable me. It has at times been painstaking and slow, but worth every bit of strife to be a better person.
I am divorced, might as well get it out there. There were a multitude of factors that led to demise of that marriage. Ultimately, we ended up being 2 vastly different people that just shouldn't be in a relationship together. I will try to refrain from "ex-bashing" as much as possible - he is, after all, the father of my 3 wonderful children. That being stated, I have no desire to lessen my children's father in their eyes. That is a common and sad practice that usually backfires horribly. Divorce is usually viewed as a failure and that is why it was addressed right off the bat. For me, that wasn't the case. Divorce definitely led to me exploring and defining more of who I am now. Truth be told, I like me for the most part these days, so it isn't a failure at all to me.
I am also in a relationship, which is not failing nor does it have any indication that it will any time soon. This is being listed in the introduction where the good me/bad me dichotomy comes into play for good reason. When I entered into this relationship my male companion (MC) was still married. Yes, that was not the way I would have chosen, but it is the way it came about. Some would call me a homewrecker, but you can't break something that is already broken. That is in no way meant discount my actions or his, more so, just to be honest that it had failed long before we crossed paths in the manner we did. Here is that odd perspective thing ...we are better people and happier together than we ever were. In my book, happiness with yourself and those that you care about being happy as well equals success. We are happy and that makes us a success.
I used to have a few nasty addictions/demons (ok more than a few) Those taught me more hard lessons than I care to fully divulge in the introduction, let's leave the juicy details for later posts, it will make quite the page turner. Almost all of them developed out of two sources - unhappiness with myself and fear.
Fear came from a few places, but the overriding one is my illness. I have a serious disease that has killed me twice. At 21, pancreatitis and the adjoining problems hit me with a vengeance. Most of that tale will also be addressed in later posts, but a brief overview is necessary for the good/bad line being drawn here. It's painful to an extent that childbirth doesn't even fathom being. (I had 3 LARGE children all naturally, mind you) That pain and the muscle cramping from statins led me on a decade long dance with physician peddled pharmaceuticals. Last year, when I watched my MC begin to lose someone close to him from a rare side-effect, I vowed not to put him in that position again. That was when I stepped out of a long fog and found some true clarity. This disease and being free from dependency has made me strong beyond anything I ever thought possible. It has given me the perspective I have now. For all of the suffering it puts me through, I owe much of who I am to it. Thank you to the powers that be for my blessing/curse.
So there it is...I am flawed. I have not always been a good person. I am a woman in pursuit of happiness, who desperately wants to help others attain that sometimes elusive idea. While I may not have always been the best person I could be, I am trying damn hard to be better than anyone ever expected - myself included. To me, that makes me good, even somewhat redeemable. While it is not necessary for others to see it that way, I sure hope they do. Everyone can change regardless of their circumstances. It is a matter of will and want. That change that has happened in me, I hope to find in many others as well. Hopefully there is some wonderful company with me on this journey of change. I would love you to come along for expedition.
Addressing the bitching and whining comment: All too often I find that many people blog complain or to denigrate others, that just doesn't hold much interest for me. That all comes back to to this perspective of mine that is definitely "not so normal". My perspective is a battle to stay in the positive. Human nature seems to lend itself to negativity. Curious self-defeatist creatures we are. I was lucky enough to have several life changing events that changed my thoughts on how to approach life.
There will be a lot of honesty here, sometimes brutal to a fault, so be forewarned. My honesty is that I was not always a good or positive person, the antithesis was often true about me. That is not something that anyone likes to admit to. For all accounts, I have changed everything about me to the best of my ability to move beyond the undesirable me. It has at times been painstaking and slow, but worth every bit of strife to be a better person.
I am divorced, might as well get it out there. There were a multitude of factors that led to demise of that marriage. Ultimately, we ended up being 2 vastly different people that just shouldn't be in a relationship together. I will try to refrain from "ex-bashing" as much as possible - he is, after all, the father of my 3 wonderful children. That being stated, I have no desire to lessen my children's father in their eyes. That is a common and sad practice that usually backfires horribly. Divorce is usually viewed as a failure and that is why it was addressed right off the bat. For me, that wasn't the case. Divorce definitely led to me exploring and defining more of who I am now. Truth be told, I like me for the most part these days, so it isn't a failure at all to me.
I am also in a relationship, which is not failing nor does it have any indication that it will any time soon. This is being listed in the introduction where the good me/bad me dichotomy comes into play for good reason. When I entered into this relationship my male companion (MC) was still married. Yes, that was not the way I would have chosen, but it is the way it came about. Some would call me a homewrecker, but you can't break something that is already broken. That is in no way meant discount my actions or his, more so, just to be honest that it had failed long before we crossed paths in the manner we did. Here is that odd perspective thing ...we are better people and happier together than we ever were. In my book, happiness with yourself and those that you care about being happy as well equals success. We are happy and that makes us a success.
I used to have a few nasty addictions/demons (ok more than a few) Those taught me more hard lessons than I care to fully divulge in the introduction, let's leave the juicy details for later posts, it will make quite the page turner. Almost all of them developed out of two sources - unhappiness with myself and fear.
Fear came from a few places, but the overriding one is my illness. I have a serious disease that has killed me twice. At 21, pancreatitis and the adjoining problems hit me with a vengeance. Most of that tale will also be addressed in later posts, but a brief overview is necessary for the good/bad line being drawn here. It's painful to an extent that childbirth doesn't even fathom being. (I had 3 LARGE children all naturally, mind you) That pain and the muscle cramping from statins led me on a decade long dance with physician peddled pharmaceuticals. Last year, when I watched my MC begin to lose someone close to him from a rare side-effect, I vowed not to put him in that position again. That was when I stepped out of a long fog and found some true clarity. This disease and being free from dependency has made me strong beyond anything I ever thought possible. It has given me the perspective I have now. For all of the suffering it puts me through, I owe much of who I am to it. Thank you to the powers that be for my blessing/curse.
So there it is...I am flawed. I have not always been a good person. I am a woman in pursuit of happiness, who desperately wants to help others attain that sometimes elusive idea. While I may not have always been the best person I could be, I am trying damn hard to be better than anyone ever expected - myself included. To me, that makes me good, even somewhat redeemable. While it is not necessary for others to see it that way, I sure hope they do. Everyone can change regardless of their circumstances. It is a matter of will and want. That change that has happened in me, I hope to find in many others as well. Hopefully there is some wonderful company with me on this journey of change. I would love you to come along for expedition.
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