I have had this hair-brained dream for about 15 years that turned into a nightmare last night. Anyone who knows me, knows how much I love to cook and host. I am not professionally trained by any means, but I developed a knack for it. A knack for it is underselling it a lot. I started catering and serving meals to 30+ people when I was 19. It started with potlucks at work and friends coming over for dinners or cookouts. From there it grew into catering full dinners for the office I worked in and doing full-on Christmas trays by order. We do dinners for friends and family every couple of weeks now. For a while there was a plan in place to turn it into a cafe or full time catering business. It made me happy, almost euphoric to think about it. Last night told me that this dream I have had for half my life was nothing more than some silly fantasy that will never and should never come true.
Before people scream at me for giving up on a dream, let me explain. I have a family, a relationship and a full time job already. My family and my relationship are the most important things in my life. My fiance needs me and our 4 children need me. Last night it was trying to find time to cook for 6 hours, get 3 kids cycled through bathing, clip all of their nails and help them brush their hair, keep track of my eldest and her company, drop off and pickup my fiance at an appointment, take a bath myself, go to the grocery store and attempt to keep the kitchen clean and in reasonable order while I did all this. *sigh* All of that was after working a full 9 hours and making an hour commute. Scheduling wise, it all fell into place somehow. The whole family helped with making the 8 dozen cookies last night. The kids really love to help with cooking and we are happy to oblige that. It was the after affects that were the downfall.
At the end of the day (midnight) I had been going for 18 hours. I was exhausted, not just worn out. There was this nervousness about how much of the housework I would be able to get done before we have dinner with our friends tonight. None of them expect the house to be perfect, but I do. It's just part of that desire to be a good hostess and make dinner enjoyable for everyone. The worst of it came after we crawled into bed for the night. I made the man in my life feel neglected and "put on the back burner" because I was so focused on my desire and goal. That was really unfair of me. Because I needed to get so much done last night, we couldn't spend any quality time together. In the end, I felt guilty for even taking the time to take a bath. That is pretty much a staple to everyday life and somehow I felt like I didn't deserve it because I took time to do other things.
I stopped doing things for me a while ago. Even something as simple as taking the 15 minutes to go tanning isn't happening anymore. There is positively no time for me to do things for me. I resigned that right when I had a family and entered into a relationship, trying to rectify that with my spirit has been pretty difficult. I am not an individual anymore and I don't get the luxury of a personal agenda. If I want to stay in a relationship and be the mother of children, it is time to accept that my place and stop wishing or wanting for more. I love them and am not going to do anything to jeopardize their happiness, even if it means giving up on my dreams. My life might just be better than my dreams.
Friday, July 27, 2012
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Life Guarantees
I borrowed this image from a sister of mine whom takes this spiritual journey with me. We now live hundreds of miles (almost 1700) away from each other, but I still connect with her and think of her every day. These aren't some steadfast rules that I have affixed myself to, but they are every bit true and have a lot of merit. Timeless advice and wisdom lies within these words.
There has been a lot of death in close circles lately. My fiance's aunt took her life about a month ago. My friend had to deliver her baby at 28 weeks due to eclampsia. She had a seizure and they took her off of life support about a week after delivering her baby. Her best friend then lost her husband trying to save a child that had drifted away from the boat - less than a week apart.That is a lot of death in one month. That is a lot of people hurting, feeling loss. That is a lot of lessons to be learned. These Rules for Being Human really resonated while I was thinking about all this death and loss.
I make a big to do about learning lessons. It happens to be something I try to be very cognizant of. My life, my person, my spirit has changed a lot over the past few years mostly because I took a harder look at myself and started dedicating myself to learning the lessons, not just acknowledging that they are lessons to be learned. We haven't every truly learned anything until we retain the knowledge of the lesson and apply it to similar situations every time. Just one slip up means that lesson has to be learned all over again. That there is a whole new painstaking process and suffering of consequences. I, for one, do not want to spend my life learning the same lesson. Knowledge is power, so the quicker the lesson is learned, the quicker the next one will come.
Everyone has their downfalls, their lessons to learn. The biggest one seems to be the number 6 rule here. Essentially it tells us to appreciate what we have and what surrounds us. It tells us to have gratitude. It is so easy to take the time that we have with people in our life for granted. We aren't given an eternity to right our wrongs or to express our love. We are given seconds, minutes, days, weeks, months, years and decades. While it may seem like a long time when it is stretched out, there is never enough time to show all the people that we love and care about just how deeply that runs. You never truly know how much time anyone has. We must make our here and now the best that it can possibly be. That is our task. I am not saying that we become short-sighted and only think of the now, but rather that we embrace the here and now with a resolve to improve where we can.
The hardest part about all of these deaths are the children left behind. I do my best to show all four children of the house how much they are loved - not just showering them with tangible, monetary gains (although anyone will attest that they want for nothing). We give them our time, our attention, our understanding and support. This is the biggest lesson of these tragedies for me - show your children love, give them worthwhile time. There is more to being a parent than mindlessly sitting in front of the tv or computer. Interact with them, converse and joke with them, teach them. Those are the best rewards that make our here and now a better future. Memories are some of the best lessons learned. Hug your children, kiss their foreheads, assure them a place of security. Show them that you have learned the lesson of appreciation for a child's love for their parent.
Love to you all ~ Andrea
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Gratitude the Attitude
It's more than just an action, it's an attitude.
On my way to work every morning for the past couple of weeks I have noticed the same man in the same place, wearing the same things. He is an elderly black man, quite obviously homeless. He wears black clothes - long sleeved shirt and pants, a black cap with a bandana on underneath it, even on days like today when it is supposed to be 100+ degrees. He sits at the corner by the bus station with bags and a rolling cart with some clothes or something in it. He doesn't panhandle, doesn't bother anybody, there are no signs asking for pity or hand outs. He is just simply sitting there with what little he has watching the traffic go bustling by as we all hurriedly scatter our different directions to jobs or homes or appointments. He doesn't have much, but doesn't seem to want much either. He has this air of contentment to him that struck me a while ago, but more this morning than ever.
This morning started off like most other mornings. The alarm goes off, Chad hits the snooze and climbs back into bed so that we can curl up together just a little longer. Finally, we relinquish the idea of staying in bed all day cuddling to wander zombie-like to shower. Showering done, we get dressed and ready to head out the door. Not very exciting stuff, but it is part of the routine. This morning the routine broke in a heavy way. I got a call just as I was finishing my hair from my boss. He has had his struggles lately (not anything that I am going to post here, not mine to share) His life is changing in almost every realm that it possibly can. He resigned from his job this morning. A part of me was shocked, sad, worried and wanting to support him all at once. He seems to have the need for a more simple life. So as I drove to work and saw that man sitting by the bus station and thought about my overwhelmed boss, I thought of how grateful I was for what I have in my life.
Gratitude is the expression of appreciation. It is an acknowledgement of benefit or thankfulness. So why is it so difficult for people to say those two words? 'Thank you' can be be the hardest words for people to say, but they are also the two best words to hear.
Having gratitude replaces and eliminates so many other troubles and worries. If you are happy or content with what you have and express that, you aren't likely to want for more or lose what you have. There isn't added pressure or stress to attain things that aren't needed. It opens us up to feel love, to share love - which is the greatest gift any of us have. Love for what we have, who we are, the people we know, what surrounds us gives an intimate sense peace with ourselves and our surroundings. That calm that comes from being thankful, from being gracious has a multitude of benefits. People without stress live longer, it lowers blood pressure, reduces anxiety, reduces risk of stroke. How many times have you heard of a doctor telling someone to reduce stress in their lives? There is a reason for that.
Practicing gratitude, saying thank you, appreciating things will make graciousness almost second nature. Once you recognize things that you are grateful for, express it. Take notice of the good things around you and release yourself to the acknowledgement that this life is what we make of it. It is a reminder to yourself to be positive. It keeps you in a frame of mind where things are good. Focusing on the negative is so easy, letting that negativity go can be so very difficult. If you are filling your thoughts with what makes you happy, it makes it less room for what's missing. Telling people thank you not only gives that happiness to them, it gives it to you as well.
Make gratitude your attitude, not just a fleeting action. With gratitude for your eyes gracing my words ~ Andrea
On my way to work every morning for the past couple of weeks I have noticed the same man in the same place, wearing the same things. He is an elderly black man, quite obviously homeless. He wears black clothes - long sleeved shirt and pants, a black cap with a bandana on underneath it, even on days like today when it is supposed to be 100+ degrees. He sits at the corner by the bus station with bags and a rolling cart with some clothes or something in it. He doesn't panhandle, doesn't bother anybody, there are no signs asking for pity or hand outs. He is just simply sitting there with what little he has watching the traffic go bustling by as we all hurriedly scatter our different directions to jobs or homes or appointments. He doesn't have much, but doesn't seem to want much either. He has this air of contentment to him that struck me a while ago, but more this morning than ever.
This morning started off like most other mornings. The alarm goes off, Chad hits the snooze and climbs back into bed so that we can curl up together just a little longer. Finally, we relinquish the idea of staying in bed all day cuddling to wander zombie-like to shower. Showering done, we get dressed and ready to head out the door. Not very exciting stuff, but it is part of the routine. This morning the routine broke in a heavy way. I got a call just as I was finishing my hair from my boss. He has had his struggles lately (not anything that I am going to post here, not mine to share) His life is changing in almost every realm that it possibly can. He resigned from his job this morning. A part of me was shocked, sad, worried and wanting to support him all at once. He seems to have the need for a more simple life. So as I drove to work and saw that man sitting by the bus station and thought about my overwhelmed boss, I thought of how grateful I was for what I have in my life.
Gratitude is the expression of appreciation. It is an acknowledgement of benefit or thankfulness. So why is it so difficult for people to say those two words? 'Thank you' can be be the hardest words for people to say, but they are also the two best words to hear.
Having gratitude replaces and eliminates so many other troubles and worries. If you are happy or content with what you have and express that, you aren't likely to want for more or lose what you have. There isn't added pressure or stress to attain things that aren't needed. It opens us up to feel love, to share love - which is the greatest gift any of us have. Love for what we have, who we are, the people we know, what surrounds us gives an intimate sense peace with ourselves and our surroundings. That calm that comes from being thankful, from being gracious has a multitude of benefits. People without stress live longer, it lowers blood pressure, reduces anxiety, reduces risk of stroke. How many times have you heard of a doctor telling someone to reduce stress in their lives? There is a reason for that.
Practicing gratitude, saying thank you, appreciating things will make graciousness almost second nature. Once you recognize things that you are grateful for, express it. Take notice of the good things around you and release yourself to the acknowledgement that this life is what we make of it. It is a reminder to yourself to be positive. It keeps you in a frame of mind where things are good. Focusing on the negative is so easy, letting that negativity go can be so very difficult. If you are filling your thoughts with what makes you happy, it makes it less room for what's missing. Telling people thank you not only gives that happiness to them, it gives it to you as well.
Make gratitude your attitude, not just a fleeting action. With gratitude for your eyes gracing my words ~ Andrea
Thursday, July 5, 2012
It's Not What You Say, It's Who You Say It To
I came across an article this morning while surfing the interwebz. Thought I would share it with you, as well as my correlating thoughts of course...
During divorce, people are often blinded by their own ego to truly consider their child. They are so focused on the lustful inflicting of damage to their ex that they don't think about the damage that it also does to their child. If the relationship ended, it was because it had problems. Whether both parties want to admit it or not, both were to blame in some way - no divorce is 100% anyone's fault.
If you are telling the child what 'terrible things the other person has done' that makes your personal experience become the child's personal experience. That is narcissism at it's finest, my readers. That does absolutely nothing to benefit the child, only to support your own personal vendetta agenda. Your child the mercenary? Pretty disgusting move. While it may work temporarily in your favor to trash talk the other parent, eventually the child will come to realize that they were put in the middle and treated with complete disrespect. Bottom line here is that as an adult, your wants do not supersede the needs of child feeling stable and secure. A child should be given the opportunity to love both of their parents, not be forced into living a bad experience vicariously through someone else.
After a divorce a child has enough on their proverbial plate to worry about taking on feelings that aren't their own. They have already 'lost' daily interaction with both of their parents. There is confusion about the differences in between the two houses and how to deal with each parent separately. The child has to figure out how they fit into the new dynamic, all the while trying to keep up with their everyday tasks - like school, sports and their . Any adult who goes through divorce knows how difficult it is for them to keep it together and still manage their everyday, so how do they expect that a child could? Why would any adult think it is ok to pile more emotional BS onto a child that doesn't belong to them?! Kids have enough to deal with on their own.
Children should be allowed to love and allowed to receive love from both parents. Taking a side should never be a parent's goal. That is a selfish act of insecurity and ultimately it is a betrayal of the trust and love that your child needs. Children expect to be safe with their parents, they expect love from their parents. Love means not having to choose, love means giving them open arms and welcoming them for who they are - that includes who they love.
Love your child more than hate someone else.
During divorce, people are often blinded by their own ego to truly consider their child. They are so focused on the lustful inflicting of damage to their ex that they don't think about the damage that it also does to their child. If the relationship ended, it was because it had problems. Whether both parties want to admit it or not, both were to blame in some way - no divorce is 100% anyone's fault.
If you are telling the child what 'terrible things the other person has done' that makes your personal experience become the child's personal experience. That is narcissism at it's finest, my readers. That does absolutely nothing to benefit the child, only to support your own personal vendetta agenda. Your child the mercenary? Pretty disgusting move. While it may work temporarily in your favor to trash talk the other parent, eventually the child will come to realize that they were put in the middle and treated with complete disrespect. Bottom line here is that as an adult, your wants do not supersede the needs of child feeling stable and secure. A child should be given the opportunity to love both of their parents, not be forced into living a bad experience vicariously through someone else.
After a divorce a child has enough on their proverbial plate to worry about taking on feelings that aren't their own. They have already 'lost' daily interaction with both of their parents. There is confusion about the differences in between the two houses and how to deal with each parent separately. The child has to figure out how they fit into the new dynamic, all the while trying to keep up with their everyday tasks - like school, sports and their . Any adult who goes through divorce knows how difficult it is for them to keep it together and still manage their everyday, so how do they expect that a child could? Why would any adult think it is ok to pile more emotional BS onto a child that doesn't belong to them?! Kids have enough to deal with on their own.
Children should be allowed to love and allowed to receive love from both parents. Taking a side should never be a parent's goal. That is a selfish act of insecurity and ultimately it is a betrayal of the trust and love that your child needs. Children expect to be safe with their parents, they expect love from their parents. Love means not having to choose, love means giving them open arms and welcoming them for who they are - that includes who they love.
Love your child more than hate someone else.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Undo
The girls both got Leappads for Christmas (probably one of the most used gifts ever bought) there is an app on them for drawing that they fancy quite a bit. The paint option makes this strange and almost inappropriate squirting sound and the 'undo' quips loudly in almost a singing fashion that it is undoing. There are jokes in the household about the undo of the Leappad that has me thinking about permanence.
How wonderful would it be if we could just click a button and erase whatever it was that we did or said? No mistakes, no hurtful actions or words, no regrets, no faults. Sadly and happily at the same time, that is not the way things work. The sadly part is pretty obvious. We don't want to mess up and hurt people, but that is all part of being human. Fallible is something that affects us all, a common trait we share with the entire human race. Think on that for a moment - despite all of our differences: broad culture, languages, heritage, gender, financial status, religion and viewpoints we are all tied by the bind of of having fault and making mistakes. That is a bond, a thread between all of 6 billion plus people in the world. This isn't some claim to the worn out cliche of perfectly imperfect (that makes me want to yak) this is a realization that none of has attained perfection and we have all failed along the way. That alone should give us some higher understanding of others and an allotment of patience for when someone does err.
The things that can't be undone, unseen, unfelt (is that a word?) happen to give us alertness to something that is awry or needs changed in our lives. If it hurts, don't do it. If you didn't do it, don't let someone else do it to you. There is little to nothing that we can do to change the actions of others, but we can certainly learn from that mistake and not make the same one if we see the problem or the issue with that behavior or action. The only course of action is to move forward with the knowledge that things will never be the same, but that they aren't the same for a reason. Grow from it, learn from it, move on. Sounds simple enough, but it is not so easy in practice. Those memories, those 'what ifs' are haunting. The questions that can't be answered are the hardest ones to ask.
Be careful in what you do, what you say and how you act. Nothing can be undone. Some things are far more permanent and the impact more lasting than others. Until this life gets an 'undo' button, we are all fallible and this life is indelible.
How wonderful would it be if we could just click a button and erase whatever it was that we did or said? No mistakes, no hurtful actions or words, no regrets, no faults. Sadly and happily at the same time, that is not the way things work. The sadly part is pretty obvious. We don't want to mess up and hurt people, but that is all part of being human. Fallible is something that affects us all, a common trait we share with the entire human race. Think on that for a moment - despite all of our differences: broad culture, languages, heritage, gender, financial status, religion and viewpoints we are all tied by the bind of of having fault and making mistakes. That is a bond, a thread between all of 6 billion plus people in the world. This isn't some claim to the worn out cliche of perfectly imperfect (that makes me want to yak) this is a realization that none of has attained perfection and we have all failed along the way. That alone should give us some higher understanding of others and an allotment of patience for when someone does err.
The things that can't be undone, unseen, unfelt (is that a word?) happen to give us alertness to something that is awry or needs changed in our lives. If it hurts, don't do it. If you didn't do it, don't let someone else do it to you. There is little to nothing that we can do to change the actions of others, but we can certainly learn from that mistake and not make the same one if we see the problem or the issue with that behavior or action. The only course of action is to move forward with the knowledge that things will never be the same, but that they aren't the same for a reason. Grow from it, learn from it, move on. Sounds simple enough, but it is not so easy in practice. Those memories, those 'what ifs' are haunting. The questions that can't be answered are the hardest ones to ask.
Be careful in what you do, what you say and how you act. Nothing can be undone. Some things are far more permanent and the impact more lasting than others. Until this life gets an 'undo' button, we are all fallible and this life is indelible.
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