It's an acronym. (abbreviation beginning with the first letter of each word) For Fuck's Sake! That's right, pulling out the foul language already.
I am frustrated, immensely frustrated. Worse yet, I have no outlet with this frustration. Sure, sure you are thinking "What the eff is a blog then?" Not the same thing at all. I want someone to talk with, not just to. That sounds crazy, right? There is only so much I can discuss with my husband without feeling like we have more of a vent session than a relationship. My friends have enough going on. (That is their business...expect no explanation) Add to that the friends I have are all the same as my husband, which is normally a good thing. Somebody that isn't so close to the situation, someone that would have a different perspective. Therapy? Um no...I am not even eating lunch at all this week just to save us some money and make sure the rest of the house can eat. Therapy isn't in the financial realm of possibilities at all.
What does all this frustration come from? There are a lot of things. One of the few things that I feel willing to discuss somewhat openly is my medical situation. I was recently diagnosed with fibromyalgia in addition to the multitude of other medical problems I have. This diagnosis came as an effort to just put a name on it so that it could be treated. We have to start somewhere, right? The only reason it isn't being called Lupus is because I was missing one blood marker that qualifies it (a marker that about 30% of people with Lupus do not have)FFS! My doctor told me this diagnosis was essentially a stop gap until we could find out what is really wrong. That leaves some pretty scary possibilities out there. Scary still is dealing with it in the meantime.
Stress makes you sick. Doctors make sure they let you know that all the time too. Avoid stress is basically like saying, "Just hurry up and die, because you aren't made to withstand all that is this life". At least that is what it feels like. So what do you do when being sick is causing stress?! The doctors have decided to throw a pill at it every time. Boy, do I hate that "solution". The amount of medications that they put me on, only to have some nasty side effect crop up or for it not to work at all and end up being taken off of is astounding. For now, they are going to try a combination (only 2 pills a day!) that seems pretty risky but had a day of decent results. I am still stressing about having to go back on one of them here in a few days, it is an extremely strong medication and it didn't work out so well the first time.
The story there: Fibromyalgia is a complicated disease and treating it is difficult. Some medications you have to specifically have fibro listed as a diagnosis to even be issued them, I was put on one of those last Wednesday. The doctor and I should have both communicated a better, so I am not about to put this all on them - but it was a dangerous mistake that I won't make again. Last Wednesday, my doctor put me on a new prescription because the current one wasn't as effective in reducing the symptoms as we would have liked it to be. My mistake: I thought this was to replace the prescription I was taking. Their mistake: these two drugs are listed not to be taken together and they did not express that contrary to the manufacturer warnings, it was to be taken with my other medicine. What ensued was about the worst possible outcome ever. FFS!
Wednesday night, I went over the info from the pharmacy and took the new prescription. Everything was fine for about a half an hour and then all hell broke loose. This medication is supposed to be time released, but my over active stomach acids made sure it all went in my system and right away. You know those terrible things they warn about in the commercials? Yeah...that shit is SO real! I couldn't fall asleep, I was shaking and sweating, getting sick profusely and scared out of my wits! To top it all off, the next day was the first day of school. There were 2 little girls clamoring to get their hair done and look cute for their first day of school. Steadying the shakes as much as I could, I worked rapidly to get them looking first day good. Each movement of my hand was a carefully planned and executed maneuver of mental fortitude, fighting off what I knew was inevitable. My husband kept coming into the bathroom to check the progress and worriedly look over my obviously quaking body. As I was finishing up the second girl's hair, I flushed hard in my face and my ears began to ring, the shaking became more violent and all the heat flushing in my face ran away. "You're done, you can't do any more", my husband said as I struggled to flip the light switch off. I didn't even have any words to be able to make at the moment, all my focus was set on getting to the bed or somewhere soft, I knew what was coming. 7:15am on the first day of school and I launched into a full grand mal seizure from my medication. I laid there on the bed conscious but unable to control my body. Every muscle was tensed, everything hurt and there was nothing I could do except to ride it out. It wasn't the first one I have had, in fact, they are fairly common for me a few times a year for more than a decade now. This one was not like any other one before though. Worst of all...my husband watched all of it happen. Best of all...we both knew what was about to happen and he was able to keep the kids from seeing any of it.
Having a seizure the first morning of school = no bueno. We have 4 kids to get to school at 3 different schools. There was no way that I could drive at this point, nor would I ever stupidly put my children in danger that way. It took everything in me to just get in the van and walk the kids in to the school.We got the school that was open first out of the way and realized that we were running about 5 minutes behind to get to the second school. A quick call to the office at the second school, letting them know we would be late and we were on our way. This is where it really gets stupid. Mind you all, we have done everything we can to get everyone where they belong as close to on time as possible after having a MAJOR medical emergency. We are less than 2 blocks from the school when my husband's phone rings and we are really in too much of a hurry to address it and I was worried about protecting the little girl in the backseat. Turns out that it was the other parent of the child we were taking to school. Until my husband got out of the school, he didn't listen to it which was a very good thing. He was left a message that he was five minutes late taking his daughter to school, it was unacceptable and she thought she deserved an explanation and that she was calling her attorney. Oh wait...it gets better. The first day of school was a time that his daughter was scheduled to be with us, so what was the point in even showing up to the school anyway? I am sure you came up with some logical answer like caring about school and attendance. Nope - this is the very same person that feels it is not only ok, but socially braggable to take your child out of school for shopping or crossing state lines in a blizzard for a shopping trip. Also the very same person that won't come to Kindergarten graduation or the only school concert she had last year, not even the introduction to 1st grade or meet the teacher for 1st grade. Really...why would there be an expectation that she would show up the first day of school for second grade? If there was such a concern over the child being late, wouldn't checking in at the office to see if we had called have been the first avenue explored? All of it could have been avoided with that simple action, but no...throwing temper tantrums is a much better option for the narcissistic that desperately need more attention. Did I mention that it gets better? That is probably not the best word to use because it wasn't any better. What happened in the school was positively disgusting. The child was addressed and criticized/ questioned about being late. "Why weren't you here on time? You know that school starts at 830 and you are supposed to be on time". That, my readers, is complete and total bullshit. To hold a child accountable for their own scheduling and transportation at 7 years old is pretty fucking ridiculous by any means. To make a scene in front of the child's classroom is wrong . She took out on her child when she should have been adult enough to address it with adults only, knowing that at 7 she isn't responsible for any of it, let alone the fact that she didn't deserve to have it taken out on her. The only thing that little girl was responsible for was buckling her seatbelt. THAT is what is unacceptable - putting the child in the middle when she had no control over the situation at all. Go ahead and talk like that to your child because you are too afraid to talk to the adult. Rip the child apart because they can't stand up for themselves so you can feel like you were in charge. FFS!
I am understandably frustrated. While my medical issues are coming under control, a year of this has really worn me down. Due to medical issues, I have lost almost 100 pounds in the last year (probably a little over that) Take a look at a picture from the wedding last October and then look at me now, it is pretty scary. There isn't much end in sight there either until well after the heital hernia is fixed. Add to the medical stress all of the normal work stress and raising children, factor in one ex who makes drama instead of helping. Now multiply that by at least 4 and it all equals a FFS! I just need a little break before I break. Maybe that is precisely what needs to happen though. Maybe I just need to address whatever it is at the moment and let my reaction be whatever it will. Throw care to the wind, get back to my roots and just act like a complete savage berserker (Savage for the Iroquois and berserker from the Germanic warriors that went into a fury and rage in battle) letting each and every jerk that crosses me get what they deserve. *sigh* Unfortunately that is not going to happen. It is nice to think about, but I am far too responsible to go that route. For now it will just be a *SMH* and a *FFS* to get me through.
Thanks for listening, this had been really helpful. Seems like I just needed to talk to myself.
